The Secrets We Keep
by Mijra
Summary: Growing up and finding your own way isn't always easy. And sometimes innocence can be taken from us within the blink of an eye. Set during Julian Bashir's years at Starfleet Medical Academy. (A pre-DS9 story)
1. 01 The boy who ran away

**The Secrets We Keep**

by Mijra

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**Disclaimer**: I do not own Star Trek, its characters or any of its concepts. I just love telling stories. And if you're enjoying yourself while reading this piece of fiction, that's all I could ever hope for.^^

**Note from the author**: This story again is canon-based. It's fairly harmless compared to my other stories... but it _is_ rather sad. So please be warned... And here again – if this story were a drama and each chapter one episode then the ending song of each episode would be "Snow Dance" from the Japanese band _Dreams Come True_. And now, enjoy!^^

**Synopsis**: Growing up and finding your own way isn't always easy. And sometimes innocence can be taken from us within the blink of an eye. Set during Julian Bashir's years at Starfleet Medical Academy.

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"_You mistook a preganglionic fiber for a postganglionic nerve? Any first year medical student could tell them apart... You purposely answered the question wrong because you didn't want to be first in your class... You couldn't take the pressure..." _

- Altovar; _Distant Voices_ (Season 3)

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**Chapter 01**

"The boy who ran away"

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When he left the building, snow was beginning to fall.

It was a chilly December evening, and his breath came white before his eyes when he stepped out into the clear night air, almost unconsciously drawing his coat tighter about him. The temperature had remarkably dropped after sunset, and he was sure that tonight was going to be particularly cold. Rubbing his hands together, he hurried to key in the security code into the panel next to the door. The last lights inside the building went out, and the soft click that followed told him that the security lock had snapped into place. As always, he was the last to leave.

Snow flakes were floating lightly in the air around him, when he finally threw a last checking look around and hurried across the open space in front of the building, eager to get home and out of the cold. Again, he had spent far too long at work, his research keeping him busy as usual. But that was the problem with turning your hobby into your job. You never knew when to call it an end. Now he'd go straight home, grab some sandwich out of the replicator, shower and go to bed. Shoving his hands into the side pockets of his coat, he strode quickly toward the gate that was separating the grounds from the illuminated street beyond.

He was almost through the gates when a movement in the shadows drew his attention. Unsure, he stopped. A quick glance around the dark place told him that the grounds were deserted and quiet, as well as they should be this late at night. Squinting, he tried to decide what it was he had seen in the corner of his eye. Was his mind playing tricks on him?

"Hello?" he called out into the darkness.

There it was again. Something had definitely moved in the shadows. Frowning, he ventured closer, forgetting the cold that was already starting to creep under his coat.

"Is there anybody there?" he tried again.

Another moment later, and a few strides further into the twilight, he made out a figure crouching against the wall that was running around the grounds. It was the slender form of a teenage boy who sat, with his knees pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped protectively around them, on the rim of one of the withered flowerbeds. With his black hair and dark clothing, his silhouette was hardly discernible in the dim light.

"Hey..." he said softly at the unexpected sight.

The boy visibly startled, his head snapping up. Even in the faint light from one of the street lanterns in their back, it was obvious that he had been crying. His cheeks were flushed in spite of the biting cold, the wet traces of tears still glistening in the weak moonlight. He looked as if he was terrified about being found like this, yet too exhausted and worn down to hide or run away.

"Jules...?" he exclaimed in stunned surprise when he recognized the boy's face.

A look of silent horror crossed the boy's young features and his eyes grew wide. "Mr. Amos..."

"Jules? What are you doing here? Why aren't you home?" Amos almost instantly dropped his bag and crouched down in front of the boy until his eyes were level with his. He quickly scanned the boy for injuries or traces of a fight. After all, it was almost past ten in the evening and surely no time for a fifteen year old boy to hang out in the deserted grounds of his school in a freezing night like this. Not for Jules of all students.

The boy seemed to stiffen at his words, new tears forming in the corner of his already sore eyes. He bit his lip, but didn't answer. And with dismay Amos noticed in the dim light that he wasn't wearing but a thin blue sweater. No coat. No scarf. No gloves. As if … he had stormed out of his home without paying a second thought to the consequences. The realization made every alarm bell in Amos' mind start to ring.

"What happened? Do your parents know where you are?" Amos tried gently, remembering that Jules' family was living quite some way from school. He must have used the public transporter. No way he could have walked all the way here. It would have taken him over an hour. But what on Earth was he doing here?

Jules' stubborn silence only served to increase his worry.

"You know, you'll fetch a cold if you keep hanging out here. Do you know how late it is?" he offered lightly, trying to catch a glimpse of the boy's face.

The boy sniffled, as if in response. Still, he stared defiantly at the ground at his feet, obviously hoping that Amos would leave him alone if he just kept ignoring him long enough.

"Jules, you know that you cannot stay here."

For a long awkward moment, neither of them spoke.

Then Jules hugged his knees closer to his chest. "Can't you just pretend you didn't see me?" he finally pleaded in a weak voice. He was shivering all over, though he tried hard not to give away just how cold he really was.

"And let you freeze here to death?" Amos arched one brow. "You know what your parents would do to me? Say nothing of our headmaster." He decidedly clapped Jules' shoulder. "Come on, Jules, I'll bring you home."

The boy's eyes suddenly grew wide at the suggestion, a shadow of fear crossing his face. "No! I'm not going back home!" he blurted out. His young face drew into a pleading grimace. "Please, I don't want to go home."

"Jules..."

"You can't force me to go!" the boy retorted, this time more vehemently, a sudden flicker of angry determination in his tear-filled eyes.

Amos shook his head. "But you're parents must be sick with worry by now."

"They don't care," the boy said bitter, his voice quivering slightly as he turned his face away from Amos' questioning gaze.

_An argument with his parents?_ Then it must have been a very vigorous one. Jules wasn't exactly the sort of child to rebel against his parents. Not that sort of kid to act without thinking. And certainly not the sort of kid to run away from home.

"Jules, you can't stay here. It's night and it's cold," Amos tried to reason with the boy.

"I'm _not_ going back home." Jules' tear-smeared face glistened in the moonlight, his eyes resolute.

Amos sighed, running a hand through his hair. For a long moment he stood silently next to the boy. Then he nodded. "Okay," he finally gave in. "You don't need to go home. But I won't leave you out here on your own." Rubbing his chin, he threw a quick look around, quickly considering his options. "Tonight, you'll come with me. You can stay at my place." With that he offered his hand to help Jules up from the ground. The boy stared at him in confusion, the rational part of his young mind obviously telling him that Amos was right, even though the emotional part of him was poised for flight. After some long seconds, and with no real option, Jules hesitantly took the hand he'd been offered, letting Amos bring him up to his feet. He didn't face him, nor did he say another word, when he let Amos lead him toward the light out in the street.

* * *

The first thing he did upon coming home was put the boy straight into a hot bath. It was almost a miracle that he hadn't already caught a cold. He'd been shivering all along the way even though he had tried hard not to let Amos hear his chattering teeth. He had kept silent for the past half an hour it had taken them to get to his apartment. He'd made no objection when Amos had ordered him into the bathroom, turning up the heater and telling him to stay at least for the next half an hour in the warm water.

In the meantime Amos went to the kitchen, gathered the remnants of yesterday's dinner and put them into the recycler, trying to bring some order in the chaos that had begun to dominate his life of late. For a moment he thought of calling the boy's parents, just to let them know that everything was okay with their son. But eventually he decided against it. Perhaps it was better to hear what Jules had to say first. After all, he didn't know what had happened. Perhaps it was best to hear the boy's version of the story first. There still would be time to call them as soon as the boy was asleep.

He shook his head and sighed. Even though he'd been a teacher for a few years now, his career had never confronted him with a situation like this. Goodness, he was rather a scientist than a teacher, let alone a counselor. So far he had successfully managed to keep his job and his private life apart. What had he been thinking by bringing the boy to his home? But then he had seemed so lost and helpless, it just had seemed like the natural thing to do...

Jules had been a student of his biology classes for the past two years. He was the one with the best marks, always top of his class. His curiosity sometimes brought him and his friends into trouble but he had never thought of Jules as a child with any serious problems. Granted, he couldn't be sure what exactly was happening at his student's homes but judging from his experience with the boy during the past two years, he would have never thought it possible that Jules would one day run away from home. He had always seemed so carefree, so lively and easygoing. He had friends. He excelled at so many things in school. He seemed like one of those model students. And he had some of the most loving and caring parents in the world. Well, certainly more loving and caring than those of most of his peers. He wondered what could have happened to make young Jules storm out of his home in a fashion like this?

The sound of footsteps in the corridor pulled his thoughts back to the present.

Jules was coming back from the bathroom. His disheveled black hair was still wet and a towel wound around his shoulders but at least he seemed to have warmed up enough for the color to return to his face. Amos had given him some of his own clothes. They were a bit baggy for the boy but at least they'd keep him warm.

For a moment, Jules seemed to hesitate at the door but with no way to run away now, he came reluctantly over, settling down on the couch opposite Amos with his legs tucked beneath him. He kept his eyes cast awkwardly downward and tried hard not to meet Amos' gaze, his fingers digging nervously into the fabric of his black trousers. He looked like he was silently bracing himself for the interrogation he obviously dreaded to come.

"Are you hungry?" Amos tried to ease his tension, pointing toward the replicator. "I was planning on having dinner anyway. Can I fix you something?"

The boy just shook his head. "No, thank you, sir," he mumbled.

Amos regarded him for a long moment, and finally drew himself up. He ordered some sandwiches, some milk and some cookies. The milk and cookies he placed in front of Jules. The boy's head went up in surprise but he didn't offer any remark. Almost grateful, his hands reached for the mug of hot milk, and he took a reluctant sip, clutching the mug with both hands like he was desperately searching for something to hold on to.

Amos couldn't help a smile. Then he became serious. "And, are you now going to tell me what happened? What were you doing all alone back at the school grounds?"

When the boy wouldn't answer, he tried again.

"Did you have an argument with your parents? Is that why you ran away?" Amos' voice was mild and sympathetic when he searched the boy's face for any hint as to what could have happened.

Jules just stared silently into his mug, though he palpably paled. He seemed so lost and fragile in that moment. Not like the confident young student Amos had always known him for. But scared. And intimidated. Like he was regretting ever having set foot into his teacher's apartment but was too beaten and drained to do more than silently suffer the consequences. Usually, his eyes were sparkling with mischief... now they were dull with anguish and fatigue.

Amos leaned forward, frowning. "Did they hurt you?"

The boy's answer was a reluctant shake of the head. "No..." he mumbled again barely audible under his breath. It seemed genuine enough an answer, though.

Amos breathed an inward sigh of relief. Then he watched him for a long moment. "Jules, whatever happened, you can tell me. I'm your teacher. I promise, I won't tell anybody if you don't want me to. Whatever the problem is, we'll find a solution, I promise."

Jules shook his head, his shoulders slumping even further. "You can't solve this one," he finally said in a broken voice, looking even more miserable than before.

"There's a solution to every problem. It's just about finding it," Amos tried to cheer him up. "So, just try me."

Jules' hands shook slightly. "There's nothing anyone can do," he said at length, his voice oddly controlled. Was that a short flicker of anger he saw in the boy's face?

Some indefinite feeling warned him that he was entering dangerous ground. "How can you be sure, if you don't try?"

Silence.

Running a hand through his hair at the boy's stubborn reticence, he sighed.

"Look Jules, you're still so young. You've barely turned fifteen – and your whole life is still ahead of you. You're top of your class and you have a promising future. There's still so much to learn and see for you. So much to experience. No matter what the problem is, we'll solve it. And tomorrow, it will all seem only half as bad. I promise."

It was the instant he glimpsed Jules' face that he knew he had made a terrible mistake. The boy's eyes rapidly filled with tears, as if Amos' words had literally hit the mark. Jules hurried to wipe at them with the sleeves of his too big sweater, though instantly they were followed by new ones. It was like Amos' words had once and for all dashed his last resolve to pull himself together. Averting his gaze, he pulled up his knees, wrapped his arms around them and buried his crying face between his arms.

Amos instantly stood and came around to sit down next to the sobbing boy, gently placing one strong arm around his trembling shoulders.

"Jules, tell me what happened," he pleaded with the boy, his worry slowly being replaced by dismay. He'd never seen the boy like this. Never this... vulnerable.

"I can't," Jules sobbed, and it sounded as if he would give anything for it not to be so. It sounded as if he was carrying the weight of a whole world on his too young shoulders. As if he desperately wanted to call out for someone to help him but couldn't because he was afraid that it would only make things worse.

Gently stroking his back to calm the boy, Amos drew in a deep breath, utterly unsure what to do. _What on Earth had happened__? Why was the boy so shaken? _"Okay," he finally said after a few more awkward, indecisive moments. "I'll call your parents, Jules." If the boy wouldn't tell him, there was no other way to find out the truth. And something about this whole situation was utterly unsettling. When he rose, however, Jules suddenly grabbed his sleeve.

"No! They didn't do anything to me. We had an argument and I ran away. But they didn't do anything to me. Please don't call them. We just had some argument. And..." Jules sputtered out, unable to hide the horror in his eyes at Amos' words. Like he was frantically trying to salvage what was left to salvage. "I swear, they didn't..." the boy sobbed, uncontrolled and in tears.

"It's okay, Jules. Easy now. Everything's okay," Amos said, again hunkering down in front of the distraught boy, taking both of his hands in his to get his attention. When their eyes met, he tried to put as much confidence into his words as possible. "Sssh, everything is okay. I won't call your parents. I'm just worried about you. But I won't do anything you don't want me to do. Do you understand? You're safe. No one is going to hurt you here."

Through his tear-filled gaze, the boy managed a nod. He was desperately trying to stifle the sobs that were still working their way up his throat.

"Okay," Amos said, squeezing his hands in comfort. "Whatever happened, you don't have to tell me. You'll stay here and have a rest. We can watch some holovids if you like. And whenever you feel ready, I'm here to listen. What do you say?"

Jules regarded him warily. But then he nodded, sniffling.

Amos offered a warm smile, soothingly patting the boy's back. It was the best thing that came to his mind. _Give him some time, let him calm down first_. At least he could have an eye on the boy. Whatever the argument with his family had been about, Jules obviously was too overwrought to think about it clearly now. At least he could offer him a place to feel safe and protected.

With a sigh, he went to collect some holovids he had stored on the cupboard. Selecting one of them at random, he came back to the living-room, inserted it into the holoplayer and got them some cookies for the evening. Pretending that everything was fine even though one of his students was sitting crying at his home, refusing to tell him the reason for his distress was in and of itself quite unsettling but what alternative did he have? Contacting security so that they could come, gather the boy up to carry him back home to make things only worse? If he had been in Jules' shoes it would have been the last thing he wanted so it was out of the question. Perhaps, if he gave him some time, Jules would begin to trust him far enough to give at least a hint as to what had happened.

When he activated the player, Jules curled up tightly in one corner of the couch, obviously too exhausted to care much about his miserable sight, no matter if Amos was his teacher or not. Even though he almost gratefully accepted the blanket Amos offered him, he never spoke, just kept watching the holovid with dull eyes, leaving no doubt that he was actually miles away.

They spent most of the evening sitting silently next to each other, until Amos noticed the boy's even and regular breath. Wrapped into the thick blanket like into a protecting cocoon, he had finally fallen asleep, his head resting exhaustedly against one of the cushions. With a sad smile, Amos drew the blanket tighter around the boy's sleeping form before he switched off the holoplayer and set about bringing their used dishes back to the replicator and cleaning up for the night.

* * *

The next day they had breakfast together. It was Amos' day off and, as he was sure that after the events of the night before Jules would never willingly agree to go to school, he'd let him sleep and set the breakfast for the two of them. When he went upstairs to check on the boy, Jules was already awake.

It was over breakfast that he finally spoke for the first time since the night before. He was nibbling at some toast, his eyes dull and unfocused. Even though he was still reluctant and hesitant in his actions, he looked a lot more composed than on the evening before.

"Sir," he finally spoke in a very quiet voice. "Do you think anyone can be punished for something he didn't do?" He was not looking up from his plate.

Amos paused. Arching one brow he said: "I don't think so. Why do you ask?"

Jules shook his head. "I mean, can anyone be punished for something that others did?"

Amos regarded him for a long moment, not sure what the boy was getting at. "It wouldn't be fair, would it?"

For a long time, Jules kept staring at his plate, obviously struggling with himself. Then he suddenly said in a barely audible whisper:

"I'm... genetically enhanced."

The few words hung in the air like thunder.

For a long moment neither of them spoke. At first, the words sounded so utterly out of place that Amos thought he might have heard wrong. But a look into the boy's face was all it took to tell him that Jules was serious. Of all things he had imagined, it was about the last thing he had expected to hear, and for a long moment he was so taken off guard that he was literally speechless.

"My parents had it done to me when I was younger," Jules continued in a strangely flat and emotionless voice, so contrary to his distraught behavior the night before. "I can hardly remember it. I never knew the truth. Not until yesterday. They kept it a secret for all these years. But I found the documents in my mother's files."

He was still staring numbly at the untouched food on his plate. Surprisingly, there were no tears in his eyes when he spoke. Just a profound anguish. As if he was desperately wishing to turn back time. As if he regretted ever having found out the truth, afraid of what it meant for him, afraid of the things he'd discovered.

"They told me that I have to keep it secret. Because if anyone found out, we would get into trouble. They told me that _I_ would get into trouble." Jules paused awkwardly, his fingers digging anxiously into the fabric of his trousers. "Because it is... _illegal_."

The mere notion of the word obviously had a terrifying effect on the teenage boy, for he almost choked on the last word.

"I might still be fifteen. I might be best in class. And I might have the promising future like you said. But it's all worthless because," he swallowed hard but finally forced himself to go on, "...because... I'm a criminal."

"Hey, hey, hey, wait!" Amos suddenly held up both hands, having recovered far enough from his initial shock to interrupt the boy's unexpected confession for the first time. It all came so suddenly that he had a hard time to catch up with the boy. But this was definitely going into the wrong direction. "What makes you think you're a criminal? You're a fifteen year old _boy_, Jules. The best student I have. You're a child. Not some murdering, stealing individual and certainly no criminal." Amos locked his eyes with Jules', trying to stop him from getting carried away by his mounting fear. The profound hurt and distress he saw in the boy's hazel eyes almost took his breath.

_Genetically enhanced_. Goodness, he had been prepared for much, but surely not this. Could it be? How were chances that Jules was telling the truth?

Amos clasped both hands together, intently leaning forward. "Jules, listen. Even if you, as you say, underwent genetic engineering, even if it is true, that doesn't make you a criminal. Do you hear me? You are _not_ a criminal."

"But it's still illegal," Jules continued in an unsteady voice, as if he had already played it all through in his mind and was terrified about the conclusion he had reached."They'll expel me from school. And I'll lose all my friends. And then I'll have to go to prison."

"Jules, you don't have to go to prison!" Amos held, determined. "Don't precipitate things. No one will expel you from school. And you certainly won't have to go to prison."

There was horror in the boy's eyes. "But if the truth comes out..."

"Jules, look at me," Amos gently urged, sensing the boy's slowly rising panic. "Let's start at the beginning. You just told me that you're... genetically enhanced. Do you know what that means? Do you know what the term refers to?"

The boy nodded. "It's about a postnatal correction of an individual's DNA. It's about genetic engineering. They rearrange your DNA. They improve your physical and mental abilities," he awkwardly said, the mere notion of someone tampering with the DNA of a living being obviously sending a cold shiver down his spine. But it was more than that. _Genetic engineering_. The words obviously held some dark and forbidden meaning for the boy. Like something he'd heard stories of, but which was mainly known to him because it was branded and banned within the Federation. They had most likely discussed it in school. They had learned about the Eugenic Wars, so naturally they must have learned about genetic engineering as well.

Amos quickly nodded. "Genetic engineering in and on itself is nothing bad. In fact, it is something very helpful in science. The possibility of genetic engineering once marked a milestone in research." He raised one brow. "It is only due to history and the wrong use of that knowledge that people have become afraid of it. But from a plain scientific point of view, it's nothing to fear, nor to hide. In the right hands, genetic engineering can do wonders. It's a gift. And if people weren't limited by their own fear, they'd put that gift to a better use."

Jules bit his lower lip, looking even more sick than before.

Amos shook his head and frowned. "But why... I mean, how did you find out?" he probed cautiously, careful not to upset or frighten the boy any more. "Are you really sure that's what your parents said?"

Jules' gaze dropped to the floor, his eyes shimmering. "It was... an accident. A silly game we play at school," he finally said, ruefully.

"It's about finding out if you're really the child of your parents. Someone came up with the idea what would happen if we found out that we were adopted, or the child of someone else actually. It was all about finding some birth certificate to make sure you weren't really adopted or so. It was just a game. But everyone played it," the boy said hastily, as if to justify his actions. "So I searched my mother's personal files. I knew where she kept them. The important ones that weren't stored in the database anyway."

"And that is where you found out?" Amos frowned.

The boy nodded weakly, half expecting Amos to scold him for sneaking around and poking his nose in things that didn't concern him. "She'd kept the reports of the doctor who'd treated me. About what exactly had been... done to me. About how my abilities and skills had been altered. She must have been afraid to put it somewhere into the database. It was only a rough outline with almost no further explanations. But I recognized names and places," Jules said bluntly, as if he was still seeing those documents in front of his mind's eye. "And that's when I remembered the time when I was younger and spent some time in a hospital on Adigeon Prime. My father once said that I was sick and that it was why I had to go there. But it was a lie. They never told me why we really went there. It was all for the treatment."

"What did your parents say when you found out? Did you tell them?"

Jules shifted uneasily in his chair. A dark shadow crossed his pale face, guilt and hurt fighting for dominance in his eyes. "My mother got so angry with me when she found out. At first she denied it all, but then she just began crying and she kept apologizing over and over. And I didn't know what to do. I was so afraid of my father coming home in the evening to find my mother and me like this. At first he thought that we just had an argument but then my mother told him that I found out and..." Jules' shoulders were trembling, when the scenery replayed before his mind's eye. "He told me to sit down with him. And then he told me everything. All the things they'd kept hidden from me about the treatment and why they did it. But all I wanted was for him to deny it. I just wanted him to tell me that everything was nothing more than my foolish imagination. I wanted him to get angry with me for having gone through my mother's files. I... I just wanted him to tell me that everything was okay. I was so sick when he explained in detail what had been done to me when I was at that hospital."

Amos regarded the boy for a long moment, still finding it difficult to accept the truth Jules was so suddenly confiding in him. But in a frightening way, it made all sense. He'd never given it a second thought, but when he thought back on all the past years now, there hadn't been a single time Jules had done badly at school. Of course they had been talking among the staff and every now and then someone would come up with what an extraordinary student Jules Bashir was. But that was it. No one would have ever thought of questioning the fact that Jules was just one of those kids who were extremely intelligent and good at learning. No one had ever suspected that there might be more to the boy's talents than met the eye.

Amos knew that his next words were decisive. "Jules, I want you to listen: Even if you once underwent genetic engineering, there is nothing for you to fear. It doesn't mean that you're a criminal nor that you have to feel embarrassed or ashamed of it in any way." Amos voice grew gentle. "No matter what changes your genetic code once underwent, you're still a boy. A normal fifteen year old teenager. You laugh when you're happy. And you cry when you're sad. Sometimes you're unsure. And sometimes you're even scared. You're a normal human being, with normal feelings. You have a normal life. Just as anybody else."

The boy finally lifted his gaze, a look of utter despair on his face. "But it's illegal," he held. Moisture was again beginning to form in the corner of his eyes at the thought. It must be what was terrifying him the most. _It's illegal._ Jules had always been a remarkable student, always keeping to the rules, always trying to keep up to the adults' high expectations. Having to learn that you've crossed a line without ever having wanted to, without ever having actually done anything wrong, had surely come as a unexpected and painful blow.

Jules winced. "If they ever find out..."

Amos shook his head. "They won't. No one is going to question you about things that might have once happened in your past. It hasn't been of any relevance until now, and it won't be of any relevance in the future. Nothing will change: The only difference is that now you know the truth." He clasped his hands, resting them on the table. "From a scientific point of view you're DNA was simply rearranged during the process. But there was nothing added that hadn't been there in the first place. Your DNA alone will never give you away. Don't worry. I'm a scientist, I have to know," Amos tried to offer his most reassuring smile.

Jules looked barely convinced. "But... it would be a lie..."

Amos held up one hand. "Just because you're not talking about something doesn't make you a liar, Jules. There are so many things people don't want to talk about. Does that make them liars?"

The boy gave him a honestly puzzled look.

"Jules, whatever genetic treatment you once underwent, don't forget one important thing: You're still Jules. Whatever had been done to you when you were a child, it's thanks to that that you're now the person you are. The Jules Bashir I'm talking to right now would have never been here, hadn't it been for your parents' decision. It doesn't matter if it was illegal. It's not even important if it was good or bad. The only thing that matters is that you're now sitting here as the person you are. You didn't do anything wrong, Jules. And you don't have to be afraid that someone will punish you just for being yourself."

Amos gently squeezed his hands. "You're good at school. You have many friends. And that is everything that counts. There are other students who are good at school. There are other students who excel at sports. You're good at maths? Well, there are other students who are good at it as well. You're just like them. There's nothing to be afraid of. You're just a good student. Perhaps a little bit better than the rest, but that's all."

A faint flicker of hope crossed the boy's flushed face. Amos' unexpected gentle words had obviously taken him off guard. "Then... you don't... think it's bad?" he probed under his breath, still too afraid that Amos could tell him in the end what he feared so much.

But instead, Amos laughed warmly. "Well, it certainly is quite some news but... no, I don't think it's bad. In fact, it's quite the contrary."

Jules seemed to relax a little, as if a heavy weight had suddenly dropped from his shoulders. For a long moment, he sat at the breakfast table, too embarrassed to say anything further. But finally he lifted his gaze to meet Amos' squarely for the first time. Amos winced at the childlike innocence he saw in the boy's eyes. "But... I don't know what to do now."

Amos smiled. "You don't need to do anything. Just be yourself. That's all you have to do."

Jules seemed to consider his words for a long moment. Then a flicker of sudden anxiety came across his face, as if he had just remembered something very important. "You won't... tell them... will you?"

Taking a sip of his already lukewarm coffee, Amos decidedly shook his head. "I won't, Jules. I'm your teacher. If you can't tell me, who can you? Your secret is safe with me." Then he added in a more serious voice: "It's a powerful secret you have though, Jules. Even if you might see it as a burden now, there is so much you can do with it. Don't be afraid to accept who you are, and what you're capable of. Put your talents to a good use. There is so much good you can do with it."

Noticing the again uncertain look on the boy's face, he shook his head and smiled. "But I think I don't really need to tell you. Just keep being yourself."

For a long moment they kept sitting silently next to each other, Jules clutching the mug of barely touched hot chocolate, obviously mulling Amos' words over. Until he suddenly spoke again.

"Julian," the boy whispered hesitantly under his breath.

Amos gave him a puzzled look, not sure he could follow.

"Julian... It's my... real given name," the boy said slightly embarrassed as if he was sharing another of his secrets.

Amos smiled amiably, patting the boy's back. "Okay... _Julian_. What about some more toast and some more hot chocolate. And later, whenever you feel ready, I'll bring you back home?"

Shyly, the boy returned the smile for the first time. Then he nodded, obviously grateful. "Thank you, sir."


	2. 02 New Friends

**Chapter 02**

"New Friends"

,

Julian lowered the memo in his hand, comparing the number that was written on the PADD with that on the door in front of him.

_A407._

Stuffing the PADD awkwardly back into the side pocket of his travel bag - which had chosen exactly the same moment to slip halfway from his shoulder – he hurried to activate the door chime, trying maladroitly to keep his things together. With no reply, he quickly touched the control panel on the wall, watching the door whoosh open with its faint, distinctive hiss.

He half expected to find the room empty, for he had arrived at his new home fairly ahead of schedule. It was hardly half past six in the morning, which was most probably why the lady in the student information center had eyed him warily and with half bleary eyes before handing out his papers and the PADD with the data where to find his new quarters. Walking down the broad, high-ceiling corridors to the dormitory wing, he'd only met a few groups of regular students on his way, making him idly wonder when all the other first year students were bound to arrive.

He'd woken early this morning, too nervous to get anything down for breakfast, so he'd just skipped it, packed his bag and taken the next transport from the foggy, slowly waking downtown of San Francisco to the neatly trimmed and busy grounds of Starfleet Academy that was situated like a pulsing vein at the outskirts of the old town. His heart was still thudding anxiously in his chest, and the large complex with its special, austere atmosphere here wasn't exactly helping it. It was all so... unfamiliar and big. Like this here was a completely different world from that he was used to. Like he had stepped out of his old life into a dream he'd never really believed to come true. Everything was just so grand and impressive, and made him feel so small and unimportant. And utterly out of place...

Steadying his travel bag awkwardly with one arm, he shoved himself ineptly through the door of his new quarters – just to find another person milling already hectically about the room. Not that there was much to go anyway. The quarters were comparatively small, hosting only two separate beds and two separate desks, the door to his right most likely leading of to the bathroom or some other storage space. A large window in front of him was giving a good view of the green grounds below, and even now, so early in the morning, he could already see groups of uniformed students milling about the saturated green.

Slightly surprised about not being the first to arrive, Julian stopped in his tracks, and audibly cleared his throat.

The other person, a young man presumably the same age as Julian, startled and spun round. His eyes widened when he realized Julian standing in the open doorway. "Oh, sorry! I didn't hear you. Come in."

He was tall, with short welling brown hair, and some big and old-fashioned, black-rimmed glasses. For what purpose, Julian couldn't tell. Perhaps it was just some kind of strange sense of fashion because no one was wearing glasses any more. Not in the 23rd century. It made him incongruously wonder where the young man had gotten the replicator patterns for such an outdated thing. In fact, with his slender frame and those too big glasses on his nose, he looked exactly like one of those big Andorian sea birds with their long necks and black round eyes they had once studied in school. The young man's obvious nervousness made the image complete. Unsure and slightly embarrassed like if he were trespassing on something he wasn't supposed to, Julian entered.

"You can have the bed on the left side," the young man blurted out without much preamble as he gestured to one of the two cots, obviously taking Julian's hesitation as an invitation to break the ice. "I prefer sleeping with the wall to my left side, if you don't mind. And, oh, I'll take the closet over there," he flitted restlessly around the place, reminding Julian more and more of that Andorian bird he'd thought of earlier.

For several long seconds, Julian just stared dumbfounded at the other young man, before he finally came around and crossed the room to drop his bag onto the one free bed. He'd brought only the most important things with him, the rest of his belongings was scheduled to arrive with the transport in the afternoon.

"Oh, and by the way, may I introduce myself: I'm Alan," the brown haired young man said, quickly shaking hands with Julian. Another moment later, he'd already turned back to unpacking his own things, mumbling something inaudible under his breath.

_Don't tell me this is my new roommate_... Julian thought with dismay, staring at his companion like if it was all some kind of bad joke.

"Oh, I take it you're another first year medical student, aren't you?" Alan said, as he suddenly stopped and turned in Julian's direction. Stunned, Julian nodded, feeling more and more like if he was taking part in some kind of weird interrogation. Crossing his arms over his slender chest, Alan came slowly pacing over.

"Thought so. So you're becoming a doctor, just like me." The young man looked him over from head to toe, as if he were gauging if Julian qualified for taking the same career path as he did. But finally he nodded. "We're roommates," he said as if he were breaking some uncomfortable news to Julian. "I already figured they'd put students of the same course together. Makes the learning and everything easier, I guess. And besides, it really wouldn't make any sense to share quarters with an engineer, would it?" With that, he retrieved a PADD from the table and flicked through its content. "Let's see. There's an orientation course later this morning. We'll have to see that we're there before it begins. You know, with all the new students, we need to make sure we get some good seats. And I don't want to be late on the first occasion anyway."

"Okay," was everything Julian brought forth, still feeling slightly terrified by the prospect of having to spend the next few years with this guy who was clearly on the wrong side of the operating table. With the sack of neurosis the guy obviously carried he should have been the one to be taken care of.

"What did you say was your name?" Alan raised one brow, pulling Julian back from his thoughts.

Julian grimaced. "I haven't told you yet." But noticing the subsequent wounded look on Alan's face, he quickly added with a twinge of guilt: "Julian."

Alan nodded with a frown, almost unconsciously pushing his big glasses back up his nose. And for the first time Julian realized that behind his roommate's annoying Mr. Know-it-all attitude, Alan was no less nervous and intimidated about being here than Julian himself was. That was why he kept fussing restlessly about the place, trying not to think about what would soon be waiting for them. He obviously just couldn't sit still and wait for the inevitable to come. Not that he could blame him.

When Julian had first arrived at the gates of Starfleet Medical one month ago to do all the paper work for enrolling, he'd been literally overwhelmed. Starfleet Medical, its atmosphere and its students had all been so different from everything he had ever seen so far. And only thinking about soon being a part of it had made his legs grow weak at that time. And even now, after having been officially accepted as one of its students, it somehow still didn't feel right to wander the corridors like all the other regular students. He remembered his mother telling him that he shouldn't feel too worried, that it was all just some kind of stage fright now that he was finally going to stand on his own feet. She had to be right. Or at least he was telling himself so.

After all, coming to Starfleet Medical was nothing short of the adventure he'd always wanted.

"I can show you the classrooms if you like. You already have your curriculum, don't you?" Alan said, trying to sound nonchalant, as he pushed his old-fashioned glasses again back up his nose.

Julian rummaged through his bag, and pulled out another memo PADD. "There's an orientation course this morning, and Exobiology One in the afternoon..." he said absently, studying the memo.

"Good," Alan smiled tersely. "That means we're in the same class."

* * *

The room was already crowded and filled with the excited chatter and anxious laughter of new students when they entered the huge auditorium with the big letters _Orientation_ on the display next to the door. The first rows in the front were almost deserted, most of the new students concentrating somewhere in the middle of the room, like a big protective mass trying to draw some measure of comfort from each other. But there still were a few vacant seats in one of the back rows to their left. Julian swiftly nudged Alan to draw his attention and gestured for him to follow him. A flicker of relief crossed his new friend's tense features and both started to make their way through the crowd of excited students.

Pushing his way through the others students, Julian kept mumbling excuses until he finally emerged with a slight surge of relief on the other side of the big crowd. When he sat down at one of the free places and put his PADD onto the table, a young girl of apparently Asian descent turned in his direction and gave him a nervous smile. A group of other girls next to her were chatting animatedly among themselves but she obviously didn't belong to them.

"Hi," Julian offered, trying to ease his own tension. "I'm Julian. And this is Alan." He pointed toward his roommate who was staring at the crowd in the big auditorium as if he was seconds before a heart attack.

The girl's smile broadened. "I'm Marin." She nodded toward Alan, who finally tore his gaze from the sea of students and acknowledged her presence for the first time.

"Medical course?"

Julian nodded, still at a slight loss at what to say. At least he didn't seem to be the only person terrified by his new surroundings.

"Me too," the girl smiled slightly embarrassed. "It's awful, isn't it." Despite her obvious nervousness, her dark eyes were twinkling with excitement.

"I've never imagined it to be... so big," Julian conceded truthfully, his gaze wandering over the large number of new students in the auditorium. These would be his new classmates... He wondered how many of them would still be there after the seven years it took to graduate Starfleet Medical. He'd heard lots of stories about the place. Many of which weren't exactly encouraging.

"They say that only about half of the students here make it into the final year," Alan suddenly sputtered out next to them. "It's not only the exams. It's the teachers. They have that special Vulcan scientist. He teaches intercultural biology and he's said to be a real monster."

Julian and Marin gave him a disbelieving look.

"No, really," Alan whispered, his nervousness slowly but surely getting the better of him. "He's said to make the students fail on purpose. The ones he doesn't like, anyway."

"But..." Julian stared just to be interrupted by a deep and sonorous voice that suddenly filled the hall of students.

"May I get your attention, please." The voice that echoed through the auditorium made the last chatting and whispers of the assembled students die down within an instant. A group of men and women had come to the front part of the big hall, their uniform clearly giving them away as commissioned Starfleet officers. They carried themselves in a way that made most of the students grow silent in reverent awe. Most of them were wearing uniforms in blue, marking them as medical personnel or science officers. Another one of the newcomers wore red. It was the person who first climbed the steps to the speaker's desk and was now addressing the assembled students with a solemn air. Even from the distance, he conveyed an aura of authority that made the whole room immediately laps into silence.

The man once again cleared his throat. "My dear students. My name is Admiral Nathan Kaminsky. May I welcome you to Starfleet Medical Academy, part of the Starfleet Academy here in San Francisco. I take it that many of you will already have moved into your new quarters. Perhaps you've already made some new friends. I am proud to see so many newcomers here, every one of you eager to become a member of Starfleet. As you already know, we will hold an official introduction ceremony this evening in the main hall on the other side of the grounds. But let me say this: We are proud to have you here. Every single one of you."

After a quick nod toward the officers in the background, he turned his attention back to the auditorium. "But before we begin with the official ceremonial part, let me give you a short overview of what will be waiting for you during the next few years. I think many of you are already dying to hear what your new life here will be like..." With that, he brought up some information on the huge display in front of the room and clasped his hands behind his back. "So, let us start at the beginning..."

The orientation course lasted for more than two hours, making the new students familiar with their new surroundings and the rules and requirements of their new life as aspiring Starfleet officers. They were given some explanations how to orient themselves at Starfleet Medical and to whom to turn if things didn't go well some time or other. The necessary classes for the first year were summarized, and the time table for the following year outlined. At the end of the two hours, Julian's head was dizzy with the flood of new information, making him feel even more uncertain than before. After all he'd just learned it was going to be a tough course, no question. And seven years was a very long time. Could he imagine his older self at the graduation ceremony, receiving his degree as a doctor and his commission as a Starfleet Officer to embark on a journey toward the unknown? Could he imagine himself serving aboard a starship or starbase? Well, lining up for the replicator amidst the mass of students in the cafeteria, it was certainly hard. But then, countless other students had graduated Starfleet Medical before him. It couldn't be that hard, could it? So why did he still feel so anxious then?

After a quick lunch with Marin and Alan and two other first year students in the overcrowded cafeteria, they hurried to make it in time to their very first class in their brand new career as Starfleet Medical students: A course entitled with the exotic words "Exobiology One".

If he were true to himself, he had not the slightest idea what this one was about as he'd completely forgotten to check it on the curriculum this morning. His mind had been miles away when he'd taken the transport from his hotel to the Academy, watching in awe as the grounds of his new home had come closer and closer, driving every thought of preparing himself for the day completely out of his preoccupied mind. Everything was just so new and unfamiliar that it was hard for him to keep his thoughts together.

He slightly regretted not having checked the requirements and summary for his first class, but looking into the anxious faces of Marin and Alan he was sure that he wasn't the only one with no clue as to what would be waiting for them in the next one and a half hours. Checking the room display next to the door, they hurried inside the classroom and took a seat next to each other somewhere in the middle of the class. Julian put his PADD on the table, checking the chronometer and releasing a silent breath of relief that they at least hadn't got lost on the way to their first class.

Only a few minutes later, a middle-aged man appeared in the doorway, this time not in uniform but a long white lab tunic, reminding Julian rather of a scientist than an actual teacher. The man's face was an unreadable mask when he strode stone-faced through the rows of students toward the front of the room. He dumped his files and the PADD he'd brought rather briskly on the desk next to the wall and took a swift, assessing look over his assembled new students. His hair had already turned gray, though it was hard to tell how old he really was. Even silent, he radiated an austere authority which let even the last whispers die down within the blink of an eye. His face remained hard, when he finally cleared his throat.

Alan next to him stiffened, intimidated by the man's presence like a rabbit in front of a snake. Julian threw a quick, unsure glance at Marin, who just shrugged.

"My name is Edwards," the older man said, his arms crossed in front of his broad chest. "And from today on, I'll be in charge of your Exobiology lessons. Exobiology will not be the only class we share. As some of you might already know, I'll be you teacher for Molecular Cell Biology as well as a few other subjects you may wish to check on your curriculum."

His intense blue eyes were attentively scanning the room, as if he were memorizing the face of each single of his students. His scrutinizing gaze involuntarily made a cold shiver run down Julian's spine.

"Back in the orientation course they might have told you that you should take it easy, and take your time to get used to your new environment first. But in fact, we only have little time and certainly no time to waste. We only have seven years to prepare you for the unknown that will be waiting for your. It is a short time to make you stand on your own feet." He frowned. "Which is why from now on, I'll expect you to be on time for your classes. I won't give you the necessary credits if you're too late. You're adults, no children. You weren't forced by anyone to attend this course, neither to enter Starfleet. You came here because you wanted to. It was your choice and your free decision, and I want you to remember this during the next years we'll spend together."

No one dared to speak.

"You'll be taking tests. Regularly. And if I find out that you've not prepared yourself for your classes, or if I find out that you don't take this course seriously, then you'll get into trouble. Have I made myself clear."

The class nodded in unison.

"Good," he said, slowly beginning to pace the room, hands clasped behind his back."I want your undivided attention. You're here to learn. And as long as I'm in charge of your course, you will. And that I promise."

With that he turned, tabbing his PADD. With a quick touch, he activated the screen in the front part of the room. "So let's start at the beginning. What is Exobiology and what are you going to learn during the next one year?" While Edwards was writing the few letters on the computer screen in front of the classroom, Alan scowled darkly at the older man's back. His face was slightly flushed, like that of a child who had just been scolded by his parents. Indignation was clearly written all over his face.

"What was that supposed to mean?" He whispered, half angry with a glare at his new teacher. "We're his students. Not his subordinates. This is not the military," he fumed under his breath.

"In fact, it is..." Marin commented matter-of-factly, not looking up from her PADD as she followed Edwards' example and keyed in the few information he'd already brought up onto the main display into her own device.

Julian bit back an amused smile.

"This is not funny, Julian," Alan hissed. "I don't want to spend the next years packed with lessons of this psychopath!"

A sonorous voice that cut through the silent air of the classroom like a broowing thunderstorm suddenly drowned out any further remark that might have come from Alan.

"What is there to discuss? I told you to listen, not to have your own little private conversation."

Julian startled, his head snapping up in alarm. As did Alan's.

Looking up, and with a sudden mixture of surprise and dread, he saw Edwards striding through the rows of students directly toward them. Within a second, Julian knew that he was in trouble. Edwards came to a halt in front of them, towering over his two new students like a dark shadow ready to collapse onto them. His face was as hard as steel and the mere disapproving look in his dark eyes was enough to make Julian's heart stop dead in his chest.

"Out you go," Edwards commanded without much preamble and the slightest blink of the eye.

Julian shot an uncertain glance at Alan, utterly unsure if Edwards was really serious. "But..."

Edwards glowered down at him, cutting him off in mid-sentence. "_Out_, I said. Both of you. I won't repeat myself."

It came like a slap in the face.

Feeling the eyes of every student in the classroom turn on him, Julian felt his cheeks flush in spite of himself. Another look into Edwards' grim face was all it took, to let his courage melt away. Edwards was serious. His heart was pounding up into his mouth when the graveness of the situation slowly started to seep into his mind. Not daring to defy or argue with his teacher's order, he awkwardly gathered up his PADD and stood, endless pairs of eyes watching him as he mumbled a short excuse and headed for the door, too embarrassed to make any more objections. Walking through the heavy silence that had suddenly filled the classroom, he heard another pair of boots following in his wake. He did not stop until he had heard the door glide shut behind his back.

* * *

"He shouldn't have thrown you out like that! That was... well, ridiculous."

Marin was nursing a cup of hot milk tea, regarding her two new friends with a look of genuine concern. Around them, students were chatting in groups, making use of the short free time between classes. They were sitting again in the cafeteria – it was one of the few places they knew anyway – after their first class this afternoon was over. Well, in fact, it had only been the first real class for Marin. For Alan and Julian it had ended in a complete disaster before it had even begun.

Julian was sitting slumped crestfallenly over his coffee, completely devastated by how bad his first day at Starfleet Medical had gone. No, he surely hadn't imagined it like this. It was all wrong. He ought to be the one with no problems. He was good at learning. He was good at studying. He was a good student. And he had graduated top of his class back home. He'd so been looking forward to entering Starfleet. Everyone had been so proud of him when he'd announced that he'd been accepted at Starfleet Medical Academy. He'd been so full of expectation when he'd arrived here this morning...

And now this.

"I can't stand that Edwards, already." Alan mumbled under his breath, his glasses foggy with the steam of the hot coffee he was sitting stooped over. His face was still dark with embarrassment and barely suppressed anger.

Marin sighed. "He's not so bad... I mean, he's really good. He knows a bid deal about the things he's teaching. You should have seen his explanations on Vulcan physiology."

Alan shot her a dark glare. "How could we? He's thrown us out before we had a chance to see how good at terrorizing his students he is."

Marin rolled her eyes.

"No, seriously. We're not at Starfleet Medical. We're in a military camp. And he's the instructor. I bet he enjoyed himself," Alan grumbled in a foul mood.

The girl crossed her arms about her slender chest. "If you hadn't started chatting right after when he'd told you to keep quiet and listen, you wouldn't have gotten Julian and yourself thrown out." She arched one brow to underline her words.

Julian stared blankly at the PADD in his hands. If they just didn't have Exobiology so many times a week. And not only Exobiology. Edwards was in charge of Neurobiology as well... and Molecular Cell Biology... which meant that there was not one day they wouldn't cross the man's sight. _Seven years?_ They must be kidding.

He sighed, rubbing his tired eyes.

"We'll just try to make the best of it!" Marin tried to cheer him up.

"Yeah, try to get hold of one of those famous Bolian assassins..."

"Alan!" Marin glared at the young man, not quite sure if his words had only been intended as a joke. Turning to Julian, who still sat without having much contributed to the conversation, she smiled warmly.

"It's not as if he's the center of our life here. He's just one teacher of many. And if we don't disturb his lessons, and do all our preparation work, then we have nothing to fear, do we? I mean, it'll be tough but actually there's nothing impossible about the things he's asking us to do."

Julian returned the smile weakly. Looking into Marin's dark sparkling eyes, he nodded. At least he wasn't alone. They'd manage. Somehow. Even if he wasn't exactly sure how, yet. But having Marin and Alan at his side, things only looked half as bad. And perhaps Marin was right. It was his very first day here after all. There was still so much lying ahead of them.

Letting his gaze wander across the half-crowded cafeteria, the Starfleet students milling about the ground, he suddenly felt a surge of excitement in spite of himself. Yes, this here was only the beginning. There was still so much ahead of them. So many things to discover.

"Besides, there _is_ a reason why we're here after all. Will you give that up just because of one person you're not getting along with? We wanted to enter Starfleet, and we want to become doctors," Marin said mischievously.

"Yes, and the best ones, at that," Alan commented nonchalantly. "I promised myself to become the best doctor Starfleet ever had. I'm ready to do everything it requires. That's my dream. That's why I'm here!" He smiled triumphantly, as if his words alone were enough to put his nightmare – embodied by Edwards - to flight.

"What about you Julian?"

Julian glanced up. "Me?" he asked, half in confusion. But looking into the expectant faces of his new friends, he suddenly knew what they wanted to hear. The reason why he'd enrolled for Starfleet Medical...

He wasn't sure. He'd always been best in his class, so sooner or later Starfleet Medical had just come as the natural choice. He'd always been fascinated by the profession of a doctor. His teachers, his friends, everyone had encouraged him. And he'd always been looking for an adventure, for something exciting. So finally it was not surprising that he'd ended up here. Somehow it had just happened. Was it his dream? He wasn't sure. He'd never thought of it that way...

But looking from Marin to Alan and back, he doubted that it was the answer they wanted to hear. It didn't really matter anyway. So instead, he offered a crooked smile and said: "Same here."

Just as expected, Marin seemed to be delighted at his answer. "So that's it then. We all agree. We'll never let someone stop us from letting our dream come true!"

"You can say that again," Alan declared, retrieving his tray to put it back into the recycler. Marin and Julian followed in his wake. They had almost made it out into the corridor when Marin suddenly rubbed her hands together and grinned as if she had just remembered something very important. "Oh, with all the fuss about Edwards I almost forgot! But you know what? I heard that we'll have a special guest at the introduction ceremony this evening! You'll never guess who's giving the opening speech!" Marin's eyes sparkled like that of a small girl.

Alan shrugged. And Julian just shot her a puzzled look.

"It's him," Marin winked. "The most famous Starfleet doctor ever." And with that, she left her two new friends stunned in the corridor, happily heading for the girls' quarters on the other side of the main building.


	3. 03 The path we take

**Chapter 03**

"The path we take – the decisions we make"

,

"I passed!"

Julian bolted up in bed, his sleepy mind hauled back into reality within only the fraction of a second. The adrenaline surging through his veins made his heart pound hard in alarm. Dizzily, he looked about to try to determine the source of the sudden commotion.

"What...?" he demanded in confusion, just to register that his roommate Alan had come storming through the door of their quarters, enthusiastically waving a PADD in his hands. His grin was broader than that of the cheshire cat and his eyes were sparkling with excitement.

Rubbing his grainy eyes, Julian yawned.

"Alan, it's seven in the morning. What's the matter?" Julian blinked several more times, trying to overcome the sweet temptation of sleep now that he had made sure that the Academy was not under attack by some alien force. His eyelids were still heavy with the lack of sleep, and his head was throbbing with a dull and persistent headache.

He'd worked on the report for Intercultural Communication until four in the morning. As always, he just hadn't been satisfied with what he had written and had decided in the eleventh hour to do an overall brush-up on his work. And as the deadline for the report was 0900 this morning, he'd spent the better half of yesterday's night at his desk, trying to bring his report into the right form. That he had relied on the help of a considerable amount of coffee had just made things worse. After the few hours of restless sleep, he felt now pretty much like after the encounter with a particularly bad-tempered Klingon.

Alan dropped enthusiastically down on the other end of Julian's bed, a triumphant grin between his flushed cheeks.

"But I finally did it, Julian! I passed. After all the learning, I did it!" He laughed as if he didn't have a care in the world, completely oblivious to his roommate's discomfort. "I thought I'd never pass that Vulcan's test. But I finally beat him!"

Julian reached out for the PADD. "Neurophysics?" he asked wearily with a look at its content.

Alan pouted, taking the PADD from his friend. "I know you already passed this one last term. But it's taken me four weeks to prepare for that damn test! You know how I spent every evening learning. I thought I'd never do it. I was almost ready to believe that I'd have to give up my medical career. But now I passed." And with that he jumped up and down like a small child on Christmas Eve. Another second later, he'd already turned back to Julian, pointing the PADD at his roommate.

"You know what, with these results I can finally apply for the research internship on Mars. I've been dreaming of this ever since I came here. Just imagine. Spending one term on Mars! And I can go see the Utopia Planitia Fleet Yard. It'll be fantastic."

Julian grimaced. "It's only a research internship, Alan. And Mars isn't actually that far away. What about your studies here? You'll miss a whole term..."

As if in response, Alan grinned. "I got permission to continue my studies during the research program. That means I won't miss any of my classes. I'll get my credits and after the program I come back and take up where I left off. Sounds great, doesn't it?"

Julian let himself drop tiredly back into bed. "I'll miss you," he simply said.

Alan eyed him suspiciously. "You won't."

Then a broad grin crept across Julian's face. Alan grabbed one of the pillows and threw it at his roommate who blocked the sudden attack with an attack of his own. After another round of childish pillow fight, Alan sank to the floor, laughing and panting. When he'd calmed down far enough to get some breath, he sat, legs tucked beneath him, on the floor and leaned back against the bed frame.

"But guess what?" he said, still slightly out of breath. "There's a new research scientist coming to our faculty. He's recently been doing research on molecular biology or something like that. They say he's quite promising. They seem to have offered him a post here to support his work and give him better facilities to do his research. I overheard it when I went to collect my test results..."

Julian rolled over in bed, propping his elbows on the mattress and resting his chin in his hands. "Really?"

Alan shrugged. "He's from England. I just thought you might want to know."

Julian shot him a puzzled look.

"His name is Amos – and after all I know he must be from your old school."

Julian sat up at this, perplexed. Amos? ..._Mr. Amos_? Could that be? He hadn't seen his old teacher in more than three years, at least not after he'd entered Starfleet Medical Academy and had moved to San Francisco. He'd so wanted to stop by for a visit, but with his studies here there had never been enough time. At the mere possibility of Alan's words being true, he felt a surge of excitement. If Amos was really here... no that would be too good to be true.

"You sure?" he asked, still skeptical. But his interest was piqued.

Alan arched one brow. "Of course. Mr. Dimeros was talking to his secretary, telling her about his appointment with him later this day. And the way they were talking I guess Mr. Dimeros' opinion of him must be quite high. They've arranged some research facilities for him in the eastern wing."

Julian stumbled out of bed, all at once fully awake. "He's already here?"

"I guess so," Alan frowned. "He seems to have arrived with the transport yesterday evening. They didn't really say much and I didn't want to get caught eavesdropping..."

Julian had already set about collecting his clothes from the various places he'd strewn them over, now kneeling on the floor, searching where his boots had gone missing.

"What are you doing?" Alan regarded him with a half disbelieving, half confused look.

Julian just beamed, grabbing his boots from under the bed. "Go and see him!"

"Hey wait, it's seven in the morning!" Alan raised one brow, pointing at the chronometer. "And we have classes this morning!"

"I know, I know," Julian waived one hand dismissively, almost tripping over his own feet while hurrying to get into his uniform. Another moment later, he'd zipped his shirt up and put on socks and boots. "I'll see you later!" And with that he almost bolted for the door.

"Just make sure you make it in time to Mr. Drill Sergeant's class!" Alan called after the young man who had already stormed out of their quarters.

* * *

Only fifteen minutes and a short stopover at the central reception later, he arrived at his destination. The display at the side of the research facility indicated the room as lab 23, exactly the place where the young office lady had told him the new arrival had moved in. When he entered the room, he found the place neat and clean, one man standing stooped over a console to his left. Even after all the time, there was no mistaking him.

"Mr. Amos?" Julian tried expectantly, slightly out of breath.

The other man obviously startled as he looked up from the readouts – and almost immediately his face lit up with genuine delight.

"Why, Julian!" He exclaimed with wide eyes. Looking the young man up and down he spread his arms in surprise. "Is that you? You've grown since the last time I saw you."

Julian blushed slightly. "Well, it's been some years..." In fact, Julian hadn't met his former teacher since the graduation ceremony back at his old school almost three and a half years earlier. Even so, Amos had hardly changed. He'd changed into one of those typical white lab tunics but he still radiated the same warmth and had that typical good natured smile on his lips.

Amos gestured to him to have a seat at the only small table in the room, quickly strolling over to the replicator for some coffee. "How's the Academy?" he asked as he came back to the table and placed on of the two mugs before the young man. "How long has it been?"

Julian grinned. "It's my third year here, sir."

Amos tabbed his chin with one finger, thinking. "That makes you..."

"Twenty-four, sir."

Amos cocked one brow. "How time flies..." Then he shook his head. "But looking at you, it seems as if Starfleet Medical is becoming you. How are you doing here?"

Julian took one of the mugs, blowing at its liquid to cool the beverage. "It's wonderful. It's the best decision I ever made. It _is_ demanding and sometimes quite tough, but also very interesting and exciting. And the best thing is that I have friends here who feel the same way. We're all working for the same goal. I never thought I could feel so at home somewhere," Julian replied dreamily, letting himself be carried away by the joy about meeting Amos so unexpectedly after such a long time. "But what brings you here? I'd never have thought to see you one day at Starfleet Medical. I mean, you're a teacher. What are you doing here at the Academy?" Julian asked with genuine puzzlement.

Amos flashed an enigmatic smile. "Research," was all he said.

Julian shot him a quizzical look. But then Amos laughed. It was a warm laughter, full of joy and sincerity. He'd missed that open and easygoing way of his. Amos had always been there for him. Whenever there had been a problem, Amos had known the solution. At first it had felt quite odd not to have him around in his daily life at the Academy. Having no one to really rely on, no one to tell him what to do when things got difficult, had been hard for him at first. But somehow he'd managed. Or perhaps he'd just grown up and finally learned to stand on his own feet in the last three years.

Eventually, Amos shook his head. "No, seriously, I'm here for my research. Starfleet has offered me a post at Starfleet Medical to give me the means to do some extensive work on my research. You know how limited our facilities at school were. There's only so much you can do with equipment like that..."

"But what about your profession as a teacher?"

Amos leaned back. "Well, I guess I've always been more of a scientist than a teacher. I loved my years at our old school. But now it's time to move on to something new. I've never been one to dwell long at one place anyway. I have to admit that I was quite surprised myself when I suddenly received word from Starfleet Medical last month but it's a chance I wouldn't want to waste. I know I should have told you earlier, but it all happened... well, rather out of the blue." He smiled apologetically and took a sip of his coffee.

Julian cast a quick, reverent look around. "And this here is all yours?" The room was stuffed with the latest technology. He felt dizzy only thinking of the possibilities what to do with equipment like this. It was like a dream coming true.

"What research are you working on?"

"Oh, currently I'm working on a vaccine for the Elani fever. Nothing interesting actually. But it still is a nasty little sickness so the sooner someone gets a grip on it the better. So far I haven't made much progress and I take it that it'll still be some time before I'll get any usable results..." he tried to make light of his own work, waving one hand dismissively. "But now that I have better equipment and more time to concentrate on my research, I'd like to get to grips with some other, more demanding issues, you know."

Julian nodded, his excitement about Amos starting to work for Starfleet Medical slowly but surely getting the better of him.

"And, how is the Academy?" Amos pulled him back from his meandering thoughts.

"Oh, couldn't be better," Julian smiled. "We've almost completed the theoretical part. This summer we'll have our midterm exams and after that we'll start with the practical part. I can't wait to finally put all the things we've learned to use. It feels as if my head is so full of knowledge that it is soon going to burst if I don't get the chance to let it all out."

"So, I take it you're still best in your class?" Amos raised one brow, knowingly.

Slightly embarrassed, Julian nodded. "I try my best," he offered a crooked smile, even though they both knew that it was an understatement. Then Julian's face clouded over. "It's all perfect – or it would be... if it weren't for that one special teacher who's obviously decided to make my life hell..."

Amos leaned closer, a hint of worry on his face. "Any serious problems?"

Julian quickly shook his head. "No, not really. It's just... we're not exactly best friends. I don't seem to get along with him very well. No matter how good I am, he always finds something to criticize. He's never satisfied with what I do," Julian said gloomily. "He's a perfectionist. And once he's made up his mind about something, not even an armada of Klingons could change it. He's just so... "

"Intimidating?" Amos offered. A thin smile spread across his lips. "I think every third person at a teaching position in Starfleet Medical is. Don't let it get to you too much. They're only human after all," he chuckled. Then he threw a quick look at the chronometer, and frowned. "I'm honored that you keep me company, Julian, but speaking of teachers, and having been one of them, shouldn't you be in class right now?"

Julian followed his gaze toward the chronometer - and startled. It was almost 0900. Alan's earlier words echoed warningly in his mind and he almost jumped to his feet. "I'm sorry, I completely lost track of the time. You're right, I'd better be going!" He'd completely forgotten about Edwards – and his essay. He'd have to run if he still wanted to get in time to his classes. But somehow he just couldn't bring himself to leave. Being here with Amos brought back old memories. If he left now, who could have guaranteed him that everything would be as it was now when they met again.

Already at the door, Julian hesitated indecisively at the threshold, finally mustering all his courage. "You... don't happen to need an assistant, do you?" he blurted out, watching Amos expectantly. "I mean... if you don't mind I could help with your research?"

Amos seemed surprised at his proposal, but then shook his head. "That's nice of you to offer, Julian, but you have your own studies to concentrate on. You won't have time to do much beside learning. Not with your midterm exams waiting for your this summer."

Julian didn't back down. "Never mind those. I can do both. I promise, it won't interfere with my studies..."

And they both knew that he was right. How often had he spent evenings with his friends at the library, reading the same book over and over just to pretend he was trying to do the same while Alan and Marin struggled to solve the homework they'd been given. Sometimes, when he was explaining the solution to an especially difficult problem to his friends, he just couldn't understand why they couldn't see it, even though it was so obvious to him. He learned things at twice the speed others did. And Amos knew it.

After some more moments, Amos finally nodded, a sad smile crossing his face. "Okay, I have to admit that I cannot really think of a reason that would speak against it."

Julian beamed. "Then you'd be okay with it?"

"But only in your free time and only after your work for your classes is done. I don't want you to skip classes or neglect your homework in any way just for some unimportant research."

"Thank you, sir," Julian said with a mischievous grin.

"And now off you go! I don't want to be responsible for you missing your class. Especially not at my first day here anyway!" Amos laughed as he urged his former student to hurry.

Bidding him farewell, Julian hurried out of the room and toward the main complex. For once, not even the prospect of having to spend the next two hours with Edwards being able to dampen his good mood.

* * *

The next weeks passed in rather quiet routine. It was already late in March and the days outside were slowly getting warmer, though everyone was just too busy with preparing for the midterm exams to spend much time outside anyway. Even though the real exams were waiting for them in July, most of their teachers had made it their duty to prepare their students as early as possible, so their everyday life was packed with courses and homework and learning. Even Brig had gradually stopped organizing his weekly Friday evening parties in his quarters, the thought of getting drunk with his comrades losing more and more of its attraction in face of the dread Edwards and his allies were posing. While Julian kept his promise and did everything that was required for his courses at the Academy, he spent many an evening with Amos in his lab, helping him with his research.

Most of the time, there wasn't really much to do. He went with Amos through the results of his studies, helped preparing new experiments and analyzed much of the data. But even though their work never involved any real breakthrough discovery, Amos let him take part in all the discussion and attached great importance to his opinion and that alone was all the reward Julian ever needed. It was a good feeling, like if he was finally doing something meaningful. As if he was not only following a path laid out for him by others, not only trying to be like the rest of his comrades but as if he was actively using abilities and skills only he had. Never before had he made a similar experience. For the first time in his life, he felt as if his life had a purpose. As if there was something he was meant to do. And with an odd feeling of nostalgia he wondered if this was what Alan and Marin had once meant with having a dream you wanted to fulfill...

It was on one of those evenings in Amos' lab, both of them bent over the last results of Amos' recent test series that Julian suddenly knew that he had finally found what he had been searching for during all these past years without even knowing it: a place where he belonged.

This here was his element. He liked being a doctor. He like being a scientist. He was so looking forward to going out into the unknown territories of space to seek out new adventure and new experiences. He couldn't wait to get his degree and embark on a journey that led him to real challenges. But above all, he had finally found a way to put all his abilities to use. All the skills he'd always pretended not to have. There were so many things he could do, that only he could do. And Starfleet Medical gave him the opportunity to do them. For the first time in many years he felt proud of himself, the things he had achieved. Amos had been right. He'd been given a gift – he would be a fool to throw it away...

"Julian, are you coming?" the burly young man, Brigs, next to him drew him from his reverie when was standing in the long corridor in the main hall one morning. "It's almost nine! So step on it!" His face was red and he was slightly out of breath from hurrying through the corridor, as he urged Julian to get going.

"Oh... ah... sorry!" Julian mumbled distractedly, shoving the data PADD with Amos' test results from the previous night back into this bag. "I'm right behind you!"

He literally skidded into the classroom only a few moments after Brig and a few seconds before Mr. Edwards. Even after three years, the man still managed to make Julian stutter with nervousness when he settled into one of his famous interrogations. Poor Alan was still terrified of their lessons with Edwards, and even Julian felt his usual confidence dwindle under his teacher's deep and penetrating stare.

Luckily, he managed to remain rather unseen for most of the time. He'd learned that not drawing Edwards' attention was the best thing to do and to his great surprise only thinking back on the man's speech on their first day three years ago was everything it took to make him be prepared for each of his classes like for no other class. Edwards was without doubt the one teacher who had the most influence over his students in the entire medical faculty. Unfortunately, being best in class also meant that Edwards was taking greater notice in him than it was good for Julian.

When after two long hours the morning course was finally over, it was as always time for a quick lunch in the crowded cafeteria before they had to hurry off to their next class: History of Medicine. The lessons were held by an aged Vulcan with the name T'Pel whose lectures were about as interesting and entertaining as watching a Bolian snail fight. Why they had to redo the entire history of medical discovery on Earth during their seven years at Starfleet Medical still remained a riddle for Julian, but as most of the lessons were just about listening and holding out until the two hours of history lessons were over, it was a rather easy subject compared to Edwards and his boot camp.

Marin was already sitting at their usual place, tapping absently at the PADD in her hands when he dropped down into the chair next to her.

"What's that?" Alan demanded as he sat down on her other side, trying to catch a glimpse at the object of her attention.

"It's the program of our Academy sports center," she sighed with a wry smile.

"You'd like to take one of their courses? Which one?" Julian leaned over to get a better look.

Marin shook her head. "I'm not sure... I'd like to try some ballet but..."

Instantly, Alan burst into laughter.

"What?" the girl demanded with a dark glare. Julian arched one brow to make Alan aware of the thunderstorm that was brewing on the horizon.

"It's just... you and ballet...?" Alan couldn't help a foolish grin, just earning him another glare from Marin. "Besides, you don't have time for sports! If I may remind you, our day is packed with lessons. And next year there's the medical duty. As long as you don't manage to clone yourself, I don't see how you could possibly do both."

She seemed embarrassed, Alan having obviously voiced her own concern. "I don't know. But you know what they say: Sound mind in a sound body. I guess I just need something where I can work off all that stress," she mused. "All the time in the library racking your brain. It drives me crazy..."

"Well, why not?" Julian finally sided with her. "You're right, I wouldn't want to miss my racquetball sessions. Sports really is a good means to release stress. And it's even proven from a medical viewpoint."

Alan frowned. "Which makes me still wonder how you find enough time to do your sports, do all your preparations for your courses _and _meet with Mr. Amos to help him with his work. I mean, with your grades. How do you do that?"

For a moment, Julian didn't respond. But then his lips drew into an enigmatic smile. "Balance," was everything he replied.

Alan rolled his eyes. "Says Mr. Genius..."

Before Julian was able to form a reply, the room suddenly grew quiet, their teacher having just walked through the door. Julian just shrugged, turning his attention to the old Vulcan who strode across the room with his usual solemn dignity. He cleared his throat, taking position at the front part of the room. His pointed eyebrows were as white as his thin hair, and his wrinkled forehead creased into even deeper lines when he studied the faces of all present students to check if someone was missing from the class. Finally, he set his PADD aside and clasped his hands calmly behind his back. His voice was as always flat and monotone when he addressed his assembled students with a raised eyebrow.

"Last time, we were talking about James Watson's and Francis Crick's epoch-making discovery and the central dogma of molecular biology in the early 20th century on Earth. From there I'd like to skip some years to go a little further into the late 20th century on Earth. We've seen the good things their discovery did for medicine. But as every new discovery in science has its bright side, there's always the dark sight we may not forget. Our next topic, young ladies and gentlemen, will deal with an especially dark period of medical history on Earth – the Eugenic Wars from 1993 to 1996. I'll first give you a rough outline of the events of that time. We'll talk about what happened from a medical point of view after which you'll then write an essay on the subject which will be part of the obligatory homework you need to hand in to receive your credits for this course."

A groan went through the crowd at the prospect of yet another essay, but the old Vulcan held his hand up to prevent any further objections.

While he turned back to activate the large screen in front of the room, some students in the middle rows whispered to each other or made silent grimaces to comfort each other at the prospect of yet more homework. Alan scribbled down the new task on his PADD, while Marin was absently playing with a streak of her dark hair, her gaze absently directed at the bright yellow letters that were popping up on the black shiny screen. But none of them were noticing the sudden terrified look on the one student's face who sat silently in their midst, staring thunderstruck at the information that was slowly scrolling down in front of everyone's eyes.


	4. 04 Shattered Mirror

**Chapter 04**

"Shattered Mirror"

'

"In the late 20th century on Earth, a group of scientists trying to seize control over Earth almost caused the complete destruction of the planet by igniting what is nowadays known as the Eugenic Wars. Even though the knowledge of that particular period in history is fragmented and much of the data about that time lost forever, we know that it all started with the scientists' idea of improving the human race through selective breeding and genetic engineering. It is still unknown where exactly the movement started, or what exactly encouraged its sudden and rather unexpected popularity, but the idea of a genetically manipulated and enhanced society rapidly gained in influence like a fire that raged across 20th century Earth with a breathtaking force. In 1990, the nowadays most famous and widely known Augment – Khan Noonien Singh – rose to seize power over a considerable part of the world, soon extending his reign over large areas of Asia and into the Middle East. His government, consisting of a selected group of equally genetically engineered superhumans, was supported by other genetically enhanced humans whose goal it was to bring humanity to a new level which – according to Singh – could only be reached by manipulating humanoid DNA to free it from the limits imposed upon it by nature. Singh's absolute rule soon ignited similar movements throughout the world. The wide popularity of scientific manipulation of the humanoid genome produced a growing group of genetically augmented beings that soon followed Singh's example. In only a few years, many of the nations of 20th century Earth were dominated by genetically enhanced humans like Khan."

Tabbing her PADD to change pages, Marin cleared her throat and continued:

"It was not clear when exactly the first riots that soon should develop into serious fightings began. Some claim that Singh was the first to launch an attack at neighboring nations because he saw a threat in their growing sovereignty that was hindering the expansion of his own empire. Others say that large parts of the normal, not genetically engineered population rose up to defend themselves against the growing power of the superhuman. But fact is that local conflicts soon developed into a series of nationwide fightings, leading finally to a war between large parts of Earth, known now as the Eugenic Wars between 1993 and 1996. Even though the fightings left serious scars on Earth and claimed many dead, the rebellion against the Augments finally succeeded in overthrowing Singh's reign, thus freeing the world from the total power of the genetically enhanced. It is due to this dark period in Earth's history that the concept of genetic engineering has been considered forbidden and untouchable in all the years that should follow the Federation's foundation, its main purpose stated in the charter of the United Federation of Planets as self-restriction for the sake of the endurance of humanity."

He heard her soft and almost reverent voice that was reading the article from the database like through a thick layer of cotton, his mind too far away as to really notice what she was saying. His knees pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped around them, he was resting his chin on his knees, staring blankly out of the huge window that was giving a good view of the green outside. Small groups of students were sauntering over the vast green grounds in the sunshine, talking animatedly among themselves. In the distance, the tops of the city were reflecting the morning sun, glittering like a sea of light and somewhere near the horizon the sky was busy with the morning transports that were bearing toward the landing port of the city.

Sighing, he closed his eyes. So here it was again. The truth he'd always tried to run away from. The truth he'd been trying to pretend didn't exist. The truth he had so successfully blocked out until T'Pel had brought it all back with one silly tab of his finger. The Eugenic Wars. And it had all come back to him, like a boomerang he'd thrown so far off that he could no longer see it, but which came back, hitting him all the harder in a moment of inattention. He'd known that sooner or later he'd have to face it again. He'd known that the problem wouldn't solve itself just because he was not talking about it. But during all these past years, everything had seemed so normal. Like if he was leading the life of a normal teenager. He'd grown so good at pretending that he'd almost forgotten the ugly truth...

"Julian?"

Marin's gentle but insistent voice drew him back from his dark thoughts. Blinking, he realized that she had stopped reading and was now watching him out of dark, apprehensive eyes.

"Hum?" he murmured half-heartedly, not at all eager to become a part of the conversation.

"Did you even listen to what I said?" she asked with slight exasperation.

Julian shook his head. Sighing, he turned his full attention to her. "Sorry, you were saying?"

Marin grimaced in mock disapproval, but then held up the PADD she'd been reading aloud earlier, waving it in the air as if to underline her words. "We're supposed to give a summary of the events during the Eugenic Wars and write our own opinion about whether or not genetic engineering should be allowed in the Federation. Mr. T'Pel said that we need to discuss this in groups and hand in our essay at the end of this week."

She was sitting at the table next to Alan's bed, a large pile of PADDs stacked in front of her. Alan was at her side, his elbow propped on the table and his chin resting in his hand. He looked rather bored, the prospect of so much homework not exactly lifting his mood. Suppressing another sigh, Julian bit his lower lip. For Marin and Alan it was just another homework. Another essay they had to write. Just another few hours they had to spend on preparing themselves for their lessons with T'Pel to get the credits they needed for this term.

But not for him. He felt sick at the prospect of having to spend any more time in Mr. T'Pel's lessons, having to listen to anything that had to do with genetic engineering or the Eugenic Wars. He would have skipped classes hadn't his attention been required for receiving the necessary credits for the course. He couldn't afford having to redo the course in order to get the credits next term.

"I asked you for your opinion on the question Mr. T'Pel gave us. That is, should genetic engineering remained forbidden within the Federation or not. You've kept so silent all the time. I just wanted to hear your opinion."

Julian winced, avoiding her questioning gaze for he wasn't sure what his face was giving away about his real emotions. Still staring out the window, he knew that he was due for an answer, though. If Marin just weren't so eager to discuss this special subject...

"So, what do _you_ think?" he asked back, trying to divert their attention instead of giving any clear answer.

Alan frowned and leaned back. "Well, it is a rather difficult question, isn't it?" He pushed the big black glasses back up his nose, an unconscious gesture he always made when he was thinking hard about a problem.

Marin leaned back as well, crossing her arms over her slender chest. "Is it, really?" Her dark eyes bore a resoluteness he'd rarely seen in them when she said: "I think the answer is clear. I don't think genetic engineering should be allowed in the Federation. No matter what progress it may be for science, I think there are some boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. It's a moral question. I mean, there is a good reason why it is banned within the Federation. Even if we leave out the side effects genetic engineering obviously has, it's just not normal. Tampering with a humanoid DNA is dangerous, and if we don't have laws against the experiments with genetic engineering who knows what could happen."

Alan shot her a doubtful look. "But don't you think that's a bit... I mean, old fashioned to think of it that way?" He shrugged. "Just imagine what good it could do if we were able to select certain abilities we'd like to improve. Just take our mental abilities for example. We could learn so many things in so little time. Don't tell me you wouldn't be tempted to do it yourself if it were possible." Alan looked meaningfully from Marin to Julian and back. Then a sudden broad grin spread across his features when he pointed at Julian. "Just imagine we were all so good at learning like our Julian here."

Julian felt his heart skip a beat. Without turning, he grimaced. "That's not funny, Alan," he said in a flat voice.

"No, I'm serious. Just imagine, only for a moment, that all of us three were genetically enhanced. We could learn so much in our seven years here. It would be so easy. And just imagine Mr. Drill Sergeant's face when he found out that he couldn't keep up with our pace to learn new things. Or..."

"Just stop it, Alan!" Julian snapped, this time more vehemently. Alan's playful jokes just made his sickness worse. He rubbed his eyes, swallowing hard.

"Okay, okay, I'm just saying that I don't think that genetic engineering is such a bad thing," Alan held up both hands in deference.

"Believe me, Alan, if we were a group of genetically enhanced students, we wouldn't be sitting here discussing our homework!" Marin declared, tapping her PADD, her eyes flying over the text as if she was searching for something. "One of the side effects of genetic engineering is that it leaves the person in question more aggressive and with a higher violent potential," she read, repeating what was obviously written in the article she had recited earlier. "Genetically engineered humans tend to violent behavior which was once regarded as the most crucial flaw of the Augments."

Julian felt himself grow more and more frustrated. His stomach was aching. "I don't think that applies to all of them..."

Marin shot him a quizzical glance. "But that's how they are described. It's common knowledge that the Augments only succeeded in gaining dominance over so large parts of the world due to their violent ambition and their lack of moral principles."

For a moment the room grew quiet, as if Marin's last comment had left no room for further arguments. The air suddenly felt so thick that Julian had trouble breathing. Sucking in shallow breaths, he tried to get his thumping heart back under control. Though in vain.

"Have you ever met one?" Julian finally demanded in a controlled voice, unable to hold himself back any longer.

"What do you mean?" Marin looked up perplexed.

"I mean, have you ever met a genetically enhanced human in person?" Julian glared at her.

"Stop speaking in that smug way of yours, Julian. You know that I haven't. How could I? Genetic engineering is illegal!" she gave back defiantly.

"So how can you say that they're all a violent and aggressive bunch?"

"Because it's true," she held. "Take Khan and his followers for example. This is what led to the Eugenic Wars. Not normal people started the war, Julian. It were the Augments. It were Khan and his men. And all the other genetically enhanced people. That's what brought all the destruction about Earth."

Julian snorted under his breath.

"But it's true!" Marin leaned intently over. "And if the Federation would ever allow genetic engineering again, the same things would happen all over again!"

Her words were like a slap in the face. For a tension-filled moment, Julian just stared at her, an indefinite mixture of anger and hurt churning in his stomach. It was all he could do to struggle to keep his upwelling emotions at bay. There was so much more he wanted to say. If he could only tell her. If he could only tell them all. But he couldn't. And never would be able to. She probably didn't even know how deep her words cut. She was living in a blissfully intact world. As was Alan. As were all of his friends. Ignorant, presuming and arrogant. He'd had enough of that.

Fighting back his rising anger and the wave of despair that came with it, he took a deep breath, struggling to retain his composure. And without another word he stood, walking out of the door without another look back, part of him grateful for the chance to not let them see the all too evident humiliation on his flushed face.

"I take this as a pro for genetic engineering then." Alan's resigned words were the last thing he heard before the door glided shut in his back. One second later and he was alone. Again.

* * *

When he stormed into the science lab, Amos stood as always bent over one of his consoles, studying the readouts with a concentrated frown. At the whoosh of the door he turned, his eyes growing wide with surprise at the sudden visitor.

"Why, Julian?" he exclaimed. And with a look into the fuming face of the young man he added with worry: "What happened?"

Julian dropped heavily into the chair next to one of the consoles, propping his elbows on the table and rubbing his still flushed face with both hands. "The Eugenic Wars, that happened," he retorted bluntly, not even bothering to conceal his bad mood.

Amos arched one brow, coming over to the young man who had so suddenly come to interrupt his work. A sad smile crossed his lips. Then he sighed. "As they were bound to sooner or later, I guess. Care for some tea or coffee?" He pointed toward the replicator.

Julian grimaced and shook his head. "No, thank you. I had too much of that of late." And noticing the metallic device in Amos' hands, he frowned slightly distracted. "What's that?"

Following the young man's gaze, Amos waived the piece of equipment in his hand. "A neural scanner. Well, sort of. But I don't seem to get it to work. I've been trying to get this thing into action for the better part of this morning. But... never mind."

Bringing his own coffee with him, he placed the half empty mug on the table next to Julian, before he pulled up a chair.

"So, let's start at the beginning. What happened?"

Julian's shoulders slumped. "I had an argument with my friends," he finally mumbled darkly.

"And...?" Amos probed.

"We have to do a report on the Eugenic Wars and write an essay with our opinion whether or not genetic engineering should remained forbidden within the Federation," Julian said gloomily, part of him grateful for being able to speak freely. "We had to discuss this issue in groups to write our conclusion into an essay."

The other man leaned forward. "And what conclusion did your friends reach?" he asked, apprehensively.

Julian stared miserably ahead. Much of his anger he'd already vented by racing down to Amos' science lab. What was left of it was rather a profound anguish about the things his best friend had said. "Marin says that it should remain forbidden because she thinks that genetically enhanced humans are an aggressive, violent bunch of inhuman monsters trying to seize power over the whole universe. Or sort of."

"Well, I'm sure she's not the only one with that opinion." Amos regarded him for a long moment. They rarely talked about it. Even though Amos knew about his genetically enhanced background, he had never pressed for further information. He'd advised him to keep it a secret. And that was what Julian had done. But the silent understanding between them had always been comforting.

"But that's not the point," Julian tried again. "How can she be so shortsighted and so full of prejudices? She has absolutely no idea what she's talking about. Neither of them has. They're just so... so..."

"Innocent?" Amos offered with a sad smile. "Don't be so harsh with them, Julian. They never had to make the same experience as you had. Goodness, even you should have never had to go through what you did. They're just repeating what was put into them ever since they were young."

Julian frowned. "But not everyone thinks so. I wish they could understand. And I wish they would see things more like you."

Amos laughed, drawing himself up. "A scientist? Well, hopefully they will, one day. But give them some time, Julian. They're your friends. Don't take their words too seriously. I'm sure they would never say these kind of things if they knew more about you."

_But that's the problem_… Julian thought bitterly. _They never will have the chance to get to know more about me... not unless I want to ruin everything I have achieved so far..._

Watching Amos walk over to check again on the readouts, Julian remained seated, staring absently at Amos' back. "Is there anything I can help you with?" he asked, trying to find some excuse to stay with Amos a little longer. He didn't want to disturb him at his work, but Amos was about the only person on this whole planet to understand Julian's feelings. His company was comforting.

Amos looked up. "Oh, not really. I've run the test series we discussed earlier, but there isn't much to do actually..." Noticing the crestfallen look on the young man's face though, he thought for a moment. "Well, okay, there is something you could do for me. If you really want to help me you could use that young agitated brain of yours to give me some brain wave samples for my scanner here. Let's see if we can get this thing to work." He retrieved the neural scanner from before, and rotated it frowning in his hands.

"Either it really is malfunctioning or I just don't know how to use it. Either way, I guess I could try to recalibrate it. Would be useful not to use my own head while doing so," he grinned mischievously.

"What shall I do?" Julian asked, eager to be of help.

Amos bit back a smile. "Just sit down here. Actually you don't have to do anything. Just keep that thing busy until I made the recalibration." With that he waited for the young man to sit down next to him, gently placed the scanner on Julian's forehead and went over to input some data in the console at their side. The unfamiliar weight of the scanner was a slightly odd feeling.

"You haven't told me what your other friend had to say. What was his name? Alan?" Amos said absently, pushing some buttons on the display in front of him.

Julian frowned. "I'm not sure. He's usually very neutral. But I guess he's about the same opinion that Marin has." He sighed, his face growing dark again.

"Don't blame them, Julian. They've been good friends so far. Don't let this destroy your friendship," Amos said as he concentrated on his panel. Then he frowned.

Trying to see what Amos was doing, Julian slowly turned his head into his direction, careful not to let the scanner slip into a wrong position. "What is it? Any problems?"

Amos shook his head. "That damn thing still doesn't work... I don't get any clear data. Perhaps I should get it checked by a maintenance unit anyway." He sighed. But then he retrieved a hypo from the table next to them and came back to Julian. Holding up the hypo, he said: "I'd like to try a neural enhancer. It just improves the scanner's radius. It's harmless, but it will help this thing here to get a better pick up on your brain waves. When are your next classes?"

"In one and a half hour," Julian replied truthfully.

Amos nodded, holding up the hypo. "Do you mind?"

Julian shook his head. Patting the young man on his shoulder, Amos smiled. "Okay, but let's move over to the biobed anyway. Just to be on the safe side."

Julian did as he was told, crossing the room toward the only biobed on the other side of the room and lying down the length of the bed. Being in an unaccustomed position like this felt somehow strange. It made him feel so exposed and... vulnerable. And it reminded him of the early days of his childhood when he had spent quite a long time in hospital. It had been the only time that he'd ever been to a hospital. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd been so sick that he needed to see a doctor. He shrugged off the odd feeling, watching the white neon lights on the ceiling above him with nothing much else to do. Then Amos came over, adjusting the scanner once again. A moment later, he felt the cool touch of a hypo at his neck and heard its familiar faint hiss directly next to his left ear.

"So, let's see if we can get this baby to work."

* * *

"Julian!"

The sudden call of his name held him back. Turning round in the direction of the familiar voice, he was slightly surprised to see Marin running toward him. Uttering excuses, she made her way through the crowd of students that was filing into the classroom until she came to a halt in front of him.

"There you are! I've been searching high and low for you," she said breathlessly.

Before he had the chance to speak up, she held up one hand. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all the things that I said." She grimaced. "I know, it wasn't very intellectual, and I know that we Starfleet students should be open to see things with our own eyes and think with our own heads instead of just blindly follow what others tell us. I think I can understand now why you were so angry... I'm sorry for having upset you." A sad smile spread across her features when she awkwardly clasped her hands before her.

Embarrassed, Julian glanced down to the floor. "Thanks... but... never mind. I guess, I'm the one who overreacted."

When he felt a soft touch on his arm, he looked up, just to look into her gentle face. Her dark eyes were still sparkling with the same zest for life he'd already noticed on the first day he'd met her. "From now on, I'll try to be as unbiased and tolerant as you are, Julian. And I promise, if I ever happened to meet a genetically enhanced person, I'll meet that person with an open mind."

Julian returned her smile, silently hoping that his own wouldn't falter.

She squeezed his arm in obvious relief, pointing to where the mass of students was headed. "I think we'd better be going..."

They sat down at their usual places. Alan was already there, flipping through the few pages of his essay he'd obviously managed to draft during Julian's absence. His face lit up with palpable relief when he saw Julian accompanying Marin.

A moment later, Edwards entered the room. He was carrying a stack of PADDs, slowly pacing through the rows to hand the devices back to his students with a face that was an unreadable mask as always.

"As many of you know, we're almost through the theoretical part of your study. Which means that there are a lot of exams waiting for you at the end of this term. As there are only a few months left, I want you to concentrate from now on fully on your studies. That means: No parties, no hobbies, no hanging out after classes and no visits to the holosuites on the weekend." He clasped his hands behind his back as he continued with a solemn air, starting to pace the room. "You'll need every time you have to spend preparing for your exams. If you have the time to do nothing, you can as well revise the basics of neuroscience. If you have the time to talk to your friends, you can as well go through your notes of the last three years. And if you have the time to help others, you'd better keep in mind that you have your hands full with your own work."

His gaze wandered about the crowd of silent students when he strode slowly through their midst. When he came to Julian's place, he stopped, his face drawn into a dark frown. He didn't lower his gaze when he said: "I want you to take my word for it: You won't have time to care for anything or anyone but yourselves." Then he went on, making Julian breathe an inward sigh of relief. Was it just his imagination or had Edwards' words been directed at him rather than all the other students in the room? A quick side glance at Alan told him that his friend had grown as stiff as always, again terrified of what Edwards was saying. Even Marin looked gloomy and sour, her somewhat defiant gaze fixed on the older man's back as he strode again to the front part of the room. He shook his head. He _was_ doing all the preparations for his classes. He was probably more prepared than any of his fellow students ever would be. But why couldn't he shake the odd feeling that Edwards' words had been directed especially at him?

With a bad feeling he watched Edwards turn back to them. Even though the older teacher didn't pay more attention to him than to the rest of the class, he couldn't help the feeling that Edwards was watching him.

He sighed, rubbing absently his temples. The whole day was beginning to give him a headache – and somehow it was getting worse and worse.

* * *

After an uneventful afternoon first with Edwards, then with Dr. Thomas in pediatrics, Julian felt so tired and emotionally drained that the only thing he wanted to do was go back to his quarters and fall into bed. Marin at first looked slightly worried when he told her that he wouldn't have dinner with them as usual, as if she was afraid that he was still angry with her for their argument in the morning. She didn't press further, though. Alan just patted him on the shoulder, telling him that he'd see him later in their quarters before he took Marin by the arm and gently steered her toward the main hall. He watched them leave with a strange mixture of guilt and relief, until he was standing alone in the long, grey corridor outside the classroom. Indecisively, he checked the chronometer. It was still early in the evening, the sun outside just about to set. For a short moment he contemplated returning to their quarters to get some rest. His headache was getting worse and his mood had sunken so low during the last few hours that he knew it would be best to end this day as quickly as possible.

With a deep sigh, he leaned back his head and shut his eyes tightly.

If he knew one thing than it was that he wanted to be alone. Away from all the other students. Away from all the bustling of the Academy. Away from the silent mess that was his life. And he could think of only one place in this whole complex where to find some time for himself.

When he made his way through the hallways toward the botanic garden, he tried to keep his head down and make as little eye contact as possible. He knew that none of the other students were really watching him, but still it felt as if their gazes were silently following him when he passed, like if everyone was turning to stare at him when he hurriedly made his way through their midst. He tried to shrug that odd feeling off, telling himself that he was just having a bad day. But when he finally arrived at his destination, he all but fled into the section of the botanic garden, noticing with relief that most people had started to move inside with the last faint rays of light.

It didn't take him long to find their usual place among the trees. It was like a small alcove, securely hidden from the view of any passers-by. Alan had been the first to tell them about it, two years back when they'd tried to find a secret place for spending some time away from the ever watchful eyes of the Academy personnel. When he was finally sure that he was alone, he took a deep calming breath and slowly dropped down onto the green grass. Above him, the last rays of sunlight were coloring the sky a deep purple, the artificial lightning throughout the garden gradually churning to life.

Hesitantly, he opened his bag and took out the PADD he'd worked with earlier. He numbly stared at its display, at the blank space on the first page. How on Earth was he supposed to start this essay? Chewing on his bottom lip, he stared absently ahead.

For a long moment, he just sat there, PADD in his hands and lost in his thoughts.

He just couldn't forget Marin's earlier words. Her face when she had told him what she thought about genetic engineering. He wasn't angry at her anymore. Not really. It was more the things she had said. Her conviction when she'd said that genetic engineering was no normal, that it was against nature…

For a moment he wondered what would happen if he told her. What would she say if he told her the truth? What would Alan say? Staring up into the purple sky, he idly wondered what it would do to their friendship. Would he lose them? They'd been through so much together. Wouldn't their friendship stand above such things? Some large part of him was almost sure that they would understand. So wasn't it something worth the risk of trying?

He slowly closed his eyes.

He was tired of running away. He was tired of hiding. He just wanted to be accepted as the person he was.

If there just weren't so much at stake… and those words that still kept haunting him after all these years.

"_What the hell were you thinking? Running off like this, just to go share your secret with the next best person. I wonder if you were thinking at all! How much did you tell him?" Richard Bashir was fuming as he paced to and fro in the living room, his face flushed with anger._

"_The truth."_

_He abruptly came to a halt, staring incredulously at young Julian. "Have you lost your mind?"_

"_Richard!" Amsha pleaded._

_Young Julian stared defiantly back at his father, mustering all the courage he could find. "He won't say anything. He understands. And he promised that he won't tell anyone."_

_Richard Bashir snorted. "And how much do you think his promise is worth? What can you do with that promise if he decides to report the incident to the headmaster – or any other authority? How will that promise help you when you realize that your life is about to collapse around you?"_

_He came over with big strides, still glaring at his son. "You're fifteen years old, Jules. I thought you were old enough to understand the consequences of your actions, but obviously I was wrong. Do you even know what you've done?"_

_Young Julian still met his gaze defiantly, though his resolution was wavering. Never before had he seen his father so furious. His heart was hammering so hard in his chest that he hardly managed to sit still._

_His mother was reaching for his hand. "Jules, your father just wants you to understand that you cannot tell people about the truth. It's too dangerous." Her eyes were so full of sorrow that it was impossible for him to meet her gaze. Awkwardly, his eyes dropped to the carpet._

"_I'll have to talk to that teacher. The sooner the better," Richard absently said, running a hand through his hair. _

"_But he promised that he won't tell anyone!" Young Julian tried again, feeling tears of frustration and anger well in his eyes. "And I trust him."_

_Richard's jaw set. "Jules, how often do I need to tell you to make you understand? That man has the power to destroy your life. Only one word and you'll lose everything! Have you ever thought about that before you went running to him to pour out your heart? Even if he doesn't say anything. Even if he keeps his promise. It doesn't change anything. One wrong word and it's over. It's not what he _will_ tell others. It's what he _could_ tell them."_

"_But…" young Julian retorted, but the words stuck in his throat. Thick tears were slowly rolling down his cheeks._

"_Jules…" his mother began, about to reach out to take him into her arms. But he moved away quickly enough to bring himself out of reach. Staggering, he came to his feet, looking from his father to his mother and back. _

"_But this is not my fault!" he yelled at them. "I didn't do anything wrong!" _

_And with that he ran back to his room, banging the door in his back and turning the key._

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly. After all these years, he still vividly recalled his father's bewildered expression, the open distress that was painted across his angry face. His mother's helplessness to save the situation. And how he had refused to speak to any of them during the next days until he'd calmed down far enough to think about what his parents had tried to tell him on that day.

Slowly, he opened his eyes again. The sun had almost completely set, and night had started to fall. Watching the faint stars appear in the velvet sky, it felt as if he was the only person in this whole universe. For a long moment, he just sat there, thinking about his life and the direction his life was headed.

Was it really so bad? What did it matter if others knew about his real nature? They were his friends after all. And nothing would change this.

He reached again for the PADD, staring at it for a long while until he slowly took his pen. With a deep, resigned sigh and a heavy heart, he started to write.


	5. 05 Wish I were you

**Chapter 05**

"Wish I were you"

,

When he woke on the next morning, his head was thick with a throbbing headache.

Bright, warm sunlight was filtering in through the large window, bathing the room into as soft, golden glow. The sun was already climbing in the eastern sky, and the cloudless blue that stretched outside the window promised another cool but sunny spring morning. Blinking several times against the crude brightness, he groaned and instinctively buried his face under his pillow. His head was aching like from a hell of a hangover and his throat felt so parched and sore as if he was completely dehydrated. Still half-asleep he rolled laboriously over in bed and squinted at the chronometer.

_0840._

_Bad. Very bad._

Julian sat up in bed, his head still swimming with a strange pounding sensation, making him wish he could just go back to sleep. His whole body felt so heavy, every muscle ached. Despite the warm sunlight, he was shivering and drenched in sweat. Drawing the bed cover tighter around him, he swallowed hard against the dryness in his throat. If his head would just stop throbbing. He felt like someone had hit him over with a club. Only the mere thought of having to get out of bed to put on his uniform was too much for him.

Still, he would get into big trouble if he didn't.

Shoving the bed cover aside, he brought his feet out onto the carpet and struggled to get up. With dismay he noticed that Alan had already left. His bed was empty. Why hadn't he woken him? Trudging over into the bathroom, he watched his tired reflection in the mirror above the sink – and involuntarily winced at the fatigue he saw on the face that was staring back at him. Splashing cold water onto his face, he hurried to rub it dry, suddenly pausing when he felt his too warm forehead. Staring at his fingertips in stunned surprise, he didn't need a tricorder to tell what was wrong with him this morning.

He was running a fever.

Strange. He hadn't had a fever since he was a child. And even that had been so long ago that he could hardly remember what it felt like to be sick. All the more he was now surprised to find his body so heavy that it was difficult to make the few meters from the living-room area into the bathroom. Perhaps it was just the stress of the recent days? He'd spent so much time with Amos and his research that he needed to cut his sleeping hours in order to keep up with his exam preparations. Perhaps it were just all those sleepless nights that were now taking their toll on him. Groaning, he rubbed his eyes, trying to banish the haze out of his mind. He needed to get to his course. He would get into trouble if he didn't.

Climbing awkwardly into his trousers, he hurried to stuff the few PADDs he needed for the next lesson into his bag and began searching for his uniform jacket. Even though he tried to hurry, it suddenly felt as if he needed twice the time to make his body move. Another five minutes later he was more or less dressed and stumbling out of his quarters to the never-ending nightmare called Exobiology classes.

When he finally dropped his things on the desk next to Marin, the young woman frowned. "Julian? What happened? You look terrible!"

Julian attempted a crooked smile. "Well, I _feel_ terrible," he tried to make light of the matter, just as Edwards came into the room.

As always, he went straight to his place in front of them, scanning the room to note down if someone was missing from the class. Julian released an inner sigh of relief about having made it to the course in time. Still, the next two hours passed in an agonizing slowness that made Julian wish he'd never decided to leave his bed this morning. Only concentrating on what Edwards was saying was almost too much for him, and more than once he was tempted to just rest his head on the desk and close his eyes. Every heartbeat was still echoing ten times louder than usual in his head and sitting still soon became a pain of its own. When Edwards finally put his PADD down and the chime announced the end of the course, Julian could have cried with relief.

Hurrying to gather his things, he was about to draw himself up when Edwards suddenly called him back.

"Cadet Bashir. May I have a word with you?"

Julian cursed his luck. Ignoring his hammering heart, he quickly told Marin that he would meet her afterward for lunch in the cafeteria before he reluctantly made his way to Edwards. The rest of the students had almost completely trickled out into the corridor by the time Julian came to a halt in front of his teacher. No matter how long he'd been attending Edwards' classes now, he'd probably never get used to his scrutinizing gaze that always seemed to see right through him.

The older man studied him with a dark frown, making Julian silently wish he weren't the only student left in the quiet room now. "Mr. Bashir, I think I'm not telling you something new when I say that this summer midterm exams will be waiting for you. I also take it that you've already started – as have your friends – to prepare yourself for the impending tests. May I remind you that passing those tests is essential for your further career in Starfleet Medical? You've learned the theoretical part during these last three years. Now it is time for you to experience how to really practice medicine."

Julian nodded reluctantly, not sure what Edwards was getting at. But whatever it was, he wasn't sure he wanted to know. "Yes, sir."

Edwards nodded. "I've noticed that you've been spending quite some time with Mr. Amos and his research recently."

Julian felt his heart beat up into his mouth. _So this is where this is going... _Julian thought with a hint of ill-boding premonition. He uncomfortably shifted his balance from one foot to the other. "That's right, sir."

"I don't know what you're doing there and if you're helping Amos with his work or not. But I would like to remind you that you're not here as an assistant to Mr. Amos. You're not here to spend your time with research on your own. You're a student of Starfleet Medical. There are things for you to learn and your primary aim should be to fulfill the expectations one is having on you. You have so much to do in your daily courses that it shouldn't leave you with much time for other things if you were doing your preparations properly."

Julian felt his jaw set. He was doing his homework if that was what Edwards was alluding to. And he was doing it well. Edwards should be the first to know that he was best in class.

"I am sorry, if I gave the wrong impression, sir, but I'm taking my courses and studies here seriously," Julian said in a controlled voice, swallowing back the defiant remark that had already sprung to his mind.

Edwards nodded, his lips drawing into a thin, contemplative line. "I know you are. But as your teacher, I cannot allow the slightest possibility that would endanger your career here. I know that you may think that you can do both, learning and helping Mr. Amos. But as your teacher, I cannot agree. I hope you'll understand that I cannot approve of your spending so much time with research and study that is not related to any of your actual lessons. God knows you've got enough things to learn before your exams start and even that time won't really be enough to cover all you have to know for the tests." Edwards clasped both hands behind his back, slowly starting to walk. "From now on, I want you to concentrate fully on your studies. Which is why I would like to ask you to refrain from meeting with Mr. Amos any more."

It came like a slap in the face. Julian stared unbelieving at Edwards. Even formulated as a simple advice, Julian knew that his words held no room for objections.

"But, sir..."

Edwards held up one hand to stop whatever argument Julian was about to bring forth. "This is not something free for you to discuss. I don't want you to meet with Mr. Amos any longer. And that is an order." And propping himself with both arms on the desk, he leaned intently over, fixing Julian with his intense gaze as if to nib any thought of rebellion in the bud. "Have I made myself clear?"

Julian stared defiantly at the other man, even as he felt his world shatter around him. He'd been prepared for much, but surely not this.

What problem did Edwards have? There was absolutely nothing he could hold against him. This was ridiculous! He was so close to venting his anger but held himself back before he could have said something he would have regretted afterward, swallowing the protest that had already risen to his lips. Still, what right did Edwards have to tell him what to do? What right did that smug, arrogant person have to decide what was best for him and what not? But what was even worse was that he was about to lose the only thing that meant so much to him at this place. His work with Amos. After all the time it had taken him to finally find a place to feel at home. A place where he belonged. How could Edwards destroy that on a whim?

After what seemed like an eternity, Julian finally nodded. He hated himself for the power Edwards had over him, the way Edwards' words always managed to undermine his self-confidence. But he didn't dare protest. The only thing he knew was that he would just make things worse if he openly defied Edwards' order.

Clenching his hands into fists, he said with no real alternative: "I see, sir."

"Good," Edwards nodded, obviously satisfied. "Then I would suggest you report to the infirmary now. You look awful."

Julian stared at him for another long moment, before he felt his cheeks flush with humiliation. He quickly averted his gaze and all but fled from the room, leaving Edwards alone in the now empty classroom.

* * *

An hour and a stop-over at the infirmary later, he was carrying his tray through the crowded cafeteria, searching for familiar faces among the mass of students.

His head felt clearer than before, even though the throbbing headache hadn't completely vanished. One well selected hypo had done wonders to his aching body. Even though the nurse had assured him that he should feel up and about in no time, her words hadn't quite proven true. His head still hurt with a slight pain and he still felt groggy and drained as if he had run a marathon. But wisely enough he'd kept this to himself, eager to get out of the infirmary and on his way.

After some while, he found Marin at a table, chatting with some friends.

"Hey," she said with an amiable smile when he placed his tray next to her on the table. "Feeling better?"

Julian smirked. "I have never felt better!"

"And... how did your conversation with Edwards go? Did he bite your head off?"

Julian sat down next to her. "Not… directly."

She pushed her tray away and watched him for a long second. "What did he want from you?" she probed cautiously, as if she knew that a meeting with Edwards could only bode ill.

Julian didn't face her when he sighed and shook his head. "He wants me to do my studies properly and stop meeting with Amos…" Even though he tried to sound nonchalant, he knew that he couldn't fool her.

"But…" she grimaced, knitting her brow. "Did he say why?"

"Does he really need a reason?" Julian shot back a little too sharply. But seeing the wounded look in her eyes, he ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "I'm sorry, Marin. I didn't mean to snap…"

"But it's not fair… you're doing everything that's required for his course. You've got excellent grades. I don't see why your work with Mr. Amos should bother him."

"You go ask him," Julian retorted bitterly, staring miserably at his tray. Somehow he'd lost his appetite already. He couldn't shake the feeling that this day was going to be even worse than yesterday. "He just likes being in control. You know him. I bet he's just enjoying exercising power over others. Show them how much control he has over them," Julian snorted under his breath.

Marin gave him a sad look. She knew how much his work with Amos meant to him. "And what are you going to do now?"

Julian stared sullenly ahead, watching the students carry their trays through the cafeteria to search for a free place. _What was he going to do about it?_ That was a question he'd successfully managed to push from his mind so far. "Do I have much choice?" he gave back, hoping that his voice wouldn't falter.

"Not really, I guess…" she grimaced.

After another few awkward moments of silence between them, Julian sighed. "By the way, have you seen Alan? He wasn't in our quarters this morning and I haven't seen him in Edwards' class either… Do you know where he is?"

"Oh, he was called away this morning. Shortly before lessons started he was called to the central office." Marin lifted her cup of tea to her lips and took a reluctant sip. "But I haven't seen him after that."

Julian took a deep breath, absently rubbing his forehead. "I think I'll go search for him. He still has my essay I wanted to hand in to Dr. Jennsen this afternoon…" He gave Marin a quick, apologetic look and stood, already about to retrieve his tray with his untouched lunch to bring it back to the recycler.

"Wait! I'll come with you!" she hurried to follow him, grabbing her own tray.

Fortunately – or unfortunately – they didn't have to search long for their missing friend. It was on their way back to the dormitory wing that a commotion on the grounds outside drew their attention. Not far away from the main entrance, a group of youths had gathered in a circle, agitatedly shouting at one another. Stunned and with a bad feeling, Julian watched the throng of students for a moment, idly wondering what was going on and why nobody was bothering to interfere. With a quick assessing look around, he beckoned Marin to follow him. Together they hurried down the few stairs of the main entrance and along the small way that led in a wide arc toward the dormitory wing.

When they came nearer, Julian noticed with stunned dismay the center of attention of the group.

Alan.

And another red-haired student, he thought he vaguely knew.

He felt his heart skip a beat. What on Earth was he doing there? Quickening his steps, Julian eventually broke into a run, heading for the group of struggling youths. Most of them seemed to belong to the first or second year students, but here and there he recognized faces from his other classes. When he skidded to a halt outside the circle, he got a short glimpse at Alan's furious face as he grabbed the other young man's shirt, digging his fingers painfully into the fabric of his blue uniform. Without another thought, Julian plowed through the crowd. He had to stop Alan before someone got seriously hurt.

"Alan!" he shouted over the struggle, trying to shove himself through the crowd of students. "Have you lost your mind? Stop it!"

Emerging on the other side, he managed to grab Alan's arm in time just as he was about to land a painful punch in the other young man's stomach. The red-haired young man was about as agitated as Alan. "Get out of my way!" he shouted in rage, trying to shove Julian aside to get through to Alan.

"What's up with you two? Stop it, I said!" Julian yelled over the din as he struggled to keep both of them apart and Alan in check. The crowd of onlookers wasn't really helping. Why was no one trying to stop them? Where was security when you needed them? He pushed Alan back, at the same time trying to hold the other young man at arm's length. "Stop it, I said!" he shouted again, grabbing for the red-haired student who was already trying to launch himself after Alan. Desperately struggling to bring both of them back to reason, he started to whirl around to Alan, shouting furiously: "Stop it right now! What's gotten..."

The next words never left his lips when his vision suddenly exploded into a hundred stars, a cracking pain thundering through his skull. It all happened so fast. The next thing he knew, the world turned upside down, the mass of shouting onlookers rotating in his view, and suddenly the air was forcefully knocked out of his lungs. Coughing convulsively for breath, he curled up and instinctively brought his hand up to his face. Dazed, he stared blankly at the sticky red that was covering his palm, his mind too much wrapped into layers of shock to find any clear thought.

"Julian!" He heard Marin's startled cry like through a thick haze. She dropped down to her knees beside him, bending over him. Slowly, reality started to trickle back to him and he squinted against the sharp pain and dizziness in his mind.

"Julian, I'm sorry!" Another voice. Alan.

Together they brought him up into a sitting position, the group of agitated onlookers dissipating quickly in all directions, now that the fight had all at once taken a serious turn and had claimed its first real victim. Marin's worried face came into view, than Alan's. The latter had gone as pale as chalk, staring wide-eyed at him as if he was shocked about what he had just done.

"Are you okay?" Rummaging in her bag, Marin pulled out her blue handkerchief which she pressed into his hand, commanding him to stench the blood flow from his broken nose. Still too shocked to think clearly, he simply obeyed. "We need to get you to the infirmary. Alan, help me!"

Julian grimaced. "I-I'm o-o-okay." The prospect of yet another visit to the infirmary was awful and certainly nothing he was looking forward to.

Ignoring his weak attempt to protest, Marin and Alan helped him up from the ground, steadying and bracing him as good as they could when they walked him back toward the main complex. Julian let himself be guided by his two friends until they once again entered the gray confines of the infirmary. The nurse raised one brow, but kept from commenting about seeing the same patient twice in so little time.

"What happened?"

Alan helped Julian to sit down on one of the biobeds.

"Nothing. Really," Julian brought forth, still pressing Marin's handkerchief against his bleeding nose. Slowly, the muffling effect of the initial shock faded, bringing the pain back full-force.

"Well it doesn't look like nothing," the nurse said with a dark frown, gently taking away the young man's trembling hand to get a proper look at the mess in his face. Julian was too drained to protest when she gingerly probed other parts of his face with her fingers to see how far the damage went. "Did you have a fight?"

Julian slowly shook his head. Even the slightest movement brought the stars back into his vision. "No... it... was an accident." If he told the truth, it would just make things worse. She'd have to report the incident to her superior who would then in turn inform the head of the Medical Faculty and that would be a lot worse than a broken nose. And besides, he was sure that Alan hadn't really aimed at him. At least he hoped so.

"We were just kidding and... I'm really sorry!" Alan sputtered out. He still was as white as chalk, his dark eyes wide with distress.

"Okay, we'll have that fixed within a minute. May I ask you two to wait outside?" The nurse urged them to leave her to do her job.

It didn't take long to fix the damage the blow had left in Julian's face. When she was done, she patted him gently on the back, reminding him to take better care of himself. She obviously couldn't help the jibe that she didn't want to see him a third time this day.

When he went outside, he found his two friends waiting next to the door.

"I'm sorry, Julian, I didn't want to..." Alan sputtered out, looking even more miserable than Julian after the accident. "But you were suddenly there and... God, I'm so sorry!"

"Never mind," Julian waived his hand dismissively, though his head was still spinning with a slight headache. "If your punch hadn't landed in my face it would have in Patrick's and that would have been a lot worse." Absently rubbing his nose, he knit his brows. "But what were you doing there anyway?"

It was the moment he glimpsed Alan's usually gentle eyes, that he knew that something must have happened. His face suddenly lost all expression. For a long moment he just stood there, obviously struggling with himself, until he finally shook his head and turned away from them. "Doesn't matter," was all he said in an all at once flat and emotionless voice, starting to walk down the corridor as if he all but fled from his friend's questioning gazes.

"It does. You were fighting out there," Marin pointed out with a frown, quickening her pace to keep up with him. "It's not like you to fight with other people. What's wrong, Alan? What happened?"

"Just leave it!" Alan retorted, this time more vehemently, still ignoring them as he walked briskly down the corridor.

"Alan..." Julian gently grasped his shoulder, trying to bring him to a halt. All of a sudden Alan stopped, batting his hand away. Julian watched his friend with a rising sense of alarm. He'd never seen Alan lose his temper like this.

"It's nothing of your concern!" Alan snapped, glaring at his friend in a way that made Julian wonder if he'd perhaps done something wrong without knowing it.

"Well, after it made you break my nose, I think it is," Julian attempted a joke but winced at the sudden flash of anger he saw in Alan's dark eyes.

"I don't want to talk about it. That's all!"

Marin regarded him anxiously, utterly unsure what to do. "But outside, that wasn't you, Alan. What did that other student say to you?"

"Doesn't matter..." was all that Alan said, already turning to make his way back to the main hall.

"Alan!" She softly touched his arm, once again holding him back. "Whatever it is, you can tell us. We're your friends. So what did Patrick say to you?"

Alan regarded her for a long moment. Then his mouth twisted ever so slightly. "You wouldn't understand, anyway," he finally gave back with a startling bitterness.

"What makes you so sure? Just try us!" Julian offered disarmingly, giving him his most reassuring smile. For a moment he feared that Alan would just turn away – but surprisingly he didn't. His shoulder slumped and he stared out the window and over the green grounds for a long time, until he finally drew a deep breath.

"He... called me a loser…" he brought forth between gritted teeth.

Julian arched one brow, not sure what to make of those words. "And so… you… decided to hit him?"

Alan shot him daggers. "See, I knew you wouldn't understand."

But when both of his friends kept silent, waiting for the real reason that had made Alan lose control so easily, he swallowed hard and turned away from them. For an awkward moment neither of them spoke, until Alan's head dropped defeated to his chest.

"It's my brother," he finally whispered under his breath, his voice almost lost in the silence that filled the corridor. "He's... finally slipped into a coma."

Julian was the first to slowly step round to catch a glimpse of his friend's face. "What do you mean by 'finally'…?"

Alan kept staring straight ahead. "It's called neuromuscular intersemie. It's a mental disease that slowly but surely destroys the patient's synapses and neural pathways... It's been seven years now that my brother was diagnosed with the syndrome..." Alan swallowed hard, and his voice almost broke when he shook his head. "It's almost always lethal. Up until now there's no cure for it. It's a long and painful disease... with no real hope of recovery."

Pressing his lips into a tight line, the young man's face drew into a grimace of pure anguish.

"That's the reason why I wanted to become a doctor. I've promised myself that I would find a cure. I just wanted him to be safe. I saw how painful it was for him. I just wanted him to be able to live a normal life again." Alan was near to tears now. "But it's too late for that now. He'll die... He's already slipped into a coma. He'll never wake up again. And what am I doing here? _Studying._" Alan's words were full of contempt, his hands clenched into fists. "I wasn't able to help him. It came too early. I'm still a student. I wasn't fast enough... And I promised him that I would find a way to cure him. I have failed him. It's all my fault."

He tried to blink away the tears that had come filling his eyes.

Marin gently touched his arm. "I'm... so sorry, Alan. I had no idea..." She looked as miserable and helpless as Alan. "I never knew you had a brother..."

Alan's shoulders trembled as he shook his head. "It's not exactly something you want others to know. Not if you know that sooner or later he might no longer be there…"

"Hey," Julian softly spoke, laying a reassuring arm around Alan's shoulders. "It's not too late. It still is only a coma. There still _is _time to save him. Even if there is no cure for it right now, there will be. They will put him into stasis, and once they've found a cure..."

Alan squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I wish you were right..."

Julian gently patted his shoulders, trying to comfort him as best he could. "I am, you'll see. Only four more years, Alan, and you'll be able to do whatever research you like. Four years is not a long time. He just needs to hold out until then. We're with you. You can count on us."

Alan swallowed hard, a single tear slowly rolling down his flushed cheek. "I'm sorry. I should never have bothered you with it. I should never have gotten you involved. It's none of your concern, anyway."

His gaze dropped yet again toward the ground, a flicker of shame and guilt in his shimmering eyes. He struggled to find his voice when he sadly shook his head.

"Most of the time, I try not to think about it, anyway. Most of the time, I manage to block it out. I pretend that everything is okay – even though I know that it's not. But it's the only way for you to go on. You desperately try to ignore the truth. And then you just see everybody else. Your teachers, your friends, all the other students. And you find yourself wondering why it's only you being punished. You find yourself wishing that it weren't you. You see all those other happy and carefree people. And you feel so miserable inside. And even though you know that it's impossible, you find yourself wondering what it would be like to lead the life of someone else… What it would be like to have a normal life... " He broke off, too overwhelmed by his emotions to bring out any further words.

And suddenly Marin took both of his hands into her own, gently urging him to look into her eyes. A sad but affectionate smile fell on her lips. "Alan, you're completely missing the point. That's what friends are for. Telling us was the best thing you could have done. Keeping it to yourself won't solve anything. It only wears you down." She hugged him softly, only reluctantly letting go of his miserable form. "Whatever happens, we're your friends. Let's face this together, okay?"

Alan awkwardly wiped the tears from his eyes, and finally nodded. "Thank you, Marin," he whispered under his breath, his dark eyes shimmering with gratitude. "And you, Julian."

For a long moment Julian just stood there next to them, watching the two of them wordlessly, until he finally offered a faint, crooked smile. Then he clapped Alan on the shoulder. "Never mind, Alan. You'd do the same for me." He smiled, gently squeezing Alan's arm. "We'll face this together. I promise."

With that, the three of them started to walk back toward the main hall.

* * *

That night, back in their common quarters, sleep was an elusive thing for Julian.

Tossing and rolling from one side to the other, he tried to will his exhausted body to sleep, though in vain. His mind was just too worked up, with too many thoughts tumbling through his head.

Squinting sideways, he saw Alan's sleeping figure on the other side of the room. They'd spent a long time silently in the dark, each of them pretending to be asleep, each of them probably knowing that the other one was not. But Alan had finally lost the battle. Some while ago, his breaths had become even and regular, slowly changing into a soft snoring that came drifting over every now and then.

Julian sighed and stared at the dark ceiling.

He tossed the bed cover aside, feeling the cool air on his skin. But it didn't help. He was awake for the night.

Thirty minutes later, he was standing in his tracksuit and with his racquet in his hand in the quiet and deserted racquetball court. He was the only player that night – and he was grateful for the chance to play to his full potential without having to fear that anyone would raise a suspicious brow at his slightly too swift and slightly too powerful moves.

Another one and a half hour later, he was sinking to the floor, panting heavily for breath. Sweat was running down his temples, his arm shaking from the strain with which he'd batted ball after ball. He'd played until there was no energy left. Until his heart was pounding so hard in his chest that he feared it might burst. Until his legs felt so wobbly that he wasn't sure they would support him any longer. Until every thought was completely driven out of his agitated mind. But still it didn't help.

Grabbing his racquet next to him, he flung it squarely across the court, numbly watching it hit the opposite wall with a loud metallic thud and dropping down with another startling clatter that echoed eerily back in the deserted racquetball court. He dropped forward onto his hands, and pounded the floor with his bare fist. Then again. And again. He didn't stop until his hand was numb with pain – and a single tear drop splashed onto the floor next to his fingers. Then another one.

For a long moment, he just stared at the wet stains on the floor with an odd detachment.

Until it all broke down upon him.

His forehead sank to the cool floor as he futilely tried to pull himself together, to lock his emotions back to where he'd kept such tight control over them during all those past years. But in vain. Hot tears of anger and shame were coursing down his burning cheeks, fueled by the deep, painful emptiness he felt inside.

Why did it hurt so much? In all these years, it had never hurt so much like today. Never in his whole life had he felt so alone like in this moment. Never had he felt so separated from everyone else. So abandoned and forsaken.

He curled up tightly on the floor, hugging his shaking body, trying in vain to stifle the miserable, helpless sobs that worked their way up his throat. But he just couldn't stop crying. Inside he hurt too much.

He didn't know how long he spent weeping on the floor, tears running down his cheeks until there were just no more left. But gradually the pain in his chest began to ease, the cold grip around his heart loosening until his thinking started to slowly clear again. Staring numbly at the gray floor, too emotionally drained to bother about someone coming into the room and finding him in his miserable form, he waited several more minutes until he felt strong enough to face reality again.

Climbing awkwardly back to his feet, he wiped at his tears, hesitantly moving over to retrieve the racquet where it still lay discarded on the floor. Holding it in shaky hands, he stared at it for a long moment. Then he clutched the racquet tightly to his chest and drew a deep breath - finally heading for the exit.


	6. 06 A growing shadow

**Chapter 06**

"A growing shadow"

,

"I think I have some news that might interest you!"

Marin sat briskly down next to them on the bench, dropping her bag before her on the ground.

Three heads all at once turned in her direction. One of which shot her a dark, murderous look. "Marin, where have you been? We were supposed to meet over an hour ago! Do you know how late it is?" Brigs raised one of his bushy eyebrows over the rim of the PADD in his hands.

"Doing research," was all the young woman retorted nonchalantly, ignoring the ill-boding look on Brigs' face as she turned her attention to the young man next to her. "Julian, I need to talk to you. I think I just found out something very interesting," she said enigmatically.

They were sitting together in the park outside Starfleet Medical. It was a nice and sunny day, with a cloudless blue sky that stretched far beyond the horizon. Around them, other students of Starfleet Medical were strolling around the place, chatting in groups as they sauntered through the vast green with its various flowerbeds that was surrounding the entire building like a peaceful area of relaxation.

When her gaze fell on the PADD in Julian's hands, she frowned. "Who's that?" Marin asked, slightly distracted, studying the profile of the red-haired woman on the display. According to her blue uniform, she had to be either a science officer or a doctor.

"The new head of Starfleet Medical. Her name's Dr. Beverly Crusher. She'd been assigned to the Enterprise until recently and has just taken over as head of our faculty," Brigs leaned eagerly over, tapping the PADD with his finger to make the picture larger.

And noticing the young woman's puzzled look, a broad, triumphant grin crept across his stubbly face. "Don't tell me you didn't know." He sounded as if he was enjoying the rare occasion of having caught her off guard.

Marin rolled her eyes and shook her head – but not before she had another long and curious look at the picture of their new head of faculty. Then she all at once became serious. "Brigs, could you do me a favor and leave us alone for a moment? I need to talk to Julian in private."

Julian gave her a questioning look while Brigs raised another brow. "We were supposed to work on our essay for Intercultural Communication, you know? And besides, what about Alan?"

Alan casually pushed his glasses back up his nose. "I don't count."

"Very funny," Brigs muttered but was interrupted by Marin's this time more serious voice. "Brigs, please."

The burly young man gave her a dubious look, looking in turn at his three friends, but finally he stood with an unnerved sigh. "Okay, okay. I see that I'm outnumbered," he commented sullenly before he packed his things and left the three to themselves.

As soon as she had made sure that Brigs was out of earshot, Marin leaned closer.

"I did some research and guess what I've found out!" she announced excitedly. When both her friends kept silent, she couldn't help a crooked smile. "Did you know that Edwards and Amos happen to share the same field of research? I found it out when I checked the database. There even was an article from last autumn about Edwards attending a medical conference at Dinarius Prime and the work he presented there." She raised one brow.

Julian gave her a stunned look, her words obviously having the expected effect on him. "I didn't know that Edwards is doing research beside his lectures…"

She offered a thin, knowing smile. "They're both experts in cellular neuroscience. And have been for quite some years actually. Did you know that they're working on quite similar research projects? They're both experts in their own way. Edwards is an acknowledged first-rate scientist and has been working for Starfleet Medical for years. And after Starfleet Medical has offered Amos a post at our faculty to support him with his work, I figure that in their eyes Amos must be no less. Judging from their biography, I bet they must have known of each other even before Amos came to Starfleet Medical. In other words: I wouldn't be surprised if they were actually rivals..."

Alan shot her a stupefied look – and Julian stared at her with an expression that made her involuntarily wonder if it had been such a good idea to tell him about her recent find.

"Wait," Alan suddenly said with a dark frown. "If they're really in the same field of research as you say…"

"…they probably share the same research budget as well," Julian concluded glumly next to him.

"Exactly! That's just what I thought," Marin nodded. "It's no wonder that Edwards doesn't want you to help Amos. He probably knows how good a team you are. And I bet he doesn't like seeing Amos getting along so well with his own research while at the same time he's struggling for the attention for his own work."

Julian shook his head. "So… you mean that all the fuss about my assisting Amos and Edwards' order to stop meeting with him… had never really been about me in the first place?"

Marin grimaced, feeling a pang of guilt. She wasn't sure if it was a flicker of anger or relief she saw on her friend's face. "I'm not sure…" she admitted, "but after all I know it could very well be that you're just happening to stand between them."

Julian stared absently ahead, obviously mulling her words over. When she followed his gaze, she saw some children playing in the distance. Probably brought here by their parents because of an appointment with the pediatric specialists at Starfleet Medical. It was what she like most about this place. It was not only a place to study and to educated new medical personnel but also a place to actually help people. They often met civilians who came here to seek the advice from specialists at the Academy. With an affectionate smile she watched the children play, wondering what Boothby would say if he saw the boys plucking at his precious Andorian lilies.

The sudden sigh next to her drew her all at once back from her reverie. Julian was rubbing his face, finally gathering his things to draw himself up.

"Where are you going?" she asked in surprise.

The young man didn't really look at her when he dismissively waived his hand. She somehow couldn't shake the feeling that she had said something she rather shouldn't have – even though she didn't know what had gotten into him so suddenly. "I just need to see Dr. Thomas. It's really gotten late and there's something I wanted to discuss with him. I'll… see you later." And with a short, apologetic smile, he packed his things and headed for the main hall, leaving his two friends staring at his back in stunned silence.

Marin shot a worried look at Alan. "What's wrong with him?"

The young man on the bench kept staring after Julian until he vanished around the corner and out of sight. With a heavy and resigned sigh he suddenly leaned back, running a hand through his hair. Then he grimaced. "Marin, you know what you just did, don't you?"

She looked at him, perplexed. "What are you talking about?"

Alan regarded her for a long moment but then he offered a humorless, wry smile. "You just gave him the best excuse to go running to see Mr. Amos – and get himself into the biggest trouble…"

Marin frowned. "But… why should he do that? We were just talking. And he hasn't met with Amos for more than two weeks now. He knows what will happen if he disregards Edwards' order."

Alan bit his bottom lip but finally shook his head with a mixture of sadness and resignation. "I wish you were right. But the truth is, he's not taking it well, Marin," he said in a low voice, hesitant as if he was telling a secret he knew he shouldn't be. "He's been spending so much time in the sports gym with his racquetball recently. I know he's done much sports before but ever since the thing with Edwards happened… Do you know how many calls I get from his mother because he isn't answering any messages from home?" Alan ran a hand over his face, eventually clasping both hands and propping himself with his elbows on his knees. "I wish I knew what was going on with him. But he's not talking about it. I've tried to talk to him. But he's insisting that he's okay and that everything's alright. But it's obvious that Edwards' order was a hard blow for him."

Marin stared at him with dismay. "Why haven't you said anything, Alan?"

The young man sighed miserably. "I don't know. I was hoping that he'd get over it – some time sooner or later."

Only another second later, Marin had gathered her things and stood. "We have to get after him – and stop him from doing something stupid!" she declared determinedly as she urged Alan to hurry.

* * *

"…and it's quite promising. I'm impressed. Keep up the good work, cadet."

Julian felt himself blush in spite of himself, quickly thanking Dr. Thomas as he took the PADD from the older man in his white lab tunic and stuffed it back into his bag, turning to leave the office.

_Quite promising._

He sighed. He knew he should feel proud of himself, of the things he'd achieved so far. But somehow the feeling just wouldn't come. Perhaps he'd just grown used to the constant praise from others. From his teachers, as well as his friends. He knew he should feel content with his work and how well things were going in his daily classes. He was still best in class – and probably would be for the rest of his days at Starfleet Medical. He still had excellent grades. And if everything went on like this he'd have a promising career in Starfleet as well.

So why did he still feel so miserable inside? Why was the brief moment of joy whenever someone showed him respect for his work was almost immediately drowned by a gloomy despair that made him feel even more miserable than before?

Hugging his bag closer to him, he idly wondered what Amos must be doing right now. He hadn't seen him for two whole weeks – and surely Amos must have started to worry by now what was keeping his student from coming to their regular meetings. Edwards and Amos doing the same research project. Somehow it didn't even come as such a big surprise. The only question that remained was: What was he going to do now? Should he confront Edwards with what he'd learned from Marin? Should he go speak about it with Amos? If it just weren't that difficult. He didn't even know what he wanted himself anymore…

With a heavy sigh, he closed his eyes for only a short second – and almost bumped into the person that had suddenly appeared right in front of him.

"Alan?" he gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"Wow, Julian!" Alan exclaimed with a startled look on his face. "I-I was just, I mean, we were just…" he stuttered as if being caught in the act.

"…looking for you," the young woman next to him came to his help, offering a somewhat guilty smile.

Dumfounded, Julian regarded his two friends for a moment. Until it suddenly began to dawn on him.

"Wait," he slowly frowned. "I know you two. You wouldn't be following me around unless you were afraid that I would go and see Mr. Amos, would you?"

When Marin all at once blushed in spite of herself, he knew that he'd hit the mark. She exchanged a quick and embarrassed glance with Alan. "Actually… yes," she admitted sheepishly. The next moment, she shook her head vigorously. "I mean, you left so quickly. And after all I told you earlier… I was just afraid that you'd do something that would bring you into serious trouble..."

For a moment, he regarded them in disbelief. But then he couldn't help a smile. They would probably never change. They _were_ his best friends after all.

"You know, I might be mad at Edwards and I might not be sharing his point of view – but I'm not stupid," he said with a raised eyebrow.

"I know," Alan crossed his arms casually over his chest, pushing his glasses back up his nose. "We just wanted… to be sure."

Julian patted him on the shoulder. "Okay, now that you've made sure I haven't lost my mind and that I'm not bringing myself into any kind of trouble, would you care for some coffee? I could really use some right now." And with that he steered them toward the cafeteria.

Lining up for the replicator, they soon were back to their homework for Intercultural Communications, when a sudden voice next to them all at once interrupted their little conversation.

"Julian!"

Startled, he turned – just to see the person making his way over to them he'd least of all expected to see. Here of all places.

"Mr. Amos," he said in genuine surprise, at the same time feeling his heart skip a beat.

The other man quickened his pace until he came to a halt in front of the three of them. "Marin, Alan," he nodded with a broad smile. Then his dark eyes fixed on Julian. "I was searching for you," he said, rummaging in his bag as if he was searching for something. "I haven't seen you in a while and I just wanted to see if everything is alright?"

Julian felt his heart leap into his mouth. For a second, he wasn't sure what to respond. He hadn't told Amos about what had happened with Edwards, nor had he told him that Edwards didn't approve of their spending so much time together. He'd wanted to. But somehow he just hadn't been able to bring himself to broach the subject with Amos. Feeling the gazes of his friends in his back, he forced himself to don a neutral expression.

"I… was a bit busy with my studies, that's all," he awkwardly lied, hoping that Amos would leave it with that and wouldn't press further. "I hope I didn't cause you any trouble."

Amos regarded him with a worried frown, as if he was sensing that Julian was holding something back, but then he nodded with the same good-natured smile as always, making Julian feel all the more miserable. "Oh, I see. I already figured as much. Of course you're studies are of top priority. I wouldn't want you to get into trouble on my account," Amos quickly waved his hand dismissively, making Julian winced at the choice of words. "I just thought that you might want to have a look at the new test results." Then a conspiratorial smile crept upon the older man's features. "I already figured that you'd be busy with your exam preparation by now. But in case you find a free minute, I copied the recent results for you."

Then he produced a simple PADD and handed it to Julian. "I'd be glad for your opinion on the subject." And with another smile at Alan and Marin, he grimaced apologetically. "I guess I'd better be going. There's a conference with our new head of faculty I wouldn't want to miss. So, I guess I'll see you some time later?" he asked hopefully before he bade them farewell and hurried off toward the central reception. Julian watched him leave with a sinking heart, part of him considering running after him, the other part of him well aware that he would make everything only worse if he did. With an inward sigh of resignation and a heavy heart, he turned back to the replicator.

"You haven't told him yet, have you?" he heard Marin behind him.

Julian didn't respond, trying to ignore the stab of guilt. He avoided Marin's searching gaze when he addressed the replicator to order some coffee. "No," he finally admitted in a voice he hoped sounded more resolute than it felt.

"But why not?"

He sighed, gingerly retrieving the steaming cup of coffee from the replicator niche. "Because it would have been over then. If I told Amos that I've been ordered to stop my study sessions with him than not even he would be able to do anything against it," he said with a seriousness that surprised himself.

He waited for Alan and Marin to place their order before they went back through the main hall toward the botanic garden – one of their favorite places whenever they had any free time to share. It was a place away from the bustle of the main hall, a place where you could find some privacy in the chaos that was your daily life at Starfleet Medical.

"Julian," Marin finally said as they entered the garden and found a free bench under a flowering tree of magnolia. "You can't go on like that." She gave him a sad look. "You have to tell him. I mean, you're keeping your hopes up even though you know that it won't work. The longer you wait, the harder it gets."

He sighed, rubbing his face in irritation. "I know. And I wish it were that easy." If she could only understand how much his work with Amos meant to him. If she only knew at least half of the truth.

He gloomily stared ahead, idly watching the passers-by who were sauntering through the garden around them. An older couple was walking arm in arm in the distance, completely engrossed in their conversation. Next to them a young cadet, reading some books on the bench opposite them. Then his eyes strayed over to the flowerbeds. And for a moment he frowned.

A boy was playing all by himself, happily absorbed in digging with his fingers in the flowerbed to drop small lumps of earth on the cobblestone path that was running like a pulsing vein through the garden. He couldn't be more than four or five. But something about the boy was oddly familiar. Absently scanning the garden, he wondered where his mother was.

"Julian, did you hear what I said?"

He snapped back from his thoughts and turned to Marin. She was watching him with a mixture of sorrow and dismay, pointing at the PADD he was still carrying in his hands. The PADD Amos had given him. His eyes dropped to the display and he caught himself wondering what the latest results might look like.

"I'm not sure if Edwards would actually be thrilled if he found out that you're still meeting with Amos."

Julian grimaced, looking up. "I didn't _meet _with him, Marin. He just gave me his latest test results. You were there. And Edwards didn't say anything about not _speaking_ to Amos anymore," he defended himself, placing the PADD on top of his bag and out of her view. When he turned, his gaze fell again on the young boy in the garden.

He was still kneeling on the cobblestone path, playing peacefully with some sort of toy space shuttle. His mother was still nowhere in sight. He was laughing and giggling, completely lost in his own world. And if Julian hadn't paid closer attention just in that moment, he would have missed the sudden, almost imperceptible swaying when the boy scrambled to his feet to let his space shuttle soar through the air.

Suddenly it hit him where he'd seen the boy before. It was the same boy from the park outside Starfleet Medical earlier that day. He'd been with his brother and his mother and they'd been walking toward the pediatric wing at that time…

"I'm not sure if Edwards would see it the same way," Marin said with a dark frown next to him. "You could get into serious trouble."

He barely heard her words, his eyes still fixed on the young boy who was staggering to a halt. He had stopped letting the shuttle fly through the air and was now standing motionless in the middle of the cobblestone path.

Something was not right.

Even while Marin launched into another sermon about following orders and staying out of trouble, he slowly drew himself up. Squinting, he started to walk over to where the boy was still standing perfectly still.

"Julian?"

And all of a sudden and without warning the boy simply collapsed. It all happened like in slow motion. His legs just folded beneath his body, and the boy plummeted down to the ground like if someone had cut the strings of a puppet. An older woman who had just come walking by in that instant bent down to the boy with an amiable smile to help him up from the ground – and all at once her fearful and panicked screaming thundered through the peaceful quiet of the garden.

Even while other passers-by startled and turned in their direction to see what all the sudden commotion was about, something in Julian made him leap into action before he was even aware of it, making him sprint over to where the older woman was still staring aghast at the boy on the ground. She all at once jerked back, dropping her handbag as she called frantically for someone to help, pointing at the boy with a face that was distorted into a terrified grimace.

Only a few seconds later, Julian saw what the older woman was still staring at in horror. And the unexpected and ghastly sight made his stomach turn.

The boy was lying face-down against the cobblestone path, his face as white as chalk. Blood was running from his nostrils and the corner of his mouth, and he could hear the boy struggle for breath with a sickening sound like if he was trying to breathe through water.

"Oh my god…" he heard Marin's gasp as she skidded to a halt next to him, anxiously digging her fingers into his arm.

He acted without thinking.

Dropping to his knees, he turned the boy over, quickly hosting him up and bracing his upper body so that his head was dangling free over his arm and his face was facing the ground. At the same time he yelled at Marin to call an emergency team, still holding the young boy firmly in his arms. The child was coughing erratically for breath, spilling blood over Julian's arm and onto the ground. Pushing his own emotions back behind a mask of professionalism, he tried to sort through the chaos of information that came flooding his mind. Only faintly did Julian register that more and more people had gathered around them, shocked by the sudden horror that was unfolding before their very eyes. His full attention was on the boy in his arms. _A pulmonary embolism. Coupled with an allergic reaction_, his mind screamed at him, shocking him into action. It only left him minutes.

"Alan, I need a medkit. Now!"

And noticing the thunderstruck look on his friend's face who stood still rooted to the spot with his wide and unbelieving eyes fixed on the dying boy, he shouted: "Alan! Get moving!"

When he turned the boy in his arms to check for his irregular pulse, he felt a wave of nausea. There was so much blood. And he just knew that he was losing him. He just knew it. His mind raced.

A second later, Alan was at his side. Julian grabbed the medkit from his friend's hands, utterly unaware of the look of horror on the other young man's face when he flicked the kit open with his free hand, still holding the convulsing, wriggling boy with his left.

The hypo almost slipped from his unsteady fingers when he jerked it out of its hold in the medkit.

"Julian… we should wait for the emergency team," he heard Alan's shaky voice next to him. Time seemed to stretch out into an impossible slowness, his surroundings blurring around him.

"We don't have time!" _They had already run out of it. They boy was going to die._

The child still squirmed helplessly in his arms, coughing ever more blood. Hastily tapping the sequence into the small display, Julian immediately pressed the hypo against the suffocating boy's neck. The next second, the struggling eased but he could still hear the blood sickeningly wet in his lungs. He needed to get the boy to the infirmary. He didn't have the necessary equipment here. He flung the empty hypo carelessly on the floor and lifted the boy up in his arms, cradling his convulsing body against his so that the child's head came to rest on Julian's shoulder. Where was the medical emergency team? What was taking them so long?

He ran toward the exit, completely ignoring the throng of onlookers around them as he plowed through them, blindly stumbling out into the corridor, trying to keep his balance as he ran with the boy in his arms. He needed to get the boy to the next infirmary. He needed to find the medical emergency team. He needed to stop the internal bleeding. He needed…

And all at once, hasty footsteps drew him from his chaotic thoughts when he saw Marin running toward him with the emergency team in her wake. A look of utter bewilderment crossed her face when she saw him carrying the dying young boy in his arms.

Then a medic arrived next to him, almost immediately flicking open his tricorder to run a scan on the child.

"It's an allergic reaction. I gave him 100cc isopormin to stabilize his condition," Julian blurted, even before the medic had any chance to ask what had happened. The man immediately slapped his combadge. "Emergency transport to infirmary A3."

The next thing he knew, they had already materialized in familiar surroundings, a doctor he vaguely knew gesturing for him to lay the boy down on the next free biobed. He did as he was told, placing the shaking young boy down so that the doctor and his nurse could take over. Almost immediately, the room was filled with urgent shouting and busy bustle when the doctor ordered his team to get the boy ready for surgery.

For a dreadful long moment Julian just kept standing there, watching them tending to the boy, his body and mind numb with shock, until he felt a soft touch on his arm. He started.

"Are you okay?"

When he turned, he was looking into the smiling yet worried face of a middle-aged nurse. She was offering him a towel and gently urging him to sit down on one of the free chairs. Only now he realized that he must be a terrible sight, with the boy's blood all over him. He took the towel and tried to force out an awkward smile in return. But it wouldn't come.

"Thank you," he whispered under his breath, his heart still pounding hard in his chest. With an odd detachment he noticed that his hands were shaking. He slowly folded and flexed them, taking a deep breath and trying to get his mind working again. When he looked over to where the boy had been lying only moments before, he was no longer there. They must have already brought him into surgery…

Another minute later, he heard a familiar voice. "Julian!?"

Marin was coming storming through the doors of the infirmary, a perplexed Alan in her wake.

"Oh my god, Julian," she exclaimed at the look of his blood-covered uniform. When she saw his wavering form, she immediately came over and drew him into a gentle embrace. "Are you okay? What happened to the boy? Is he alright?"

Julian nodded. "He's in surgery right now." Even his voice was shaking, he noticed with dismay.

She held him for a long moment, and Julian gratefully returned the embrace. It all seemed so unreal. Everything had happened so fast. So ludicrously fast. Resting his head for a short, comforting moment against her shoulder, he closed his eyes and took another deep breath before he slowly let go of her again, awkwardly wiping his hands against his trousers.

"We found his mother," Alan said as he dropped the bag he was carrying down next to the wall. "She was sick with worry. Dr. Jennsen is taking care of her right now…"

Julian just nodded, too exhausted to reply much. He didn't even offer any protest when Alan gestured for him and Marin to sit down on a row of chairs at one side of the room. He didn't know how long they had been sitting there silently side by side, waiting for the doctor or any of his nurses to come out of the surgery room to tell them how the boy was, when Julian suddenly heard someone call his name.

"Cadet Bashir?"

He glanced up, reflexively turning in the direction the sudden voice had come from. A red-haired woman in Starfleet uniform was coming over to them, followed by another middle-aged man he didn't know – and Edwards. Too absorbed in his own thoughts, he hadn't noticed them enter. And a second later, he realized where he knew the woman from. It was the same person like on the picture Brigs had shown them earlier this day. Their new head of faculty.

"My name is Dr. Beverly Crusher," she said with a worried glance at the red stains on his uniform. His first thought was that she didn't actually look like a headmaster. She had a warm and gentle feeling about her, and when she looked him up and down it was more like a mother worrying for her son than a head of faculty inspecting one of her students. "Dr. Jennsen has already informed me about what happened. After all she's told me you were the one who tended first to the boy and called the emergency team?"

Julian nodded, unsure what to respond.

"After all we know, it was an allergic reaction. The boy's been recently treated for a rare form of cystic fibrosis. They've found traces of the dust of Andorian lilies in his blood system. It was the dust that caused the allergic reaction and the subsequent pulmonary embolism. It was very close but we think that there's a good chance that he'll make a full recovery." She paused for a short moment, looking him straight into the eye. "Thanks to your quick action."

"The isopormin you gave him saved his life," she said in a way that made him involuntarily brace for the _but_.

But the only _but_ was that it didn't come.

"Correct me if I'm wrong but as far as I'm informed, you're a third-year student here at Starfleet Medical. As far as Mr. Edwards told me, you've not even begun with the practical part of your study." She cast him a genuinely puzzled look. "So… how did you know?"

For a second, Julian froze. And suddenly he felt all eyes in the room turn to him. _How did he know?_ He swallowed.

Because he'd seen the boy with his mother earlier on that day where he was playing near a flowerbed of Andorian lilies with his brother? Because he knew of the possibility of allergic reactions the dust of Andorian lilies could cause with allergy-prone patients? Because he'd known that the only reason for mother and son to be here at the Academy grounds could have been that the boy was undergoing some treatment or other at Starfleet Medical? Because he'd watched the boy play in the botanic garden and had noticed the unbalance of his actions, his slightly too wide pupils and his too pale skin at that time? Because he'd noticed the boy's irregular breaths while he had been playing? Because he'd known the instant he'd held him in his arms that it must be an allergic reaction and that it was almost identical to a case he'd read about somewhere before? He swallowed hard, his mind frantically searching for an answer. _How did he know?_

"I'd say intuition," he heard himself say. "And I've read about it somewhere before." He knew that it didn't sound very convincing.

Dr. Crusher arched one brow. "You've _read_ about it?" she asked in disbelief. But after another moment, the stern look on her face softened, until she watched him with a look of genuine gratitude. "Even a fully trained medical person would have had a hard time to take the right countermeasures. I'd say the boy and his family were more than lucky that you were in the right place at the right time. Your teachers have already told me that you're a remarkable student. Now I see that they were right." She nodded, a smile on her face. "Well done, cadet."

"I need to have another word with Dr. Jennsen and the boy's mother. I think you've done more than enough here. Get some rest, you've deserved it. We'll keep you informed about the boy's condition and let you know when there's any news," she gently squeezed the young man's arm, then nodded to the nurse that they were ready to go in to see the boy now.

Julian watched them leave with a strange mixture of pride and exhaustion. His stomach was still roiling with nausea and now that the supporting effect of the surge of adrenaline was more and more subsiding, his legs suddenly felt so unsteady that the only thing he wanted to was get out of the infirmary and back to his quarters as fast as possible.

"Looks like you've just saved your first patient's life," Alan commented as he lay a comforting arm around Julian's shoulder, ready to walk him back their quarters.

* * *

The first thing he did upon coming back to his quarters was climb out of his blood-soaked uniform and under the shower. He still felt light-headed when he thought back to what had just happened in the botanic garden. His first patient. Feeling the hot water running down his skin, he idly wondered if he'd ever grow used to the feeling of dread and sickness that came with trying to save somebody's life. Back in the botanic garden, when the young boy had so suddenly collapsed, professionalism had all but taken over – but as soon as the adrenaline had started to subside, he'd felt so uncertain and scared that he'd found himself wishing he'd never taken action in the first place. There was just so much that could have gone wrong. What if he hadn't been able to help the boy? What if he'd made a mistake by choosing the isopormin to counteract the allergic shock?

Closing his eyes, he inhaled long and deeply, trying to get his chaotic thoughts under control.

It was only when he came back to the living-area and dropped heavily into his bed that he started to relax just a little – until Alan's words once and for all dashed his last hope to get some rest and quiet.

"Mr. Edwards just called," his roommate announced in a solemn voice, obviously hesitant to broach the subject. "He wants to see you."

Julian grimaced. "Now?"

His friend looked embarrassed. "He wasn't entirely clear on the reason. He just said that it's important. He wanted me to tell you to meet him in thirty minutes in his office."

With a groan, Julian buried his face under the pillow, for a brief moment wondering what would happen if he just ignored Edwards' order. But then he pulled himself together, laboriously dragging himself up again.

When he made his way for Mr. Edwards' office, he wondered why he wanted to see him so suddenly. Without doubt it had to do with what had just happened. At the door to Edwards' office, he lingered for a short moment at the threshold but then squared his shoulders and entered.

When he'd expected Edwards to spill any words about the incident in the infirmary, he'd been wrong, though. No sooner had he entered the office than Edwards glance up sharply from his work. He slowly drew himself up and came round from behind his desk, suddenly banging a PADD down on the table with a force that made Julian flinch.

Within an instant, he knew that he was in trouble.

"Cadet, I was wondering if you could explain to me what this here is," he said, shoving the PADD brusquely in Julian's direction. The expression on his face couldn't have been more threatening.

At first, Julian just stared at the PADD, his mind frantically trying to understand what Edwards was talking about but then the pieces slowly started to fall together. He felt his heart stop dead in his chest. It was the PADD with Amos' latest test results. And it was now lying perfectly visible for everyone on Edwards' desk. How on earth had it gotten there?

"I thought I've made myself clear that I don't want you to meet with Mr. Amos anymore," Edwards said in a controlled voice that was even worse than if he had outright shouted at Julian.

"I wasn't meeting with Mr. Amos," Julian heard himself defend himself even before he was aware of it. "He gave it to me this afternoon. We just happened to see each other in the cafeteria, that's all."

For the fraction of a second, there was a flicker of uncertainty on his teacher's face but it vanished so quickly that he wasn't sure if he hadn't just imagined it afterward. Edwards fixed him with a stare that made Julian wish the earth would open up and swallow him.

"Don't you dare make a fool out of me," Edwards thundered, moving closer.

In spite of himself, Julian felt the blood rush to his face. "I swear, I didn't go to see him. We were just talking." First the thing in the botanic garden. Now this. He felt like he wanted to cry.

"I gave you an order. Have you any idea how close you are to getting written up for insubordination?"

Julian felt sick. It was worse than a slap in the face_. Insubordination_. He hadn't done anything wrong!

"I don't want you to meet with Mr. Amos, nor do I want you to talk to him or have contact with him in any way. Am I understood?"

He stared at Edwards, unable to bring anything forth. He didn't even have the strength to protest anymore. He was past the verge of fatigue – and Edwards probably knew it. So he just nodded, his stomach all knots, silently enduring the thunderstorm that was sweeping over him.

"I'm sorry, sir," he whispered miserably.

"Because of the incident this afternoon and what you did for that boy I will not pursue this matter further. But if I should ever find out that you're ignoring my order again, you'll regret it. Rest assured of it."

He only nodded, desperately wishing for it to be over. And luckily enough, Edwards just went over to the side of the room, picking up the bag that was leaning against the wall there. "You forgot this in the infirmary," he said in a neutral tone when he gave the bag back to his student.

Julian didn't meet his gaze when he wordlessly took the bag – and started for the exit.


	7. 07 The Changing Face of Evil

**So, here it finally is! The chapter that everyone who's read my other stories so far is probably impatiently waiting for XD**

* * *

**Chapter 07**

"The Changing Face of Evil"

,

The next days passed rather uneventfully.

After the disaster with Edwards on that day with the young boy in the botanic garden, Julian wasn't left with much alternative but to grudgingly comply with his teacher's order and sever whatever tiny link there had remained with Amos. He didn't even have the chance to explain the situation to him. Edwards had made it more than clear that if he found out that Julian was even so much as thinking of his work with Amos he would as good as end his career in Starfleet Medical.

No matter how he thought about it, it was simply madness. He didn't even know what Edwards' problem – beside his obvious dislike for Amos – was. And he hated him for his presumptuous arrogance and the way he always managed to make Julian's life miserable. But the worst thing about it all was that there was nothing he could do about it. There wasn't even a way to reason with Edwards once he'd made up his mind about something. He'd tried to more than once during the last three years – and every one of that times had ended in a more or less complete disaster. Frustrated, angry yet powerless, there was nothing left for him to do but to finally and with a heavy heart let go of what meant so much to him.

In the following days, he spent many an evening with Marin and Alan in the library. Midterm exams were waiting in only a few months, the prospect of which obviously seemed to dampen the mood of every third year student around. Even Marin had started to skip her ballet lessons in order to catch up with all their homework after lessons were over in the afternoon. Together they sat stooped over various PADDs, flicking through the contents of previous tests, trying to get as much information into their already crammed heads as possible. That is, at least Alan and Marin were. Sometimes Julian would stare at the same page, trying to pretend that he was as submersed in learning as everyone else even though he'd memorized every letter of the PADD hours ago. But it was tiresome. And boring. And utterly frustrating. He didn't need hours to go through the content of one PADD. And he didn't need to review it again and again to make sure it stayed in his memory. He didn't need to spend hours in the library with learning. And he didn't need to talk to others about the impending exams to dispel his worries and encourage one another. But he did it all the same. And he hated himself for it.

It was on a rainy Wednesday afternoon that he was sitting next to his two friends in a very similar fashion. They had spread their data PADDs across a table in the middle of the self-study area, trying to use the afternoon off in a meaningful way. And it was on that gloomy afternoon that Julian finally set his PADD aside, rubbed his eyes and let out a silent sight of resignation. Next to him, Marin was immersed in her own study, too busy to notice that he had shoved his PADD aside and was now glaring darkly at the mass of silent and concentrated students around them. It was ridiculous. Why was he wasting his time here when there was so much more he could do? Why couldn't he work at his own pace? Why was no one seeing what he could really do?

The more he brooded over it, the more he felt his mood hit rock bottom.

He propped his elbows on the table and covered his face with his hands, trying to sort through the chaos of feelings in his head. He didn't understand himself. He felt so angry with the situation. And with Edwards. And at the same time with himself. Starfleet Medical had been everything he'd ever wanted. He'd been so proud when he was admitted three years ago. And the last three years had been the best of his life. So why did he feel so unsatisfied and depressed now?

Releasing a long breath, he slowly opened his eyes again.

Because it had all been a lie... Because all the time he had been living a lie... pretending that everything was okay, trying to be someone he wasn't. It had worked well as long as he had been able to fool himself. But when Amos came to the Academy, it was like he'd spread his wings for the first time in his life. Amos had allowed him to be who he really was. He'd encouraged him to come out of his hiding and show what he could actually do. All the time he had kept his talents hidden, trying to deny the possibilities that lay ahead of him. Being with Amos, helping him with his work, had been like a completely new experience. With Amos he didn't need to pretend to be someone he wasn't. He didn't need to hide behind false pretense. After all the time, it was like he had finally found his place. A place where he belonged. A place where he was accepted as the person he was.

It was hard to give up that freedom. Just to return to the way it was before.

His chin propped in his hands, he idly listened to the quiet bustle around him for several more minutes before he slowly began to gather up his things, and stood. Next to him, Alan glanced up from his studies, but Julian turned away quickly enough to avoid his questioning gaze. Without another word, he headed for the exit.

The sudden echo of footsteps in the corridor behind him made him involuntarily stop. Turning, he saw Marin hurrying after him.

"Julian! Wait, where are you going?" Her dark hair was flowing lightly over her slender shoulders when she arrived grimacing next to him. She regarded him for an awkwardly long moment. "I... just wanted to see if... everything's okay with you."

Julian shook his head, dismissing her worry. "Why? I've never felt better," he replied with a bit too much sarcasm.

Her face grew concerned. "I know how you must feel..."

_Really?_ he thought with a sudden bitterness that surprised even himself. But then he shook his head.

"I'm sorry… it's just not my day today, I guess."

She regarded him for another long minute, as if she was sensing that he was hiding something, but then, slowly, a warm smile spread across her features.

"By the way, I meant to tell you afterward but I guess now is as good a time as any. Have you heard of our sports event next week?" Marin said with a twinkle in her eyes.

Julian frowned, slightly stunned about the sudden change in topics. "Yeah, but...?"

Marin flashed an enigmatic smile. "Well, there's someone in my ballet lessons I'd like you to meet! It's next Saturday. Just promise me you'll come, will you? I've already asked Alan. He said he'll be there as well." She added as if to reassure him that he wouldn't make a complete fool of himself by going to one of Marin's ballet lessons. Which made him wonder how she had managed to manipulate Alan into willing agreeing to come...

Julian grimaced. "It's a public event, isn't it? I mean... Alan and I... we won't be the only... you know what I mean...?"

The young woman patted him reassuringly on the shoulder. "Don't worry. It's a public event and free for everyone to come."

He let out a short sight of relief. "Okay, then I guess I'll be there."

"Very good!" she beamed at him, making him wonder what she was really up to...

Before he had any chance to voice his concern though, she held up the PADD she was carrying. "If you're going back to your quarters, could you do me a favor? I need to hand in this essay to Dr. Thomas. Could you drop it in for me on your way back?"

Julian took the PADD from her and offered another smile he hoped didn't look as awkward as it felt from within. "Okay, no problem. See you later then."

"Thanks!" And with that, Marin bid him goodbye to hurry back to her studies.

Julian stared after her for another long minute before he started to make his way back to the main hall and the office of Dr. Thomas. After a short while he turned into the familiar grey corridor that was leading to the office complex. When he entered Dr. Thomas' office and the older man looked up from his work, Julian didn't fail to notice the strange shadow that quickly passed the doctor's face.

"Oh, Julian…" he said hesitantly, giving him more and more the bad feeling that something was not right. Julian quickly handed Marin's PADD over but when Dr. Thomas just nodded and didn't offer any further remark, he excused himself and headed for the door. It was in that moment that the older man suddenly cleared his throat.

"Julian…" he began, obviously unsure how to choose the right words. "It's about your application for the special training next term." Slowly coming round his desk, Dr. Thomas pressed his lips into a thin line.

"Has it been approved?" Julian found himself asking even before he could stop himself. The special program for graduate students next term. After the incident with the young boy in the botanic garden and Julian's quick action then, Dr. Thomas and Dr. Jennsen had encouraged him to apply for the special training for graduate students with extraordinary achievements during their study at Starfleet Medical. Even though the program was designed for older students with more practical experience, his teachers had been so impressed with what he had done on that day that they had recommended him for the program on the same day. Dr. Jennsen had said that the approval would only be a formality and that she was proud that he would be the first third year student ever to take part in the program. Both of his teachers had been very enthusiastic about it – and even though the events with Edwards had left him in a more than bad mood, Julian had involuntarily started looking forward to the training. Especially as it would finally give him the opportunity to escape Edwards and his constant surveillance.

Dr. Thomas fidgeted a moment with the PADD in his hands, before he finally sighed. "To tell the truth… it's been declined."

For a second, Julian just stared dumbstruck at his teacher, unsure if he had heard right. "But… why?"

Dr. Thomas shook his head, as if to say that he would have liked to know the answer to that particular question himself. "Well… to be honest… there were voices that were afraid that you weren't ready yet. You're still a third year student – and the program was originally designed for graduate students…"

Julian felt the blood drain from his face. "Voices?" he asked flatly.

The older man looked embarrassedly out of the window. "One voice to be precise," he finally admitted.

"Edwards," Julian heard himself say before he could hold himself back. This had to be a bad joke!

Dr. Thomas turned to him, trying to salvage the situation. After all, it had been him who had recommended Julian for the program. Judging from the look on his face, he wasn't very pleased with the situation either. But there was only so much he could do against the decision of the committee – the chairman of which happened to be Edwards. "I'm sorry, Julian. But I'm sure that once you've started the practical part and have gained a little more experience, no one will hold you back from taking part in the program."

It was in that instant that he felt something snap inside him.

What right did that arrogant, overbearing, damn Edwards have to meddle like this with his life? Wasn't the humiliation of the previous days enough for Edwards? Was it some kind of pervert punishment? He felt frustration build inside him. Followed by a burning anger that made the blood rush to his face. He quickly excused himself, before he all but stormed out of Dr. Thomas' office with only one thing on his mind – Edwards. This time he had crossed a line – he'd gone too far, and this time he wouldn't stand by doing nothing. There was only so much he could take.

His footsteps echoed hastily in the silence of the corridor when he half walked, half ran along the corridor, his hands clenched into furious fists. _Declined_. For Edwards it was this easy, wasn't it?

The instant he rounded the next corner though, he froze dead in his tracks.

Two persons were standing in a short distance in the corridor outside of Edwards' office, one of them gesturing agitatedly with his hands. Julian was still too far away to make out their words, but it was obvious that they were having an argument. His heart suddenly pounded up into his throat when he recognized their faces.

Amos.

And Edwards.

Stunned, he stopped, completely taken off guard to find Amos here with Edwards. Never before had he seen Edwards talking with Amos, or interact with him in any way. He instantly whirled back around the corner, pressing his back flat against the wall, wondering if any of them had already noticed him. When his hammering heart had somewhat calmed down again, he peered once again cautiously round the corner. But there was no mistaking them. Whatever the argument was about, it obviously wasn't a pleasant one. Even though he had no idea what was happening, he watched the agitated conversation with a queasy feeling, his anger slowly replaced by a growing curiosity about what Edwards and Amos were so wildly arguing about. It was no secret that Edwards didn't like Amos. But both of them arguing for everyone to see in the middle of the corridor?

If he could just get a little closer to hear what they were saying...

The sudden sound of footsteps made him nearly jump out of his skin. Amos had abruptly turned and was heading back in his direction. Julian instinctively searched for some place to hide, and rushed toward the door on the other side of the corridor. Fortunately, he found it unlocked. Without another thought he stormed into the room, and only released his breath when he heard the familiar hiss of the closing door in his back. He waited some more minutes, much longer than it would have taken Amos to pass, before he ventured out into the now deserted corridor. Neither Amos nor Edwards were anywhere in sight. The door to Edwards' office was shut again.

Stunned about what he had just witnessed, Julian stared down the long corridor. Slowly, he felt his initial anger return. It wasn't even so hard to guess what the argument must have been about. Wasn't it enough for Edwards to exercise his power over Julian? Wasn't he satisfied with what he'd already done? So now he was attacking Amos directly for a turn?

Julian felt his face flush, at the same time his hands clenched defiantly into fists.

He had to talk to Edwards. Now. Before everything got out of hands.

Without another thought, he started for his office – but when he activated the door chime, he found it closed. Edwards was nowhere in sight. Pounding the door with one hand in frustration, Julian felt as if he wanted to smash something under his hands. He waited some more indecisive minutes but as there was still no sign of his teacher, he had no other choice but to go back to his quarters.

* * *

When he came back to their mutual quarters, Alan hadn't yet returned from his study session with Marin.

Trudging over to his cot, Julian let himself drop heavily onto the mattress, running a sweaty hand over his face. Then he slowly went over to the small commpanel that was set into the wall next to the door. Several unread messages were blinking in a bright green – on top of which was a message that drew his attention in particular.

Edwards.

Julian stared at the sender's name until his eyes began to water. Edwards was damn well versed in having everyone do whatever he wanted exactly whenever he wanted. First he just vanished without a trace. Just to pop out of nowhere to summon him as he pleased. But he'd be damned if he let Edwards have him running at his beck and call. Not anymore. He was so fed up with doing what Edwards wanted him to do. For a long moment he thought about erasing the message from his inbox. But then he simply shut the commpanel down and went back to his bed, closing his eyes against the nightmare his life had suddenly turned into.

He must have fallen asleep over his brooding because the next thing he knew the door of his quarters opened and Alan came back.

"Anything happened?" Alan eyed his friend suspiciously as he put his PADDs back on the table. "You look horrible! Is everything okay?"

Julian grimaced. "Just not my day... That's all."

Alan looked barely convinced – but to his credit he didn't press further. After a while he was fretting restlessly around the room, Alan finally came to a halt, obviously uneasy. "By the way... Edwards was looking for you..." he started slightly embarrassed, as if he knew that he was entering dangerous ground by mentioning the name of his best friend's nemesis. "He wanted to talk to you... and he looked, well, quite in a bad mood – to put it mildly."

Julian glared. "Did he say what he wanted?"

Alan shook his head. "No. But he made it clear that I should tell you to report to him as soon as I saw you." Alan grimaced. "I'm sorry, Julian."

Julian suppressed the urge to hit the bedframe with his fist. Instead he ran his hand through his hair. This was getting worse and worse. He hadn't done anything wrong. And still he was the one being punished. It wasn't fair.

When a sudden shadow fell over him, he instinctively looked up. Alan was standing before him, holding something round and shiny before his eyes. A bottle of Aldorian Brandy.

"Forget that Edwards for a moment. He should cut you some slack."

Glad for Alan's offer to lift his mood, they spent the next hour drinking and chatting in the confines of their small quarters until a sudden call from home required Alan's attention. While Alan went to answer the call with an apologetic grimace, Julian waved his hand dismissively that he didn't mind. But with Alan busy and the walls of his small quarters coming ever closer, he grabbed his racquetball sports bag and gestured to Alan that he would just go for a match of racquetball to leave him some privacy for the conversation with his family.

Slightly dazed from the unaccustomed amount of alcohol, Julian made his way for the gym, hoping for the news of Alan's family to be of good nature for once. Luckily, he was the only player at the racquetball court this late in the evening which gave him the chance to play up to his full potential. The exercise not only managed to lift his mood but also the dizziness in his mind. Some thirty minutes later, he propped himself panting on his knees and wiped the sweat off his forehead. It was almost 2300 by the time he had showered, changed into fresh clothes and put his racquetball outfit back into his sports back.

Stepping out into the quiet corridor, he slowly came to a halt. The argument between Amos and Edwards was still nagging at his mind. As was the anger and frustration he felt against Edwards' sudden interference with his life. Edwards was clearly crossing a line. And the worst thing was that he didn't know what to do. The more he obeyed Edwards order, the more he seemed to give him an excuse to go even farther. He still felt frustrated when he thought back to his application for the special program. In the end even Dr. Jennsen and Dr. Thomas had been powerless against Edwards. It was like trying to fight a battle he knew he couldn't win. Staring gloomily ahead, he pondered what he should do. But finally he could think of only one person he could turn to.

Readjusting the strap of his sports bag over his shoulder, he quickly scanned the corridor for any other passers-by but noticed with relief that he was alone. Without another thought, he began to walk.

Hurrying down the corridor, it didn't take long until he reached the science lab. He almost feared that Amos had already called it a night – they were nearing midnight after all – but when he tabbed the chime next to the door, he was surprised to find the lab still open.

Slightly unsure and with pounding heart like a child that knew that he was doing something forbidden, he entered.

"Julian?" the familiar voice of his former teacher greeted him from the back part of the lab. Amos was sitting stooped over one of his consoles, but hurried to draw himself up when he spotted his sudden and unexpected visitor. A warm smile spread across his features when he gestured Julian to enter, though something about him looked different. Julian couldn't pin down the feeling but he had known Amos too long not to notice that something wasn't quite right. "What brings you here this late? Shouldn't you be back in your quarters by now?"

Letting his sports back drop to the ground, Julian awkwardly came over. "I'm sorry that I couldn't come earlier..." In fact, he hadn't seen Amos in almost three weeks... He hadn't even had the chance to explain to him why he'd so suddenly stopped coming to their regular meetings.

Amos sighed with a sad smile. "Never mind. I know how much pressure they put you under. I'm sorry. I should have never agreed to letting you in on this in the first place. It's my fault."

Julian hastily shook his head. "No, I wanted to help. And I don't regret it. Being your assistant was the best thing that could have ever happened to me! It's just..." he struggled to find the right words.

Amos held up one hand to stop the young man. "I know. And if we're honest with ourselves, it's only reasonable. You're still a student, Julian. You're here to learn and that is exactly what you should do. There's still enough time to engage in research once you've developed and acquired all the skills you need. Let's don't rush things. Not with your midterm exams waiting for you this summer." He pointed toward the replicator. "Care for some tea?"

Julian nodded, feeling frustrated, discouraged and guilty at the same time. So Amos obviously knew about his problems with Edwards and why Julian hadn't found much time to come to assist him during the past few weeks.

Dropping miserably into a nearby chair, Julian rubbed his eyes. "I… just don't know what to do," he admitted in a weak voice. "He's not only ordered me to stop working with you. Now he's even made me fail to qualify for a training program Dr. Jennsen and Dr. Thomas have recommended me for. He's just taking this pervert pleasure in dashing everything I try to build up."

Amos looked up, a sad frown on his face. Then he came back with the steaming cup of tea, and Julian reluctantly reached for the cup.

"It's just... not fair," the young man whispered defiantly under his breath. Amos' words were not exactly as encouraging as he had hoped them to be.

"Few things in life are," Amos sighed, patting his shoulder. "But I guess there is nothing you can really do about it. He's your teacher. He's just trying to protect you – in his own way." Was there a hint of sadness in Amos voice?

For a long minute, they kept sitting silently next to each other. Until Julian spoke again. He wasn't sure if he should broach the subject or not, but eventually he did.

"I… saw Edwards and you arguing in front of his office today," he offered awkwardly.

For the split of a second, he thought Amos looked slightly taken aback about his words. But instantly the usual good-natured smile returned to the other man's lips and he shook his head. "Oh, you mean our conversation this afternoon?"

"What did he want from you?" Julian probed apprehensively.

Amos drew himself up, avoiding his gaze. "Nothing. We just had some differences about our work, that's all," he said nonchalantly as he walked over to the science console.

"But..." Julian began. _It didn't look like nothing..._ He swallowed the remark though. He knew that Amos wasn't telling the truth, but he felt bad about pressing for further information if Amos didn't want to talk about it. Still, he was more than curious about what the argument had been about.

"How's your research going anyway?" he tried to change topics in a desperate effort to gain some more time with Amos. He knew that he shouldn't be here and that he was taking a great risk by coming to see Amos. But still, he didn't want his time here with him to end. Not yet.

The older man looked up from his studies and smiled. "As always. I'm stuck with a problem I can't seem to solve. But I guess that's what's qualifying research. You just have to try again and again."

Instantly, Julian's interest was piqued. "Is there anything I can help you with?" he asked eagerly, the prospect of a new challenge almost instantly lifting his mood.

Amos regarded him for a long moment, as if he were gauging if he could trust his former student far enough to let him in on the research project he was currently working on. For only a split second, a strange shadow passed over his face but it vanished so quickly that Julian wasn't sure if he hadn't only imagined it. When Amos offered another of his warm smiles, it oddly didn't quite reach his eyes.

"In fact, there is...," he said reluctantly, not taking his eyes off the young man. "I wasn't sure if I should tell you. Not with everything that's happened recently. I know how hard your medical course is and the last thing I want is to bring you into even more trouble on my account."

Julian quickly shook his head, fearing that Amos might change his mind in the eleventh hour. "No, it's okay. Never mind my studies. If there's anything I can do for you, I'd be happy to help!" He could sense that Amos was holding something back, which made him all the more desperate to convince him.

"Well..." the older man finally said, as if he had given it more than one thought. "…then I guess there's nothing that would speak against it." And with an intent look into his former student's eyes, he added in a stern voice: "But I need your full trust."

Julian nodded eagerly. "I'll do whatever you say."

Amos chuckled. "Thought you'd say that." Then he became serious again. "Currently, I'm working on a way to improve the neural transmission of the vaccine for the Elani fever."

_The Elani fever_... He remembered that one. It was Amos' first project when he came to the Academy. He'd thought that he'd abandoned the project by now to concentrate on more important issues...

"You already know that the fever is caused by a nasty little virus that settles down in the glia cells of the human brain. It took me quite a while to figure out how it works and how to create a vaccine for it. The only problem that remains is the neural transmission. Somehow the transmission and the spread of the vaccine is not as wide and even as it should be. But in order to get to grips with the transmission problem, I first need to know how exactly the vaccine spreads inside the human body and the human brain."

Again, Julian nodded, not sure if he could follow. He still didn't understand what part he would be playing in all this.

Amos held up a data PADD. "The problem is that normally the neural transmission occurs too fast and in too complex ways for a conventional neural scanner to follow." He intently regarded the young man sitting attentively in front of him.

"Which is why you need me to slow down my brain activity far enough for the scanner to get a pick up on the neural signals..." Julian concluded hesitantly. In a weird kind of way, it did make sense...

Amos nodded solemnly. "I can think of only one person on this whole planet who would be able to do it."

It was the first time that Amos had ever asked him to use his enhanced skills for his research. It was an odd feeling, like if they were crossing an invisible, unspoken line for the first time. Even though Julian's genetic enhancements were no secret among them, Amos had never openly discussed them, least of all asked his student to take part in an experiment himself. Not until today.

"I'll try my best," Julian said at length, reassuring himself as much as Amos.

The older man retrieved some of the PADDs that sat on the table next to the diagnostic console. The smile remained on his face, though his features palpably tensed. "Very well..." he cleared his throat. "Then let's see what we can find out."

Julian followed Amos toward the back part of the lab and into the adjoining, smaller room there. He couldn't remember that he'd ever been to that particular part of the lab before. This room, too, was stuffed with the latest equipment he wasn't even sure what it was for. A single biobed stood in the middle of it, a black display directly above it. Its smooth surface was lifeless and cold, as was the rest of the Equipment in the room. When Amos patted the bed, Julian quickly hoisted himself up and slowly lay down the length of it until his head came to rest on the triangular pillow. The soft fabric felt cool even through his uniform. Searching with his eyes for Amos, he breathed an inward sight of relief when he saw him standing right next to him working the controls of the diagnostic unit.

The other man kept unusually silent while he keyed in a sequence of commands, making Julian wish he could see what Amos was doing there. He still wasn't quite sure if he could manage what Amos was asking him to do but as Amos was obviously convinced that he was the only person who could do the job, Julian couldn't but trust that he was right. And that he was able to help.

Still, lying on the biobed in an unaccustomed position like this made him feel exposed and vulnerable. He knew that it was just his foolish imagination but something about the place and the whole situation gave him goose bumps. He shrugged the feeling off. He was only helping Amos with his research. That was all. No need to feel frightened. Keeping his eyes fixed on the lights at the ceiling, he tried hard not to let it show how much this was getting at him. He was soon going to be a doctor himself. Why did he always make such a lousy patient...?

Another minute later, Amos came over with the neural scanner they'd already worked with on a previous occasion. He gently placed the heavy arch on the young man's forehead, tabbed a sequence of commands into the small display at its side and went back to the science station somewhere out of Julian's field of vision.

"How long will it take?" Julian wanted to know, swallowing down the lump that had begun to form in his throat.

Silence.

"Mr. Amos?" he tried once again. This time he failed to hide the strain in his voice.

A few moments later, the older man reappeared. "Only a few minutes," he said absently, inserting a new vial into the hypospray in his hands. When he finally came around the biobed and bent over his patient, the usual confident smile had returned to his lips. He held up the hypo so that Julian could see it. "I'll have to use another neural enhancer to make the calibration easier. It will only take a few minutes. Are you okay with that?"

Julian nodded awkwardly as far as it was possible with the scanner on his forehead. Then he felt the cool touch of the hypo under his left ear, and heard the familiar hiss when the substance was injected into his skin. He tried to relax but found it harder than he'd imagined.

"I'll activate the starting sequence now. Give me a few minutes and I will tell you what to do," Amos said in a light voice which oddly contradicted the tense expression on his face. Leaning over his patient, he put something into the display above the bed.

Again, Julian just nodded, watching Amos disappear somewhere behind him. His nervousness started to make him sick.

Trying to banish out every distracting thought, he tried to empty his mind but found it oddly hard to concentrate. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His stomach still felt like a mess of knots and his heart was thudding anxiously in his chest. _Calm down and stop making a fool of yourself! You wanted this! _he told himself but it didn't help. He opened his eyes again, just to wince at the brightness that shone down on him. It suddenly felt as if the lights had doubled in their intensity. Squeezing his eyes shut again, he tried to keep breathing normal through his nose. But it were not only the lights. Strange sounds were suddenly echoing back in his head. It sounded like the humming of a diagnostic console – only ten times louder. The gusts of the air ventilation. The beeps and chirping of a diagnostic tricorder somewhere behind him. The sound of footsteps. The rustle of a lab tunic brushing against the diagnostic console. The sounds rang in his skull like thunder, leaving him disoriented and dazed.

He brought a hand up to his face, reflexively rubbing his forehead.

At the same time, the sickness in his stomach was growing stronger. He tried to keep his breathing even and deep, telling himself that it would pass and that it was just his anxious imagination. But the sudden stab of pain that all at once shot through his unprepared body was only too real. Gasping for breath, he clutched his arms around his abdomen, grimacing at the sudden assault. It had felt like a violent punch in the stomach, only that there was no one there who could have dealt the blow. _Something must be wrong. _Amos had said nothing about the procedure being painful. And he was sure that it was never supposed to hurt this way. But still it did. And it was getting worse. Willing himself to open his eyes against the blinding light and the sudden pain in his chest, he searched for the familiar sight of Amos though his gaze was met by nothing but thin air. He felt a flutter of panic. Where was Amos?

He blinked and struggled to speak, realizing numbly that tears had begun to form in the corner of his eyes at the blinding brightness around him.

"M-mr...A-amos," he finally managed in what came out as a hoarse whisper. He had trouble breathing. Somehow the room wouldn't stop spinning around him.

What seemed like an excruciating eternity later, a familiar face appeared above him. _Amos_. A wave of relief washed over him. He would know what to do. He had to tell him. He had to make him stop whatever test they were running. Though something in Amos' attitude gave him pause. His usually gentle features were cool and concentrated when he glanced at the chart above Julian's bed, before he continued studying the tiny blinking device in his hands. Julian struggled to sit up and prop himself on the mattress, though he didn't make it far. His body suddenly felt so heavy, as if something unyielding and invisible was pushing down on him. He was barely able to lift his arm. Clumsily and with stiff fingers he finally managed to grab hold of Amos' sleeve, struggling to draw his attention. An anxious moment later, he felt a warm and reassuring hand cover his. He clung to the sensation like a drowning man to a straw as his body tensed under another wave of pain, making him dig his stiff fingers frantically into the sleeves of Amos' uniform.

"Sssh, everything's fine. Easy now, Julian. Relax. It'll be over soon." Amos was bending over him, though he didn't really look at him. Instead he kept intently watching the readouts above his patient's head. An indistinct fear rose in Julian.

Desperately, he tried to find his voice. Amos had to stop this. Something was wrong. He knew it with a dead certainty. The sensation in his trembling fingertips was slipping, making a surge of panic course through him. "N-no...s-some...w-wrong..."

His voice sounded strange in his own ears. The words just wouldn't come out right. His mouth suddenly felt so dry that he swallowed convulsively. He felt his tears spill over, running slowly down his cheeks. Why didn't Amos realize that something was wrong? Why didn't he stop this? And suddenly even the comforting warmth of Amos' touch faded away behind the grey veil of agony when the older man gently made him release his grip on his sleeve and pushed his hand back down on the mattress next to his paralyzed body. Despite the blinding light, it was all he could do to stare wide-eyed at his former teacher, unable to comprehend what was happening, his fearful eyes searching those of Amos'. And it was in the short second when their gazes met that Julian glimpsed for a horror-filled moment a calculating, clinical detachment in those dark eyes that he had never seen there before.

"I need you to stay still, Julian. It's very important. Do you hear me?" the other man commanded in a soft and almost fatherly tone, yet Julian was too terrified to hear any of his words. The churning pain in his stomach was nothing compared to the mounting dread he felt, when the terrible realization slowly hit.

_He knew. Amos knew what was going on. And he had no intention of stopping it._

Fear gripped him. A bone-deep fear that eliminated every other thought. And suddenly he frantically struggle to move, to sit up and get the neural scanner from his head. All his instincts were screaming at him to get down from the biobed and call someone for help. He had to get down from the bed. He had to stop this. But it was as if his body was a stranger to him. With his last strength, he somehow managed to push himself onto his side, curling up when another surge of pain swept over him and took his breath. He couldn't move. Shaking with pain and fear, he desperately tried to hold onto consciousness, sucking in shallow breaths through his already sore throat. Through his tear-filled gaze he saw Amos' familiar form before him, looking down on him though his face was distorted and blurred. He open his mouth to beg him to stop but all he brought forth was a pitiful whimper.

"Sssh, Julian. Everything will be fine." A hand touching his shoulder, slowly pushing him back down.

Struggling with every shred of strength he could summon to wriggle free of Amos' grip, a terrified sob escaped his lips when his world launched into another wild spin around him. He felt so sick. He didn't want this! Another wave of nausea hit him, making him want to double over and throw up whatever was left in his queasy stomach. His breaths came shallow and fast, his heart hammering so fast that he feared it might burst. He didn't understand what was happening. He didn't understand what Amos was doing to him. He still felt his hand sickeningly warm against his shoulder, and it just made everything worse. Gritting his teeth, he coughed and struggled for breath, his lungs threatening to collapse. It was like he was trying to breathe through water. Everything swum around him. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling darkness closing determinedly in on him. _Make it stop! Make it stop!_ His mind was screaming in despair though the words never left his lips.

"We're almost there," he heard Amos' disembodied voice through the all-consuming pain and the chaos in his mind. He could no longer see. He no longer knew where he was. Something heavy was pressing down on him. He felt like he were falling, just to spiral up again. Struggling frantically for breath, he felt as if his head was about to explode from within.

_Make it stop! _he sobbed helplessly. _M__ake it stop!_ It was his last terrified thought before his consciousness went astray in the grey nothingness that came washing over him.


	8. 08 A black abyss

**Chapter 08**

"A black abyss"

,

Silence.

A throbbing, crushing silence. So heavy and deafening that it rang mockingly back in his head, leaving him disoriented and dazed. An unbearable heat, like an exploding sun, so searing that it singed every fiber of his shivering body, burning him alive. His own breath ragged and rasping. Just too shallow. Just too weak. A bone-deep sickness that overwhelmed every other sensation, making him swallow convulsively against the roiling sensation in his stomach.

He didn't know where he was. He didn't know what had happened. His whole world had suddenly shattered around him, spinning, blurring, throwing him into that deep blackness where there existed nothing but a sea of agony, without beginning or end.

Ever so slowly, he struggled to open his eyes against the numbing pain in his body. Little by little pushing himself a little further toward consciousness. Willing his lungs to keep working when every labored breath was like a knife piercing through him, threatening to push him back into the oblivion he dreaded so much.

He was scared. He was shivering all over, shaking from fear as much as from pain.

Something soft was pressing against his face. He tried to hold onto that thought, trying to remember where he was. Trying to remember what had happened. His eyes came open a little and he strained to see through the thick darkness that was surrounding him. But his mind wouldn't focus. His head was throbbing so badly, and his mind just wouldn't work. He knew that there was something he ought to remember. Something important. Something he mustn't forget. But he just couldn't. His head felt like it had been smashed to pieces. His body as if every muscle, every bone had been ripped apart. Terrified, beaten and alone, he just lay there in the heavy darkness, silent tears running down his glowing cheeks while he struggled feebly to hold onto consciousness.

Alone.

It was what was terrifying him the most.

Broken. Discarded. Forgotten. Like something that was no longer of use and had been abandoned to its fate.

He didn't know what had happened. He was just hurting so much. He pressed his face closer against the soft sensation under him, crying with pain and helplessness. The heat around him was growing stronger. So unbearably strong. Like flames licking along his body, caressing him with their burning touch. Panic rose in him. Even through the fog in his mind he knew that he needed to move. That he had to get away from here. It was his only terrified thought. And it made him desperately summon the last shreds of energy still left in his broken body. He needed to get away from the heat. He would die if he didn't. He already felt his life slipping away from him. Coughing and sobbing with the effort to make his numb and aching muscles obey, he somehow managed to bring his hand up to his face. His stiff fingers groped in the darkness. Until he finally found the edge of something. His fingers clawed around it, and he pulled. The movement made a hot wave of nausea course through him but he didn't stop. Desperately, he brought his shivering body closer to that edge, panting from the effort, fighting the growing urge to throw up. His whole body felt so heavy. Like if something invisible was pulling him down, making every move an impossible effort.

Only a little further.

Only a little further, past that edge. His stomach lurched when another wave of pain washed over him – and took his scant strength with it. Suddenly, he felt like if he was falling. Ever farther. Ever faster.

He never reached the end of that deep abyss when his mind had already drifted out of consciousness again.

* * *

"Have you seen Julian?"

Marin unceremoniously dumped her files onto her desk, casting an unsure and slightly nervous glance around. It was almost nine in the morning – and her friend was nowhere in sight. Normally it wouldn't have been such a big deal, everyone was skipping classes once in a while, hadn't it been for the fact that it was one of Edwards' lessons which Marin was sure Julian would never have missed. Not even with a good excuse. And that made her restless.

"No, he was already gone when I woke up this morning..." Alan gave absently back, flicking through his PADD to check his homework one a last time.

Marin shook her head. "It's not like him to skip classes. You sure you haven't seen him?"

Alan sighed and pushed his black-framed glasses back up his nose. "I told you, he was already gone when I woke up this morning. I don't know where he is."

The young woman grimaced. "I just hope he hasn't done anything stupid. He was so strange yesterday. As if something was bothering him. He said that everything was fine but… You know Julian. Sometimes he can be so stubborn. And it's just not like him to be late for one of Edwards' classes." She bit her lower lip, trying to decide what to do.

"Stop worrying, Marin. He's old enough to take care of himself," Alan rolled his eyes. "Everyone has a bad day once in a while. Perhaps he's just decided to take it easy today. I mean, after all what happened with Edwards it wouldn't be such a big surprise. And it's not as if skipping one single class would cost him his credits for the course."

Propping herself on her elbows, she rested her chin in her hands. "I hope you're right. But it's not like him to stay away from classes without letting anyone know..."

She didn't have much more time to dwell on the subject, when the chime rang and their class began. As expected, Edwards didn't miss on the fact that Julian was not present this morning. His gaze paused for the fraction of a second on the empty place next to Marin, before he resumed checking the room for any other missing student.

As always, Edwards' rather demanding way of teaching didn't leave them with much time to think about anything else than the subject at hand. For the next two hours they had their hands full with trying to keep up with Edwards' strong pace, making Alan breathe – as always – a sigh of relief when the chime that marked the end of class finally sounded.

Already about to gather their things up, Marin was surprised to find Edwards suddenly coming over to them.

"Ms. Tang, Mr. Clark, may I have a word with you?"

Even though he still radiated the same aura of austere authority, and carried himself in the same intimidating way they had more or less grown used to during the last three years, his choice of words stroke Marin as slightly unusual. Unsure, she glanced at Alan, silently shooting him a warning gaze to be careful what he said.

Edwards cleared his throat, his hands still clasped behind his back and his face an unreadable mask. "I was wondering if you could tell me where your friend is. He wasn't in class today."

Marin swallowed hard. So Edwards had noticed Julian's absence. As he had been bound to. But why Edwards' special interest in Julian? He wasn't the only one missing today. She knew that they weren't getting along very well together and that Julian somehow never seemed to measure up to Edwards' high expectations. She also knew very well how hard Edwards always was on him, and how Julian dreaded their classes with Edwards even more than the rest of them. After all the events of the last weeks, she had hoped for the tension between Julian and Edwards to subside now that Edwards had gotten what he wanted. But obviously she'd been wrong. Part of her felt sorry for Julian, while another part of her began to feel angry with Edwards. He was slowly but surely crossing a line.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know where he is," she finally settled for the truth, even though she doubted that she would have told him even if she knew.

Alan next to her looked as if he was poised for flight. His face had gone as pale as milk, as if he dreaded that now that Julian wasn't around he'd become the center of Edwards' attention himself.

Edwards nodded solemnly. "I see. What about you Mr. Clark? You're his roommate. Do you have any idea where Mr. Bashir chose to spend his time instead of coming to his lessons?" He locked his intense gaze on Alan, who subsequently felt his legs grow weak.

"I'm not sure. He had already left when I woke up this morning," Alan tried not to sound as nervous as he felt. "He wasn't in our quarters, so I assumed that he must have already left."

"When was the last time you saw him?"

Alan thought for a moment. "Yesterday evening. We spent the evening together until I got a call from home and he left for the racquetball court."

"And when did he come back to your quarters?"

Alan grimaced. "I'm not sure. I was already asleep. But it must have been some time after 2400..." he said hesitantly, not sure what the sudden interrogation meant, at the same time careful not to mention anything that would bring his friend into trouble. But talking to Edwards was like trying to find your way through a mine field.

"You have told him that he was ought to meet me in my office yesterday evening, haven't you?"

Edwards' gaze was piercing, as if he saw right through him. Alan bit his lip. Too late did he realized the mistake he had made. "I… told him but…"

"But?"

Alan shook his head, desperately trying to salvage the situation. "He was preoccupied…."

Edwards arched one brow. "Preoccupied? So he chose to ignore my order?"

Alan cursed the way this man always managed to skillfully twist everything to his liking. "I don't think that that was his intention, sir. He was just preoccupied, that's all. Some family problems. But I'm not sure. He didn't tell me and I didn't want to pry."

He could feel Marin's incredulous look in his back. But fortunately, Edwards didn't press further.

Finally, he simply nodded. "I want you to go and search for him. Now. And as soon as you find him, tell him to report to my office immediately." And with a look into Alan's and Marin's quizzical faces, he added, this time more intimidatingly. "That's an order. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," Marin replied, utterly unsure what to do. She couldn't shake the feeling that this time Julian was in serious trouble. She didn't even want to picture the drama that was going to unfold in Edwards' office should he get his hands on the young man. They needed to find him first. And warn him. With a strange feeling of urgency, she nudged Alan to follow her as she hurried out of the classroom.

* * *

When he briskly walked down the long corridor leading to the main hall, he wasn't sure if he should feel extremely angry with Bashir or extremely worried.

Angry because the young man had openly defied his order and had not come to his office last night. Angry because it was obvious that he had his friends lying on his behalf in a futile effort to protect him from the trouble he had brought upon him by himself. Angry because the young man had not seen it necessary to send any notice that he would not be able to attend classes today.

And worried because missing his classes like this was utterly unlike him. He'd known Bashir for three years now and he was well aware how hard the young man was always working to fulfill everyone's expectation on him. He knew that he wouldn't have missed class unless there was a real good excuse. The only problem was, he couldn't think of one. As far as he knew, Bashir had even stopped meeting with Amos, exactly as he'd told him. There still was the chance that the young man was quietly defying his order though he doubted that he would dare risk getting himself into trouble. Not with their midterm exams waiting for them in only a few weeks and not after the day of the incident with the young boy. He had seen the horror on his face when he'd told him that he'd be written up for insubordination. No, he doubted that he would ignore his orders concerning his work with Amos. Not after the dread he'd instilled in him.

So why hadn't he been in class today? He hadn't received any message that he wasn't feeling well and couldn't attend the course. And obviously Ms. Tang and Mr. Clark hadn't either.

He hoped his friends would find him soon, and send him to him. There still was something important he needed to discuss with him...

When he entered his office, he quickly placed the stack of PADDs on his desk, and checked the comm log to see if there were any important new messages waiting for his attention before he went over to the replicator to order a strong cup of coffee. Coming back to the table, he absently set the cup next to the display and scrolled down his inbox. Most of the messages on top were marked unread in a bright red – one of which came from Amos.

With a bad feeling he selected the message and quickly glanced through its content. There wasn't really much text, only that he was sorry that he wouldn't be able to attend the conference this afternoon. The message ended after only two lines.

A dark frown crept across Edwards' face. Amos was cancelling his attendance at the conference? He was supposed to present the committee with his recent research results in order to get the approval for the next research budget. He couldn't miss this one. Not if he wanted to continue his work at Starfleet Medical. And Amos had to be aware of this. "Computer, establish a commlink to Mr. Amos," he ordered.

Taking another sip of his hot coffee, he scrolled down through the rest of his inbox.

"Commlink connection not possible. Person in question is not answering." The computer's voice replied after only a few seconds.

Edwards looked up, perplexed. _Connection not possible?_ So he was obviously not in his office. But where was he then? "Computer, located Mr. Amos," he ordered again.

It took another minute before the computer answered again. "Unable to comply."

An unsettling mix of worry and premonition rose in him. The conference was due to start in two hours. Where was Amos? He opened a channel to the central bureau but even there he was only told that Amos had left yesterday night but hadn't left any notice as to when to expect his return. He thanked the young office lady nevertheless and severed the commlink. _Something was wrong_. It wasn't like Amos to steal himself away like this. Especially not if it meant endangering his whole career here at Starfleet Medical. And why hadn't he left any notice anyway?

About to try to open again a channel to Mr. Amos' lab, the sudden chime of his office door made him pause.

"Come in," he said slightly distracted.

He wasn't even surprised to find his two students enter. Ms. Tang propped herself on her knees and panted heavily for breath while Mr. Clark oddly was the first to speak. "We cannot find him," he blurted with chopped breath. "We've searched high and low but we cannot find him." There was a strange urgency in the young man's words.

Edwards drew himself up with an unbelieving frown. "What do you mean by you cannot find him?" Enough was enough. He didn't have time for this. "Computer, locate cadet Julian Bashir," he ordered impatiently.

"Unable to comply."

Mr. Clark shook his head. "No, we've tried that already. The computer cannot locate him. It's like he's gone missing from the Academy grounds. At least the computer says so…" It was clear that he didn't believe it, thought.

Stunned, Edwards' face drew into a dark frown. "And he hasn't said that he's going to leave the Academy this morning?"

The young man shook his head. "No. I told you, he was already gone when I woke up this morning. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday evening. But he didn't say anything about leaving then either."

_Where could he have gone?_ _Especially now when he ought to be in his courses._ "Have you tried Mr. Amos' lab?" Edwards eventually demanded, coming around his desk to tower over his two students.

Marin grimaced, as if having been caught in the act. "It's closed. There was no one there..." she admitted in a meek voice.

Alan shook his head. "He wasn't in our quarters either. I've even checked the library and the racquetball court. No one has seen him since yesterday evening..." And with a slightly sick look he added: "There's something else... I'm not sure but I think he didn't come home yesterday. His sports bag was still missing. I hadn't noticed this morning but now that we had a closer look, I'm quite sure he didn't come back to our quarters last night…"

Edwards remembered Alan having told them that Bashir had left for a match of racquetball the previous evening. The court of which was not far from the science unit. In which Amos had his lab. The thought struck him like thunder and made a chill course through him. So far it was nothing more than a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. And he silently prayed that it remained so.

"What shall we do now?" Marin anxiously wanted to know as if she was sensing that something was not right.

That one of his students had not come to his classes was one thing. But that he had suddenly vanished without a trace was something completely different. And he doubted that it had suddenly occurred to him to run away from the Academy. Even with all the daily stress.

"I'll contact security and have them search for Mr. Bashir," Edwards said slowly, ignoring the thunderstruck look on the young woman's face.

"You're not going to arrest him, are you? He hasn't done anything wrong!" She vigorously protested.

"Dr. Thomas to Edwards," a sudden call over intercom interrupted their conversation.

"Edwards here," he answered, cursing the perfect timing.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but there's something I'd like to hear your advice on. Could you drop by at my office before you go to the conference?" the disembodied voice asked politely, utterly unaware of the crisis that had started to develop in Edwards' office.

Running a hand through his hair, he sighed. "I'll be there in a minute. Edwards out."

"I want you two to continue to search for Mr. Bashir," he finally commanded, ignoring the startled look on his students' faces. "And as soon as you've found him, I want to know immediately!"

The blood had almost completely drained from the young woman's face. "But…"

"That is an order!" Edwards firmly said. With another hesitant glance back, he finally started for the door, urging his two students to leave the office with him.

It only took him another ten minutes to reach Dr. Thomas' office. When he entered the lab, he was greeted by a slightly puzzled looking colleague gesturing for him to come closer. "I'm sorry to bother you," he announced as he went over to the diagnostic unit, "but there's something I'd like to hear your opinion on. I know that you're busy with your preparations for the conference but," and he quickly called up some information on the computer terminal. "…do you have any idea what this could be about?"

Edwards came closer, moving to stand behind Dr. Thomas to peer over his shoulder at the readouts.

"I was running a long-time diagnostic on a project last night, but something seems to be wrong with the data." He scratched his neck, shooting a hopeful glance at Edwards. "According to the computer data, the growth of the culture in the petri dish stopped for exactly two minutes. And afterward the colony resumed its growth as if nothing had happened. To tell the truth, I have no idea what this could be about. I mean, the culture just doesn't stop growing. It's not how nature works… I thought that perhaps you might have any idea what to make of this?"

Edwards stared at the display, the bad feeling in his stomach growing. He instantly saw what Dr. Thomas meant. The graph that indicated the culture's growth steadily increased – until a hole in the graph gaped out of nowhere. After a time frame of about two minutes the graph suddenly continued – on a higher level than it had stopped. It almost looked as if someone had somehow cut that particular part out of the graph.

"I don't think that the culture really stopped growing – it seems more like some sort of power fluctuation," Edwards frowned, pointing at the hole in the graph on the display. "When did you say you ran the diagnostic?"

Dr. Thomas arched one brow. "It lasted the whole night. But the sudden drop in the growth rate was at shortly past midnight. I wonder what could have caused it…"

Edwards put his hand on his chin, thinking. A power drop like this was unlikely not to be picked up and automatically corrected by the computer. Even the simplest science program had its own failsafe to prevent wrong data output like this. It didn't make sense. Why had no one noticed the power fluctuation? He stared at the graph on the display, almost willing the line to give him the answer he needed.

And then it suddenly hit him. And the realization sent a cold shiver down his spine.

"An EN field," he whispered under his breath, startled about his own discovery. "The EN field radiates a short-frequency impulse when it gets launched. It could have caused the two minute disturbance of your diagnostic program. The impulse is too low for the computer to intervene. No other instruments or programs would have been affected. That is why it wasn't picked up by the computer. The impulse was too low – but it would have been detectable in your diagnostic program."

Dr. Thomas shot him a disbelieving look as if he had lost his mind. "An EN field? Here? Who would set up an EN field in the middle of Starfleet Medical?"

"Someone who doesn't want to be found by a computer standard scan," Edwards slowly concluded, whispering more to himself than to Dr. Thomas. And another second later, he had already turned, heading out of the office and into the corridor.

_Amos._

He half walked, half ran down the long corridor of the main hall. Something was dreadfully wrong. First Amos' sudden and silent departure. Then his student going missing. And finally the utterly unlikely event of someone having the nerve to set up an EN field in Starfleet Medical. After the past weeks it was like the nightmare he had dreaded so much coming true.

If his suspicion was true, if Amos had really launched the EN field... He didn't dare think of the consequences. By the time he made it to Amos' science lab he was heavily panting for breath but didn't stop to rest. He hit the door chime. As expected the door wouldn't move. He had to get into that lab. He had to see with his own eyes what Amos had done this time.

"Computer, override door lock. Authorization code Edwards 8-8-Alpha-3," he panted.

Only an instant later, the door whooshed open. When he entered the room beyond, he was greeted by utter darkness.

"Computer, lights," he ordered curtly, clearing his forehead of sweat.

The room instantly became alive, though with dismay he noticed that the lab was empty. It looked even tidy and clean. No sign of Amos or anything amiss. And no sign of Bashir either. He took some further steps into the room, turning. He was sure that Amos was behind the EN field. He couldn't think of anything else. It was the only thing that would make sense. Whatever he'd been doing, he clearly hadn't wanted others to find out. But what was even more important: What role did Bashir play in all this? What had his sudden disappearance to do with all this? Why Amos' sudden departure? What on earth had happened last night? He quickly scanned the room once more, but still he couldn't find anything out of place. Everything seemed so damn tidy and in place. So this here was obviously a dead end. _Damn!_ He ran his hand through his hair, trying to clear his mind.

Where could Amos be? Perhaps he should again try to inquire at the central reception and see what they could find out about Amos' whereabouts. There still was the chance that his two students had found Bashir by now.

He was already about to leave, raising his hand to his combadge, when his gaze suddenly fell on something grey on the floor. It was lying next to one console, and under normal circumstances he wouldn't have paid much attention. But when he took a closer look, he noticed that it was a sports bag.

_He went playing racquetball yesterday evening... but __I think he didn't come back to our quarters last night…_

He felt his heart beat up into his mouth.

"Cadet Bashir?" he called out, turning.

He crossed the room, just to come back in a circle. "Julian?"

Then he noticed the door in the rear part of the lab. It was so inconspicuous that he hadn't noticed it at first. He felt his heart thudding in his chest when he decisively crossed the room and activated the door switch. The door wouldn't move.

"Computer, override door lock, authorization Edwards 8-8-Alpha-3," he commanded curtly.

"Unable to comply."

His head went up. "What?"

"Insufficient security clearance," the medical computer replied politely, completely oblivious of the urgency of the situation.

He ran a hand through his hair. "Computer, this is a level 5 emergency. Override door lock, authorization Edwards 8-8-Alpha-3," he repeated.

"Override not possible."

He suppressed the urge to hit the door with his fist. So Amos must have activated some additional security level. He felt his anger rise. He tapped his combadge. "Edwards to security."

"Security here. How can we help you?"

"I'm currently in science lab 23. There's another room adjoining to his lab. It's most probably secured by a special science authorization code. I need to override the door lock. The computer tells me that my security clearance is not sufficient. Can you override the door lock from there?"

The voice on the other end of the commlink seemed to hesitate. "This is an emergency! I need to override this door lock. Now!" Edwards barked impatiently. If he just wasn't too late…

"Okay, but it will take some minutes."

"How long?" he asked impatiently.

The security officer cleared his throat. "I need to apply for the permission to override the lock. 10 to 15 minutes, depending how fast I get the permission."

Edwards suppressed a curse. It could be 15 minutes they didn't have. Then he took a deep breath, composing himself. "Thank you. I'd appreciate it if you could hurry."

Pacing impatiently to and fro, he cast an unsure glance around the lab. He didn't even want to think of the reason for Amos to secure a part of his lab with a high security code like this. Whatever was in that room, he either wanted to prevent someone from entering – or keep whatever was on the other side inside. In either way, it didn't bode well.

Almost unconsciously, he began scanning the bulkhead next to the door. If only he could find the manual access for the door. He could try to override the door lock from here. He ran his hand along the even wall, checking the even surface for the main power grid he knew must be somewhere. And after two tension-filled minutes he finally found it.

He pried the protective cover from the wall and flung it carelessly to the floor. A luminescent tangle of cables came into view. He stared only for a moment at the chaos before he plunged his hands into the glowing mess. One well placed yank – and he heard a familiar hiss. Whirling round to the door, he saw that it had moved a little. The security door lock was overridden.

Another two seconds later, he dug his fingers into the small gap in the door and pulled. Finally he brought it far enough apart to get through. The room behind was pitch black.

"Computer, raise lights!" he ordered, though he was utterly unprepared for what he saw when the lightning churned to life.

He had found his missing student.

Julian Bashir was lying curled up on his side on the only biobed in the center of the small room, one arm dangling lifelessly from the edge of the bed, the other buried somewhere under his body. It almost looked like he had tried to roll over from bed, but had collapsed in the middle of it. His face had turned a sickly pale and was now pressed halfway against the mattress under him. He didn't move. From the distance, Edwards couldn't even tell if he was still breathing.

"Oh my God..."

Without thinking, he hurried over to the bed, hunkering down next to Julian's lifeless form until his eyes were level with his. Reflexively he reached for his pulse, feeling with an indescribable surge of relief the faint and irregular thudding. Though the hot touch of his skin made Edwards' stomach turn. He was drenched in sweat and obviously running a fever... but something was not right. His cheeks were too pale, the warmth of his skin too irregular for a normal fever. Brushing the damp strands of hair from his forehead, he quickly checked his temperature. What he felt made every alarm bell in his mind start to ring.

Years of experience in cellular neuroscience made him act before he was even aware of it, knowing that his next action was decisive. He gently but firmly grasped the young man by his shoulders, turning him carefully over onto his back until he came to rest in his arms. He quickly checked his pupils, one then the other, feeling again for his pulse, finally cupping the young man's face with one hand. He didn't even need a tricorder to tell that something was dreadfully wrong. _A head injury_. _Or synaptic overload_.

"Julian? Can you hear me?" he urged as he gently shook him by his shoulders, trying to assess how far Bashir was already gone. He looked so weak as if his breathing was about to stop every minute now. How long had he been lying here? His roommate had said that he'd gone playing racquetball the previous evening. The power fluctuation with Dr. Thomas had been shortly past midnight. And now it was almost 1130 in the morning. That made about eleven hours he'd been unaccounted for. At the mere thought he felt sick to his stomach, and panic starting to build in his chest.

He urgently glanced around for any hint to as what could have happened. Whatever Amos had done, he'd done a good job. Everything seemed frustratingly in place. Weren't it for his unconscious student lying barely alive in his arms, there was no indication that anything had happened here at all…

"Julian, I need you to wake up," he tried again, this time more persistent and with a rising sense of dread. Slowly, he felt guilt and remorse creeping up on him, though he tried to push them aside. He needed to concentrate. "Come on, show me that you can hear me." He patted the young man's cheek. If he could just get him a little further back toward consciousness. As long as he didn't know what Amos had done to him, he couldn't risk using a hypo on him. In the worst case he'd inflict more damage than it would help.

No reaction.

"Julian." He didn't give up, patting him stronger. The young man still looked as if he were fast asleep, his inert and even peaceful face oddly contradicting the seriousness of the situation.

But suddenly his lips moved ever so slightly. The subsequent painful moan was barely audible, though Edwards didn't fail to notice.

"That's it, Julian. Just concentrate on my voice. You have to wake up."

The silence in the small lab was eerie. After what seemed like an eternity, the young man's eyes suddenly began to flutter and his face drew into a faint grimace. And then he coughed, his body shaking as he struggled to draw in ragged breaths as if he was choking on something. Decisively, Edwards took him by his shoulder, quickly turning him over and clapping his back.

"It's okay. Everything's fine. Try to open your eyes, Julian. I know you can. You're almost there," he kept encouraging, holding him firmly in his arms while another coughing fit took the young man's breath. But to his dismay, Bashir's eyes never opened. He was hovering on the brink of consciousness, but he was obviously too far gone to come back to him out of his own will.

He felt anger well inside him. Anger at Amos – and himself. He should have never let it get this far. What had he been thinking? But it was too late for this now. Hastily he took a look around, desperately searching for any hint as to what Amos had done to the young man. The young man that until yesterday had been so passionate about his studies at Starfleet Medical and the profession of a doctor. The young man that had always tried to give his best and had so adamantly defended his work with Amos. The young man that had trusted Amos with all his heart. The young man that was now lying barely alive in his arms, abandoned like a broken puppet.

His gaze fell on the science unit next to the biobed. Of course Amos wouldn't be so sloppy as to leave his work online. But with no real alternative, he carefully eased his student back down, before he hastily drew himself up and began flicking through the data files, well aware that time was running against him.

_What have you done to him, Amos? What pervert experiment did you perform on Julian?_

Though the only thing he found were unimportant personal log's from the previous months. Then his gaze fell on the recycler that was set into the wall next to the diagnostic unit. He was lucky. The small lamp on the left bottom side was blinking in a faint red. Which meant that Amos had not yet activated the full recycling process. When he opened the recycling hatch, an empty vial dropped into his open palm.

A vial for a hypospray...

Wrapping his hand around it, he quickly moved over to the diagnostic scanner, slipping the vial into it. With a few more tabs he placed the analysis on the main screen and squinted at the rotating image above his head. When he recognized the pattern, he felt his heart stop dead in his chest. Time stopped around him.

A high-density neurostimulant.

"Oh God... no..." he whispered under his breath, staring in horror at the familiar pattern on the display.

_He hadn't… he wouldn't… not on Julian…_

But only another look back at Bashir's feverish and half-conscious form on the bed was all it took to make him leap into action. Even running over to the biobed, he slapped his combadge, slipping the empty vial into the pocket of his trousers. "Edwards to Dr. Theissen. Medical emergency. I need a medical emergency team ready in ten minutes."

"Dr. Theissen speaking. Acknowledged. Where's your position? Should we beam you over?"

Edwards mind raced. How much had he injected him? He couldn't be sure. And he couldn't risk taking chances. Sickness threatened to overwhelm him. "No time. The patient's condition is too unstable. I'll bring him to you."

And with that he shoved his hands under the young man's arms and knees to lift him up from the biobed. He winced at the warmth he felt through Bashir's uniform. And silently prayed that he wasn't too late. The young man's head dropped weakly against Edwards' chest, a silent, painful groan escaping his lips.

_Too warm. He's just too warm... _He was losing him.

Without another look back, he hurried for the exit. It were excruciatingly long ten minutes until he finally reached the medical facilities but when he stormed through the door, the requested medical team was already at the ready. Dr. Theissen was the first to rush forward, guiding him to the biobed where he helped to lay the young man down. Carefully Edwards followed the other doctor's orders, lowering Julian onto the biobed.

"He's been injected with a high-density neurostimulant. Time presumably 11 hours ago. I tried to wake him up but he's too far gone…"

The older doctor paused at Edwards' rushed words, a short flicker of consternation on his face, but then he simply nodded, already flicking open his tricorder and shouting orders to his nurse.

Running a sweaty hand over his face, Edwards could only watch as the medical team set about preparing the young man for surgery. If he had just paid better attention. If he had just watched out better for the young man. If he had just prevented all this from happening. If just… He drew a deep, desperate sigh, staring at the older doctor as they brought the young man into the adjoining room and out of his view. Heavily, he dropped into a free chair, burying his face in his hands. He didn't even remember how long he had been sitting there, drowned in his own misery when he suddenly felt someone touch his shoulder. It was Dr. Theissen.

"Peter…? How is he? Will he be okay?"

The older doctor came slowly over, before he sat down opposite Edwards. "He's lucky that you found him when you did. We were able to stabilize his condition. He's still in shock from the effects of the neurostimulant and I would be lying if I told you that everything is okay. His condition is still critical and so far I cannot say for sure that no permanent damage was caused. But after all I've seen, I'm inclined to believe he'll make it."

Edwards stared at him as if he were joking. "What do you mean by you're _inclined to believe_?"

Instead of elaborating on his comment, Dr. Theissen produced a medical PADD from the inside of his long lab tunic. He stared at it for a moment, as if he were lost in his own thoughts, before he called up some information. "I want you to have a look at this." He wordlessly offered the PADD to Edwards.

"The density of the neurostimulant he was subjected to should have been lethal," Dr. Theissen commented, waiting for Edwards to skim through the readouts. "The dose he'd been given should have led to a complete overload of his synaptic pathways. In other words, it should have killed him."

Edwards frown deepened. But Dr. Theissen had said that Julian was still alive. Even though only barely. "How is this possible…?" he shook his head.

Dr. Theissen released a long breath, rubbing his eyes before he looked Edwards straight in the eye. "I'm not sure but I think I have an idea. I'll need to run some further scans but if you have a closer look at the data, I think you'll see what I mean… "

Taken aback by the news and implications of Dr. Theissen's discovery, Edwards' eyes dropped again to the metallic device in his hands. He stared at it for a long time. Until he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Without even knowing it, Dr. Theissen had finally given him the last piece to the puzzle he'd been trying to solve for the last few months.


	9. 09 Truth

**Chapter 09**

"Truth"

,

"And that's all for today."

The chime rang, and Edwards' last words were drowned by the bustle that followed the sign that marked the end of the course. Within only a few minutes, the crowded classroom emptied until only a few stragglers kept hanging back, gathering up their things or discussing their new homework among each other. Slowly packing her own things together, she lingered back, waiting until the last student had left the classroom before she strode determinedly toward the front part of the room.

"Mr. Edwards..." she cleared her throat when she came to his desk, hoping that her voice wouldn't falter in the last moment or betray her nervousness. It had taken her the whole two previous hours to muster enough courage to come to him.

He put the last PADD calmly back onto the stack to his left, before he sighed and turned toward her. When their eyes met there was nothing of the harsh and austere attitude she had expected to see there. Just a profound exhaustion. With a hint of resignation. As if he had already anticipated that she would be coming sooner or later.

"I know that you told us not to talk about it in the open to spare him any more trouble and I know that we've given you our word not to mention anything that happened until further notice from your side, but..." she began, lowering her voice to a level that would make it impossible for someone to eavesdrop on their conversation. "It's been two weeks now. And we still don't know what happened. No one's talking about it. And we don't even know if he's okay..." She bit her lower lip, trying to decide how far she could press Edwards for information.

Hadn't it been for him, they wouldn't even have known that something had happened at all. It was Edwards who'd suddenly taken them aside on that certain evening, telling them that something had gone wrong during one of Amos' research experiments. And that Julian had been involved in the accident. And even though he wouldn't elaborate on the exact circumstances of the incident, she'd known with a dead certainty that something terrible must have happened to Julian. But no matter how much she had implored Edwards to tell her the truth, the older man had kept as silent as a grave. She didn't even know where her friend was. Or if he was okay. All she knew was that Edwards had asked her and Alan not to talk about the incident – even though she didn't even know what it was she shouldn't talk about for the only thing she knew for certain was that Julian had suddenly disappeared on that day without a trace. On the next day, the teachers of the other courses had registered the young man's absence without so much as the blink of an eye, as if they'd already been informed that Julian would be missing from their courses for the time being. The silent understanding had been eerie – and had only served to increase her worry.

She didn't know what was going on, but whatever it was, it didn't bode well. And every new day without any word about Julian's whereabouts made her fear grow that she'd never see him again.

"I know that you're worried, Ms. Tang. And I wish I had some good news for you," Edwards finally said, a tired shadow crossing his usually hard features. "But as things are I'm afraid there is nothing I can tell you at the present point."

Even though she had somehow expected it, she felt her heart sink. Why was no one talking about what had happened? She felt frustrated, angry and worried at the same time, wishing there was anything she could do to bring Edwards to talk to her. She struggled to keep herself from pressing for further information, well aware that Edwards' sudden benevolence was all she had that told her anything about Julian's present condition. It was as if no one around knew, or had even heard of what had happened that day in Amos' lab.

"I see," she said crestfallenly, hugging her PADD closer to her chest.

"However, if it's any comfort to you, I promise that you'll be the first to know when there's any news," Edwards suddenly added with a rare kindness that surprised her.

Was that a hint of a sadness she saw in the older man's eyes? She pressed her lips into a tight line and nodded, grateful for the unusual demonstration of sympathy. "Thank you, sir."

Unsure, she lingered there another moment longer, before she finally excused herself and turned, heading for the door.

* * *

He watched her leave with an odd mixture of empathy and guilt.

But the truth was not for him to tell.

Without haste, he gathered up his things, bringing his PADDs in a neat stack before he switched off the display in front of the room. Then he followed Ms. Tang's example and left the now deserted classroom. The lights went out when he stepped out into the corridor. But instead of heading to his office, he quickly checked the chronometer on the display next to the door, taking a deep breath. There still was an appointment he had to keep.

Only some ten minutes later, he strode into the brightly lit medical facilities where he was already greeted by the familiar sight of Dr. Theissen.

"Just the man I wanted to see," the other doctor commented when he saw him come through the door. "I wasn't sure if you were in class so I didn't try to contact you but I figured you'd come here sooner or later."

"How is he?" Edwards asked with a quick look through the huge glass window which showed an adjoining small room with its white walls and a single biobed in its middle.

"His life signs are stable," Dr. Theissen said thoughtfully, offering Edwards the PADD with the latest test results. With a frown, he crossed his arms over his chest. "I think he's recovered far enough to bring him back and do some further tests. As far as I can assess there's no permanent damage done but we can't be sure until he's regained consciousness..."

Edwards breathed an inward sigh of relief, his eyes skimming through the results. "Can we do it now?"

Dr. Theissen regarded him for a long moment, but then he nodded. "I guess now is as good a time as any. But you should change first," he said and asked one of the nurses to bring him another white lab tunic. When Edwards had finished donning the tunic, the older doctor gestured for him to follow him.

When he entered the small unit that was separated from the rest of the room, he tried not to think about how close he'd been to losing the young man forever. Julian Bashir was lying on the only biobed in the middle of the white room, a small display above his head constantly measuring his vital signs. He looked as if he were fast asleep, though Edwards knew that it was a lie.

With another check of the readouts, Dr. Theissen produced a hypospray from the pocket of his tunic and gently injected it into the sleeping young man's neck.

"How long will it take?"

Dr. Theissen shook his head. "Ten minutes... an hour? It's hard to tell. We still don't know how bad the neural shock was."

"It'll stay with him," Edwards said in a solemn tone, pulling up a chair.

The other doctor nodded. "Okay, just call me when he wakes up."

* * *

The first thing slowly seeping into his consciousness again were distant voices whispering over him.

They were still too far away to make out their words, but there was an unusual solemnness to them that he knew that something must have happened.

He tried to hold on to that thought when another wave of grey nothingness washed over him, threatening to pull him back into that great blackness that was lurking in the corner of his consciousness, only waiting for the right moment to claim him back.

He tried to remember where he was, or who he was.

But his thoughts would just glide this way and that, making it impossible for him to find any clear train of thought.

He felt like he was floating. Like in an ocean. Something was pulling him up toward the surface. Ever so slowly he felt that glassy wall come nearer. Some distant part of him was afraid of the things that would be waiting for him behind that crystal wall. But he was too tired and exhausted to resist.

The whisper came nearer, becoming more distinct. He could almost hear it. If he concentrated just hard enough, he could hear it. Something about the disembodied voice sounded slightly familiar. But the thought floated as swiftly out of reach as it had occurred to him.

...lian...

A voice.

...Julian...

* * *

"Julian, can you hear me?"

Edwards moved closer to the bed, squeezing the young man's hand to help him come back from the depths of sleep his mind had been placed into for the last couple of days.

It seemed as if he was still struggling against the sweet and tempting embrace of sleep, his eyes only slowly coming open a little. As expected, they were tired and unfocused, like if he hadn't yet made it back into reality.

A moment later, Dr. Theissen sat down on the edge of the bed, checking his vital signs on the medical chart. "Julian, just try to concentrate on my voice," he encouraged, at the same time loading another vial into the hypospray. "There, you're almost there." He injected the content into the patient's neck, checking again the readouts above the bed. "That's better."

And finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the young man's eyes finally came fully open. He stared at Dr. Theissen with an expression that made Edwards fear that something must have gone wrong after all, but then the older doctor just lifted his hand and held it in some distance above the young man's eyes, moving it slowly to and fro.

"Just try to focus on my hand, Julian. Can you see its shadow?"

The young man nodded weakly, but still his gaze wouldn't focus.

"Good. It'll take some time until your eyesight will come back to normal but no need to worry. Your body is still recovering and it will take some time until you're up and about again. Until then, just have a rest and let your body do the rest for you." Dr. Theissen smiled, though the young man's eyes had already closed again.

"Peter..." Edwards bent forward in alarm.

The older doctor threw another checking look at the readouts before he quickly shook his head. "It's okay. He's done well for the time being. The next time he wakes, he'll stay with us." He patted the sleeping young man's shoulder, slowly drawing himself up.

"How long until he wakes up again?"

"I'd say about an hour. Give and take."

Edwards nodded, rubbing his tired eyes. "Okay, I'll let you know when he's awake."

* * *

The next time he woke, his head felt much clearer.

His world still consisted of a blur of forms and colors but at least he managed to keep his eyes open for longer than a split second. He still felt groggy and tired, his limbs too heavy to move just yet. Slowly, he tried to bring his sleepy mind further toward consciousness.

"Hey," he heard a soft voice that sounded somehow familiar.

It faintly reminded him of another voice that had once called out to him through the darkness in a very similar way.

He swallowed against the dryness in his throat and blinked again to force his eyes to focus. But no matter how hard he tried, his surroundings wouldn't become any clearer. It was like if he was trying to see through water. Everything just blurred around him.

A hand touching his. The touch was warm and comforting, making him relax just a little.

"Julian, can you hear me?"

His sleepy mind still worked to place where he knew the voice from. It sounded familiar, but at the same time something didn't fit. Like if the voice sounded somehow different than it should.

Hesitantly, he nodded, his eyes searching for the other person. But all he saw was some hazy dot next to him that only vaguely resembled a person's face. Panic rose within him.

As if the speaker had noticed the sudden change in his demeanor, he squeezed his hand in comfort. "Everything's okay. You're mind's still recovering from the neural overload it suffered. But you're on the mend. Your eyesight will be back to normal in a couple of days. You've been sleeping for the last two weeks. Don't be afraid, everything's going to be fine."

Julian stared at the speaker, his words echoing back in his mind, suddenly changing into another, more menacing voice.

_Everything's going to be fine..._

He almost jerked upright in bed in some indefinite reflex to protect himself. Almost. In fact, his head barley lifted from the pillow before his strength left him.

"Mr. Amos...?" he managed in a choked croak that hardly resembled his voice.

"Sssh, everything's alright. You're safe." A pair of strong hands was gently pushing his shoulders down. His head swum as the memory of what had happened slowly trickled back to him. Amos. The experiment. The crude and blinding brightness. The pain. His desperate struggle to get down from the biobed and call someone for help. A shadow bending over him, forcing his body down with an unyielding grip.

"W-where am I?" His voice came out as a shaky whisper. Everything around him was just so white, and blurred, and utterly unsettling.

For a long moment, the other voice kept silent. Then he thought he heard someone take a deep breath. "You're in the ICU at Starfleet Medical."

_ICU…_ He felt his stomach lurch. Only now he realized that he was actually lying in a bed. His gaze dropped down to what seemed like a blinking device around his left wrist. Then to what must be the white bedcover one had tucked around his sleeping body. He couldn't remember how he had gotten here. He only remembered the pain. So searing and burning that he knew he would die. And an endless, grey wasteland of fear. He remembered how scared he had been, and the memory sent a cold chill down his spine.

"How do you feel?"

He blinked, pulling his mind away from the memory. "I'm not sure…" he replied hesitantly. He felt so fragile. As if his body would break under the slightest pressure. And so utterly tired. Almost unconsciously, he tried to curl his fingers – and felt a surge of relief when he felt his fingertips brush against the soft sheets.

"What is the last thing you remember?" the voice asked softly, drawing again his attention.

Still dazed, Julian closed his eyes, noticing that his heart was again anxiously thudding in his chest. He tried to sort through the chaos of images and feelings in his mind. Even holding on to one train of thought was still so difficult. If he just weren't so tired. His mind was still like in a fog, making it so hard to think.

"I... was helping Mr. Amos with one of his experiments. We were doing some tests. But something went wrong..." he said truthfully.

He still remembered how desperately he had fought to make Amos realize that something was wrong. How he had struggled to make his paralyzed body move. And how his gaze had met that cool detachedness in his former teacher's dark eyes. He swallowed hard, his mind suddenly refusing to dredge up more details.

For a long moment, there was only silence between them, disturbed only by the low beeping of the medical console at his side.

"Julian, there is something you need to know," the voice eventually said with a grave tone as if its owner was going to break the news of someone's death to him. And with a start he suddenly realized who was sitting next to him, still holding his trembling hand in his.

_Edwards._

But why...?

"How much do you know about Amos' research?"

Julian stared at the figure sitting next to him, trying to imagine it with Edwards' face. But the sudden change in his behavior was just too stark. He'd trouble believing that the man tending to him now should be the same stone-faced teacher he'd come to dread over the past few years. What was Edwards doing here?

Almost unconsciously, he sank a little further into the bed. But then he reluctantly shook his head, lulled into some strange sense of security by the other man's unexpected gentle voice.

"He was working on a lot of different things..." Julian brought forth in a weak voice. "He did so many different things that it was hard to keep track of all the cases he worked on… He was searching for a vaccine for the Elani fever when... the accident happened."

The blurred figure nodded. The sudden movement made him feel dizzy.

Another moment of grave silence passed between them. He didn't need to see Edwards' face to know that something was dreadfully wrong.

"Mr. Amos is a very talented and gifted scientist, Julian," Edwards began hesitantly, as if he wasn't quite sure where to start. "He's an expert and first-rate scientist in cellular neuroscience as well as molecular biology… And his work is often precariously balanced on the edge of moral and ethical boundaries."

"You may have wondered why Starfleet Medical invited a simple biology teacher like Amos to do his research here at the Academy..." The figure moved like if he was propping himself on his elbows, running a hand over his face. "The truth is that we invited him to this place to keep an eye on him and his work. His research about the human genome, his work, his whole approach to the matter was nothing we could have ignored. Amos was not only a first-rate scientist, but unfortunately also someone who didn't submit to moral principles. He was a scientist at heart. And he had his own vision, his own principles, even his own morale. Sometimes during the past few years he was several times very close to crossing the line... and last year we finally reached a point where we couldn't risk ignoring him and his research any longer." Edwards sighed. It was a heavy sigh, tinged with the bitter note of regret. "So we invited him to Starfleet Medical and offered him a place to continue his work - under our surveillance."

The shadow next to him shook his head. "We were lucky. He gladly accepted our offer. We provided the necessary equipment he needed. And he delivered regular reports to keep us updated on his progress. Everything went just fine and pretty much as we had planned," Edwards hesitated, before he finally added: "Until he chose you as his assistant."

Julian could hear the dark frown, even though he couldn't actually see it. Somehow he felt like he needed to defend Amos. "I... volunteered..." he admitted in a meek voice. "I asked him to take me as an assistant."

"He's never been the kind of person to let anyone in on his work. I've known him for more than ten years. It was unusual for him. At first we told ourselves not to attribute too much to it. We knew that both of you knew each other from your school days. And that Amos was just being nice to you. But the more often you met, the more regular your meetings became, the more we got worried. And that was when we decided that we couldn't risk letting you get involved in Amos' affairs any longer. You're still a student. You're in our charge. We just couldn't risk getting you into trouble. And at that time, we weren't exactly sure what Amos had in mind…"

Julian watched Edwards' silhouette with growing anxiety. Yet the whole situation felt so unreal, like in a dream. He didn't know that Amos had been working on this kind of research. In fact, now that he came to think about it, he had never really gotten the larger picture of what Amos' research had been about. "So this is why you didn't want me to meet with Amos any more..." he slowly brought forth, remembering with a queasy feeling all the heated discussions with Edwards about Amos and how adamantly Edwards had been against his work with him.

Again, the blurred figure moved in what seemed to be a nod. "At first, it had been nothing more than a bad feeling. Neither you nor Amos had done anything wrong at that time. We just didn't want you to get involved in Amos' affairs. It was the day when Amos approached you in the cafeteria that things started to really get out of hands."

Confused, Julian turned his head to the side, struggling to make his eyes focus. If he could just see Edwards' face...

"It was the PADD he gave you. You said that it were his latest test results. After all what happened on that day I doubt that you had the chance to take a closer look at the content of that PADD, but let's put it this way: what was written on that PADD scared the hell out of me. At first I didn't even know where you got it from – but after some consideration it was not so hard to guess. You even confirmed my suspicion when I called you to my office to check if it really came from Amos."

He felt a twinge of guilt. The PADD… Amos had asked him for his opinion on his recent research topic... and Edwards had been so furious when he'd called him to his Office on that day.

"I just wish I had been more successful in making you stay away from him. I should have talked to you. Explained the situation to you. But I thought the less you knew about the situation the better it was for you. And I didn't want to risk that Amos found out the true reason why he had been called to Starfleet Medical," the voice said again with bitterness. "You know, the night the accident happened, I had an argument with Amos…"

Julian felt his heart pound harder. The argument. He remembered how agitatedly both of them had been arguing outside Edwards' office. And he remembered how angry he had been at Edwards on that evening. How his anger had driven him to go seek Amos' advice against Edwards' order.

"He must have noticed it at that time. That I made you stay away from him on purpose. He accused me of being too hard on you. Obviously he'd gotten wind that your application for the special training had been declined and he came to have a talk with me to convince me to bring you back into the program. Which would not only have given you the chance to work at your own pace with other students but would unfortunately also have brought you out of my sphere of influence. I confronted him with the PADD he'd given you. It was my mistake. He must have finally realized why he had really been called to Starfleet Medical. He must have realized the truth behind why I made you stay away from him, why we were so closely monitoring his every action," the voice said almost ruefully, as if he would give anything to go back to that evening and change the course of events. "He must have realized that we were going to take away from him the opportunity to continue his studies."

He swallowed hard. His hands had gone cold. He wasn't sure why Edwards was so suddenly telling him all this. He wasn't even sure what all this had to do with why he was lying here in ICU. But the Amos Edwards was talking about was so different from the teacher he'd known for so many years. And it scared him.

"What... happened?" He wasn't sure he wanted to know. He still remembered everything only in fragments. Or perhaps his mind was just refusing to allow more details to trickle back to him in a desperate attempt at self-protection.

"What happened that night in Amos lab was no accident…" Edwards said eventually, again in that ill-boding, solemn tone. He kept silent for another long moment before he almost inaudibly cleared his throat. As if he was still struggling to bring the next words over his lips. "What happened in Amos' lab was only another part of his research."

Silence.

"Because Amos' research, Julian…" he finally seemed to force himself to go on, his tone heavy and quiet, as if he was unspeakably sorry that he had to tell the young man "…it was about you."

Stunned, Julian stared at the blurred figure that was Edwards, not sure if he had heard right. "About... me?"

"We went through his personal files. He'd already deleted most of them before we got access to his database. But he's a scientist rather than an engineer. He might be good at masking his tracks but not an expert. We were able to restore his whole database up to the point when the accident happened. Every single data we found," the voice said intently, "was about you."

Stupefied, Julian shook his head. It couldn't be. Amos compiling data files about him? Edwards must be joking. It was absurd. "But why would he...?" he asked in confusion just to feel his heart stop dead in his chest.

"Why would he take such a great interest in one of his former students?" Edwards repeated slowly, making Julian wish to have never uttered the last words. "I think you might know the answer to this better than anyone else..." the voice spoke softly and even though he couldn't see his face, he knew that Edwards was watching him intently.

He tried hard to keep breathing evenly, even though he knew that his horror must be written all over his face. He felt like a dark abyss was opening under him.

_Because I'm genetically enhanced... Because I'm not normal... And Amos knew._

He suddenly felt sick. It couldn't be. Amos would never… he'd never…. Not after all they'd gone through together. He'd always been there for him. He'd been the closest friend he'd ever had. It couldn't be. There had to be a reason for it. Amos would never use him for his research. Edwards must have gotten it all wrong.

But what should he tell Edwards? His mind raced. He couldn't tell him the truth. He couldn't tell him about the enhancements. He couldn't…

A soft touch on his arm.

"Amos knew, didn't he?"

Julian stared at Edwards as if having been slapped. _Amos knew of the enhancements, didn't he?_ His whole body tensed, a wave of cold dread washing over him. Could it be that Edwards... knew of the enhancements? But how…? Why…? He desperately fought against the unyielding grip of panic. What if Edwards knew of his genetically enhanced background? What if he'd found out the truth? It felt as if his worst nightmare was coming true. He suddenly felt so sick and overwhelmed with fear that he couldn't speak.

"How did he know?" the voice asked again, this time more gently as if he was sensing Julian's fear and bewilderment. "Did you tell him?"

_Did you tell him that you were genetically enhanced as a child? _To his surprise, there was no hint of malice or reproach in Edwards' voice. Just a profound sadness. And genuine worry. Julian's gaze dropped down to the white bedcover as he struggled desperately to find a way out of this mess. Edwards knew. There was no doubt to it. His mind raced as he frantically searched for what he could tell Edwards. But with a heavy weight on his chest he realized that there wasn't really much sense in denying the truth now. Not if Edwards already knew. Even if he lied now, he wouldn't be able to fool him. He was still so weak, he couldn't even run away. His eyes still cast downward, he struggled to make a decision, his heart in his mouth. And finally he just nodded defeatedly, too drained to put up a fight or defend himself even though he knew that his whole life, his whole career at Starfleet Medical was hanging by a thread.

"When I was fifteen and found out the truth. He was my teacher at that time," Julian finally whispered barely audible under his breath, digging his fingers almost unconsciously into the white bedcover. It was so long ago. It almost seemed like another lifetime to him.

"We found various files in his database..." the other voice spoke softly. "The latest from yesterday. The earliest dating back almost ten years."

Julian numbly shook his head, refusing to listen to what Edwards was telling him. His chest tightened painfully. He still was sure that there had to be a reason for it. "It must be a coincidence. He'd never... I mean..." he stammered, trying hard not to let Edwards' words get to him.

"What happened in that lab, Julian, was no coincidence," the older man cut him gently off. "He must have planned what happened yesterday for a long time. He was only waiting for the right moment. And after he must have finally realized that he was running out of time, he must have seized the last chance he thought he got."

It came like a punch in the face.

"No, it was an accident," Julian insisted in a shaky voice. Only faintly was he aware that tears had begun to well in his eyes. It felt like if he had stumbled from one nightmare into the next. "He'd never do something like this."

Someone squeezing his hand, firmly wrapping his hands around his.

"I wish it were. But it wasn't. The truth is that he's been studying you. Your physiological and mental development. The development of moral and ethics. Your reaction to certain situations. Your way of seeing and judging things. He's watched and studied you growing up," Edwards' words almost sounded clinical to his ears, so oddly contradicting the ugly truth they were conveying. "On that evening in his lab, he used a high-density neurostimulant on you... which is not only extremely dangerous but also forbidden in the Federation. He subjected you to an experiment to test how far he could go, and how much your body was able to take. He pushed you to the limit, to see how your mind and body would react. He wanted to see how much your alternated physiology was able to take before it collapsed. It was the physical data he still needed. The last piece in his puzzle."

Julian felt nauseated. He frantically shook his head. "I'm sure he never intended to harm me…" he said with an unsteady voice that sounded barely convincing even to his own ears.

"Julian," Edwards seemed to lean over, imploringly. "On that evening, after he got from you the data he needed, he left you unconscious, injured and dying in that lab. It was pure luck that we found you in time…"

"But I'm not dead. He knew what he did," Julian held vigorously, despair closing in on him.

"But you could have been. The dose he gave you should have been lethal. It didn't kill you right away but only a few hours more and the damage would have been irreparable! A high-density neurostimulant is nothing to make light of. It enhances your senses to an unnatural level. Your brain is flooded with too much information at one time which it cannot process. So it just collapses. We had to put you into artificial coma for the last two weeks because it was the only way to allow your body to heal from the strain it had been put under. You've been sleeping for the last two weeks because your mind and body had been pushed to within an inch of the possible."

Before his mind's eye he saw Amos' eyes on that evening looking down on him. So cold and distant. So different from the person he thought he knew. And he just knew that Edwards was telling the truth.

"Can… I mean… may I talk to him?" he finally almost pleaded. Still, it had to be a misunderstanding. If he only had the chance to talk to Amos. To put it all straight. He was sure that if he could only talk to Amos…

"Amos is no longer here, Julian. He left on that night when the incident happened. He didn't say where he was going. He just left. He turned his back on Starfleet Medical. He turned his back on his work and everyone else here."

_He turned his back on you. He's used you. He's been using you for the last ten years. Deliberately. Calculatingly. He's tried to stay close to you. Gaining your trust. Studying you like an object. And now that he's gotten from you what he wanted you're of no use for him any longer. So he left you. He forsake you. Because you've turned useless for him._

Something cold was closing around his heart. Something so heavy that he couldn't breathe. So unyielding that he didn't even have the strength to struggle against it.

"I'm truly sorry. For everything that happened," the older man next to him said in a quiet voice, still holding his hand firmly in his, obviously sensing that if he let go of him now Julian would break under the emotional pressure. "If I had just taken better care of you. If I had just never let it come this far. When I finally tried to warn you, it was already too late."

It was too much for Julian. He squeezed his eyes shut, desperately biting back the tears that had come filling his eyes. He only knew that he didn't want to cry. Not in front of Edwards.

"What is going to happen to me now?" he asked eventually in a husky voice, still refusing to open his eyes.

They both knew what he was talking about.

"Officially, what happened with Amos in his lab was an accident," Edwards said at length. "It is what we told the other teachers. It is what we told your parents. And it is what we will tell your friends and everybody else. You were running an experiment with Amos. And something went wrong."

"And… unofficially?"

"Only you, Dr. Theissen and I know about the real reason behind Amos' experiment. And that is the way we will keep it," he heard Edwards say in an even voice. "Because if we had never let it come this far, nothing of it would have ever happened. You would never have gotten involved in all this."

Swallowing hard, Julian was almost grateful that he couldn't see Edwards' face. The obvious disappointment he knew must be clearly visible on his usually hard features. He'd always feared that one day someone might find out the truth. He'd always been afraid of what people would think of him then, of the repulsion in their eyes and the anger they must feel toward him for having fooled them for so long. He'd always dreaded the moment someone would call him a fraud. The moment that someone found out. And now Edwards had found out the truth. _Edwards_. Why had it to be Edwards? Of all people. The one person who had never accepted him even when his world had still been blissfully intact. How could he ever look him in the eye again, now that Edwards knew that nothing of what Julian had achieved had been real? That everything had been nothing more than a lie? He felt so miserable and worthless in this moment that he only wanted Edwards to go. If he just left him alone. If he just stopped sitting next to him, holding his trembling hand in his.

"Julian…" the voice suddenly urged. "…look at me."

He bit down hard on his lip to stifle the miserable sob that was already working its way up his throat. He didn't want to. He was so afraid of the rebuke he dreaded to come which he knew would be even worse than everything he'd gone through so far. He didn't want to face Edwards. He didn't want to face the truth. He felt a single tear run down the side of his face, unable to hold it back. He was hurting so much inside that a part of him wished that he'd died on that evening.

For a long moment, neither of them spoke. Until Edwards suddenly broke the silence. When he did, his voice held an earnestness he had never heard there before.

"I… can't say that I know the whole story," Edwards started and cleared his throat. "I don't know the real background of your genetic enhancements or why it was done to you. I don't know as much as Amos probably did…" he heard him say. Reluctantly, his words carefully chosen as if he'd given them more than one thought during the last two weeks. "I only know that I've never had a student who was nearly as passionate about becoming a doctor as you are. You're my best student. You're good at what you're doing. It's not only your passion for this profession. You're trying to help people. What you did for that boy was nothing short of amazing."

He heard Edwards draw in a deep breath as if he was searching for the right words. "Even after everything that happened with Amos, I don't want you to be afraid. I can only guess how hard it was for you to keep it secret from everyone else. I know how much of a risk you took by coming here to do your studies at Starfleet Medical. Always having to fear that some time sooner or later someone might find out the truth."

Desperately, Julian struggled to keep the tears in his eyes from spilling over. If Edwards would just stop it. His throat was so tight that he couldn't breathe.

"In a way, it's very courageous. Trying to use your abilities to help other people. You're good at it. You believe in what you're doing," Edwards continued with a deep and even voice before he finally said: "I can't see anything wrong with that."

Julian blinked almost against his will, his heart pounding so hard at Edwards' unexpected words that it took him some moments to realize what Edwards had said. Were it… words of forgiveness? He'd been so afraid that Edwards would start yelling at him, telling him to pack his things and leave Starfleet Medical as soon as he was able to get out of bed again. Telling him in his disapproving, icy voice that he was a disgrace for the whole Academy. Throwing him out with the dark promise that it wouldn't be the end of it. He'd been so scared of what would happen to him now that his secret had come out. He'd never dared hope to get away without severe legal consequences. Least of all, receive some measure of understanding – or sympathy.

And now Edwards was trying to comfort him. _Edwards_. After all their differences. After all the years he'd spend thinking that he'd never measure up to his teacher's high expectations.

And from one moment to the other, he felt his composure collapse, and emotions he had too long suppressed overwhelm him.

"I'm… sorry, sir," Julian blurted even before he could hold himself back. _Sorry for having lied to you. Sorry for having lied to everyone. Sorry for not being the person everyone believes me to be. _He wanted to say so much more. He_ needed_ to say so much more. All the fear and the feeling of guilt he'd tried to suppress all these years. All the anxiety and insecurity. He was so sorry for having lied all this time. So sorry for having betrayed everyone's trust.

"Don't be," the voice said again. "The worst thing you could do is throw away the gift you've been given. Put your talents to a good use. There is so much good you can do with it."

His head went up at this_._ And for the first time, he opened his tear-filled eyes to face Edwards._ Put your talents to a good use. There is so much good you can do with it__._

"I know that the next days won't be easy for you," Edwards said again after a while. "But you're not alone. We will face this together, do you hear me?"

And for the first time he realized that the recent events must have taken a greater deal out of Edwards than he tried to let on. There was a weary edge to his voice that he had never heard there before, a subdued hint of insecurity where there had once only been grim determination. Julian nodded weakly, another tear stealing its way down his cheek.

"How… long do I have to stay here?" His eyes strayed down to the blinking device around his wrist. And the medical console on the other side of the small room. He just wanted to be alone. Away from everyone else. Away from any medical personnel. Away from anything that reminded him of that dreadful evening, or the mess his life had suddenly turned into.

"Dr. Theissen would like to run a few further tests to make sure that no permanent damage was caused. We'd like to keep you under surveillance for the next couple of days. Your eyesight should have returned until then."

Julian closed his eyes, unable to fight off the wave of fatigue any longer. His body still felt like after he had slept for years rather than weeks, every muscle stiff and too heavy to move just yet. And for the first time he realized with a shudder that he wasn't lying in ICU just for the fun of it. His head was still pounding with a persistent headache, and he felt again uncomfortably warm.

"Excuse me, sir," a second, female voice suddenly came from the doorway. "Dr. Theissen would like to talk to you. Could you spare some minutes?"

The blurred figure at his side moved in what seemed to be a nod. Reluctantly, as if he didn't like the idea of leaving the young man to himself, he squeezed Julian's hand. "I know that it's hard for you. But try to get some rest, Julian. I'll be back later to check on you."

The shadow moved to the side of the room and vanished out of his field of vision. Instead, the second shadow came closer. The figure was nothing more than a white blur against an even whiter background. Probably a nurse clad in something like a white lab tunic. She rounded his bed until she came to a halt next to him and checked his vital signs on the medical chart above his head.

"You're temperature has slightly risen. I'll give you something against the pain."

He just stayed still when she administered the hypo to his neck, before she patted him gently on the shoulder and told him to get some rest.

No sooner had he heard the faint hiss of the door behind her than the sickness came back full force. And with it a despair so overwhelming and suffocating that it made the tears he had so desperately fought to hold back finally coursing down his flushed cheeks. He shut his eyes tightly and awkwardly struggled to roll onto his side, curling up into a fetal position under the white bedcover. Hugging his shivering body, he buried his face into the soft pillow – and finally let go of the terrified sobs that he had struggled to suppress so far. It felt as if his whole word had suddenly shattered around him. His heart was so full of sorrow that it felt as if it would break. Hot tears of shame and hurt were running down his cheeks when he desperately wished for things to come undone. Never before in his life had he wished so desperately to turn back time. If he could only go back to that evening. If he could only talk one more time to Amos. If he could only one more time look into his eyes. If he could only make everything undone. Amos was no bad person. He'd always been there for him. Whenever he'd needed him, Amos had been there. More than his family. More than his friends. He'd trusted him.

With no strength left, he relented helplessly to the pain inside him, shaking with hurt and despair. He'd trusted Amos. He'd trusted him, blindly, without ever questioning his actions. He'd trusted him with his life.

And now he was gone. Leaving him behind in the mess Julian's life had turned into. Forlorn. Discouraged. Ashamed. Shaken. Did he know that Julian was still alive? Did he know that he'd survived the experiment he had put him through? Did he even care?

Coughing irregularly for breath between his tears, he felt so utterly lost. Lost in a world that didn't accept him. Lost in a world he didn't fit into. Lost in a life he didn't know what to make of. Now more than ever before.

_He's watched and studied you growing up._

He felt so sick. Nauseated at the thought of having been used all these years. Nauseated at himself. Nauseated at what he was. At the same time, he felt so furious.

His tear-filled gaze dropped down to the blinking medical device around his wrist, and he just felt something snap inside him.

Clawing weakly with stiff fingers at the small device, he frantically tried to pull it loose. He felt so sick at the thought of having anyone or anything touch him right now. When it wouldn't yield, he struggled to bring his wrist furiously down on the bedframe next to his face. The cool metal pressed painfully against his skin but he didn't stop. With all his remaining strength, he hit it against the bedframe. Again. And again. Until his whole body shook with the effort. But still it wouldn't go off. Trembling with hot fury at his own helplessness, he suddenly felt the burning fire in his chest dissipate as quickly as it had flared up – until despair closed in on him again and he just lay there motionless, crying and sobbing, futilely wishing for everything to come undone.

If just nothing of this had ever happened. If he had just been a normal boy, with a normal childhood, becoming a normal teenager, aspiring a normal career in Starfleet. If he just led a normal life. A life without the constant fear, the feeling of guilt and remorse. A normal life where he wasn't different from everybody else. If just nothing of this had ever happened. He cried until there were no tears left. Until his chest ached with a dull pain, and his breath turned ragged and shallow. Until exhaustion took him and his mind started to slowly drift away. But still the hurt wouldn't go away. A hurt so deep and consuming that it felt as if a part of him had died on that evening in Amos' lab.

Because the only person in this whole universe who would have been able to help him out of the deep abyss of despair he'd plunged into was no longer there.

* * *

After two long days and an endless row of tests, he was finally transferred from the ICU to infirmary B4. Dr. Theissen still insisted on keeping him in bed and making him rest until his body was up and about again, but he was glad that he had at least escaped the isolation of ICU that had slowly but surely started to take its toll on him. He'd never made a good patient before but having to lie two whole days in ICU was more than he could take. He'd literally begged Dr. Theissen that he was okay and that he would do whatever test he wanted if he would just let him get out of bed.

Dr. Theissen's response had been an amused smile and the gentle admonition that Julian would rather not want to find out how far he would make it out of bed on his own should he decide to try to run away.

He wasn't sure why, but somehow he liked the older doctor with his dry humor. Dr. Theissen always had a good-natured smile on his lips when he put him through another series of tests, promising him that they'd soon be done with it and encouraging him at the same time that everything would be fine again. His easygoing way always made Julian wonder how the older doctor really thought about the truth of his genetic enhancements. Dr. Theissen never talked about them, least of all questioned him further about them. It almost seemed as if by tending to Julian he was only doing his job, caring for one of his patients where private feelings didn't matter. If he had another opinion than Edwards he didn't let on. And Julian was grateful for it. Perhaps there had been a reason after all why Edwards had called in Dr. Theissen instead of having just any other doctor see him. They seemed to be friends and slowly he thought he understood why Edwards was trusting him.

Sometimes, when he was watching Dr. Theissen give orders to his nurse, he couldn't help wondering how Edwards had managed to keep the truth of what had happened a secret. If anything like this had happened under normal circumstances, the head of Starfleet Medical would have already lined up in front of his bed, drilling him with questions about how he was feeling and what had happened. Edwards' influence must be more far-reaching than he had thought, making him wonder who the "we" in Edwards' confession had really been on that first afternoon when he had woken up in ICU. But Edwards never mentioned it again. And Julian never asked.

As promised on the first day Edwards came regularly to check on him and see that he was doing fine. And Julian was grateful for it. They still weren't best friends, but having Edwards care for him made him feel only half as forlorn and only half as lonely.

After the transfer from ICU, Dr. Theissen finally allowed him the first visitors – thought Julian all but dreaded the moment he'd have to go back to his old life. He knew that he didn't have a choice. That sooner or later, he'd have to face the truth and that he couldn't hide in the isolation of the infirmary forever. That the first person who came through the door were no others than Alan, Marin and Brigs didn't make it any easier for him, though.

"Julian, you gave us such a fright!" To his surprise, it was Alan who first rushed forward to his bed to give him a tight hug. "First my brother, then you. You have no idea how worried I was! You just vanished - and no one would tell us what happened," he blurted, a palpable wave of relief washing over him when he saw that his best friend was more or less up and about.

"I'm sorry," Julian offered a weak smile while Alan untangled himself from him, making room for Marin who did the same all over again.

"We heard what happened," Brigs came forward. "The thing with Amos and everything," he grimaced awkwardly.

Julian simply nodded, part of him grateful that they already seemed to know. He wasn't sure if he'd been able to explain what happened to them himself. Not yet. Most of the time he just pretended that everything was okay. Trying not to think too much about why Dr. Theissen would still have him confined to bed, his eye ever watchful on the small chart above his head when he came for another medical checkup. Or why there always remained a tinge of worry in Edwards' voice when he came to see how well he was holding up against all of Dr. Theissen's medical tests.

Marin sat down on the edge of his bed, a worried shadow crossing her face. Not that he could blame her. He didn't need a mirror to know that he must be an awful sight. "How do you feel?"

"I'm not sure," Julian attempted a crooked smile but failed miserably at it.

The young woman bit her bottom lip, as if she was struggling with herself. Her brow furrowed. "Edwards told us everything about the incident with Amos," she began slowly, her eyes searching his for how well he was already taking it to talk about what happened. "But there is one thing I still don't understand… They say that after you two ran the experiment and something went wrong, Amos just left you alone in that lab and disappeared." She shook her head, fine strands of her dark hair coming loose from behind her ears. "Why would Amos do something like this to you? I mean, why didn't he call someone for help when he saw that something wasn't right? Why didn't he alarm security? Why didn't he try to stop the experiment?" There was a subdued but noticeable hint of bitterness in her voice. As if she was still struggling with this part of the story and would probably never forgive Amos for what he'd done to him.

It was the question he'd dreaded to come. For an awfully long moment, Julian just held her gaze. He saw the glint of angry tears in her dark eyes. Her gentle face flushed with genuine worry. Worry for him. Worry for her best friend. And it was in that very moment that he suddenly felt his resolution falter. Because he realized that he wanted nothing more than to tell her. Tell her the truth. About him, the enhancements. About Amos and his experiment. About who he really was. About everything he'd kept hidden from them for all these years. Looking into her gentle eyes, feeling her warm skin comforting against his, he knew that he'd never wanted something so badly in his life. He wanted to tell them. All of them. He wanted to tell them the truth. He was tired of running away. Tired of pretending to be someone he wasn't. He just wanted to be accepted as the person he was.

But something held him back.

And with a pounding heart he realized that he couldn't. He couldn't tell them. Because deep down in his heart he knew that he would just make things worse. He would jeopardize everything they had built up so far. He didn't want to lose their friendship. He didn't want to lose what meant so much to him. He so longed to tell them. But he knew that it was impossible. Wistfully, he looked from one to the other, his heart pounding so hard in his ears that the only thing he heard in that moment was his own heartbeat. Lost for words, his heart felt so heavy that he couldn't speak.

And then Alan suddenly came to his rescue, his voice calm and even when he lay a comforting hand on Marin's shoulder and said: "Perhaps Amos got just scared – or ran away because he panicked. People can react in the weirdest ways when they're scared. I don't think we'll ever know what went on in Amos' head at that time," he shook his head sadly.

Julian glanced up at Alan in surprise.

"I guess you're right…" Marin whispered, before she took Julian's hand and locked her eyes with his. "I'm sorry for everything that happened. I know how close you and Amos were and I know what your friendship meant to you." Her dark eyes were shimmering with emotions when she softly squeezed his hand. "I just want you to know that we're here for you. We'll always be there for you. Whenever you need us, we'll be there," she smiled at him – and it broke his heart.

"Thank you," was all he brought forth in an unsteady whisper.

"Is there anything we can get you?" Brigs asked. "Dr. Theissen said that you'll have to stay another week. Just in case, we brought the material from the last two weeks for you." And with a nervous glance back at the door, he leaned closer and lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "We met Edwards outside the office. I bet he's only waiting for you to wake up to have a go at you for not coming to his classes the last two weeks…"

A faint smile spread across Julian's lips.

"No, actually, he was just visiting. He just dropped by to see if I was okay…"

Alan stared at him incredulously. "He's being nice to you? That half android?" he exclaimed as if the words Edwards and nice were never supposed to be used in the same context. "Do I have to understand that?"

Julian smiled shyly. "I guess no…"

Marin returned the smile. "It's so good to have you back, Julian!"

Julian glanced at Alan and Brigs. Then back at Marin. They were the closest to family he had here. They were his friends. No, he'd never want to jeopardize this special bond they shared.

He took a deep breath, ignoring his painfully tightening chest, and the bitter feeling of guilt he only knew too well. "It's good to be back," he finally said.

And he meant it. From the bottom of his heart.

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**Wait, we're not finished yet^^ There's another chapter coming! This time, I only need you to be patient for a few days. It's as good as done. Big promise!:)**


	10. 10 The Secrets We Keep

**Epilog**

"The Secrets We Keep"

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The room was filled with a busy quiet. He could see Marin sitting a few rows in front of him, playing absently with her pen while she had another hand at her temple. She had been scribbling frantically for the past half an hour and was now staring unmoving at her desk – most probably checking the answers she'd written so far.

Next to him, Alan was frantically writing and erasing answers, tabbing absently with his foot against his desk, earning him a dark frown from Brigs every now and then. They still had a few minutes before the chime would sound and would seal whatever fate was waiting for them.

His eyes dropped down to his own PADD and the answers he'd already put in two hours earlier. It was perfect. He didn't even need to have another look at the questions to know that he'd get full points. All the last months he'd been so nervous, studying with his friends to try to stuff as much information into his head as humanly possible. It was their final exam after all. And he wanted it to be the culmination of all his efforts during the last seven years. Only now that he held the exam in his hands, did he realize how much pressure he'd put himself under. He had wanted to make his medical finals perfect. To show for once what he could really do.

Idly, his gaze wandered to the front part of the room where Dr. Jennsen and Mr. Edwards were standing with watchful eyes, making sure that none of their students came up with the idea to take a look at the results of their neighbors. At the sight of his two teachers, he felt a stab of nostalgia. After seven long years they'd finally part. After seven long years his days at Starfleet Medical were finally coming to an end. At the thought, he felt his heart grow heavy. They were his family. And everything he had. It would be difficult to go on to a new part of his life. To leave all this behind. All his friends. All the memories, to move on to something new.

Sighing, he watched Marin who still went through her test answers. She was going to stay on Earth. Dr. Jennsen had offered her a post as her assistant. She was going to continue her research at Starfleet Medical, perhaps even becoming a teacher herself. She'd always been one for teaching others, he thought fondly, remembering all their study session together. After the incident with Amos four years ago, it had been her who'd come day by day to the infirmary after classes were over, bringing him her lecture notes and going with him over the things he'd missed on that day. He had missed almost four weeks of his courses by the time he'd been finally released from under the watchful eyes of Dr. Theissen – and that with their midterm exams waiting for them only another month later. But thanks to Marin he'd managed to catch up in time.

And Alan. Last month he'd applied for a post at the Jupiter station to work with the specialists there. He still hadn't given up on his brother, and he'd sworn that he'd find a cure to save his brother's life. He didn't doubt that he would. Some time sooner or later.

Brigs sudden cough pulled him from his reverie. He squinted sideways and saw the burly young man stooped over his desk, scribbling down notes after notes. He'd spent the last couple of months preparing for the final exam. His big dream was to serve aboard a starship to explore the unknown territories of space. On which ship didn't matter. As long as it was a spaceship – not a space freighter. He had been very insistent on that one. He'd been talking of nothing else for the past year, until Marin had come up with the idea that if anything he should try something really big and apply for a post on the Enterprise. Brigs had dismissively waived his hand at that time, but it had been hard not to notice the sudden twinkle in his dark eyes.

Inhaling deeply, his gaze dropped again down to his own PADD. So where would life take him? Edwards had suggested to take the post on the USS Lexington. It would have been everything he'd ever wanted. But he had already made up his mind. When there was one thing he wanted, then it was to go on an adventure. Frontier medicine. Finding new ways to help people. Making do with what little resources one had on the frontier. Finding out what you really were made of. Finding out how far you could go. A space station on the edge of space. New challenges. New things to discover. New people to help. Starting all over again.

He sighed.

_Starting all over again. _There had so much happened during the last years. Now, in hindsight, the last years had been the best and worst in his whole life. His gaze strayed over to the row of chairs in front of the room where Dr. Thomas and Dr. Theissen were sitting. Then to Mr. Edwards and Dr. Jennsen and the others at their side. All their teachers were present at this occasion. Everyone who had watched over them during the last years, who had helped them, shared their happiness as well as their worries. Everyone who'd accompanied them on the long path of growing up and finding their ways. At the thought, he suddenly felt a stab of pain, old wounds threatening to open again. _Everyone who had watched over them._ He wistfully stared ahead, for some moments completely lost in his thoughts, but then he just shook his head and pulled himself together. He'd learned to stand on his own feet. He'd learned to go on and deal with the pain. He'd put the things that had happened behind him. It was no time to look back – he was soon going to be a commissioned Starfleet officer. He was soon going to start a new life many lightyears away from here. If anything, he should be looking forward to everything that would be waiting for him there. It was like a new chance. A new beginning.

_Start all over again_.

His gaze strayed over to Alan who was still scribbling frantically answers down on his PADD. Then to Marin who had started to hastily rewrite what she had already written. Then to Brigs who was ruffling his hair, obviously trying hard to remember the answer to a certain question.

Then his gaze dropped down to his own PADD. To the neatly written answers there. To the perfect explanations neatly strung together.

"Only ten more minutes," he heard Dr. Jennsen's voice from somewhere before him.

He'd never really learned what had become of Amos after that day. Even after all these years, he caught himself wondering – every now and then – what he might be doing right now. If he was leading a new life somewhere. If he was still doing his research at some distant place. And he couldn't help wondering if Amos had ever thought of him again. Had the thought ever crossed his mind what he would be doing by now? Had he ever wondered if he was even still alive?

After the events on that day, he'd struggled to take up where he'd left off. But it had been hard. Everything in Starfleet Medical had reminded him of Amos. Every time he had walked down the long corridor to the science labs, it had been like if he'd traveled back in time. So close. Yet so far away. The blissful days forever out of reach. It had been a hard struggle to come over all this. To go on with his life and get over everything that had happened. He had tried to fit in again. To be like everyone else. But it had been hard for him. And it still was.

When Edwards had told him one afternoon after he'd been released from ICU that he would bring him back into the special training for graduate students, he was so surprised that he hadn't really known what to say at first. It was only when he met him on the next day that he thanked him for everything he had done for him and told him that it was hard for him but that he would rather leave it the way it was. That there was no need to revise his declined application. That he was okay with the way it was. Even though Edwards had been stunned at first, he hadn't pressed further.

Instead, he'd spent many a day with his friends in the library. Explaining their homework to one another. Talking about their careers. Making plans for the future. Laughing at Alan's terribly uncomical jokes. Encouraging Brigs to finally tell the love of his life about his feelings for her. Comforting Marin on the day when she had watched her first patient die. Sharing Alan's joy about winning the annual award for the best research project. Even though Alan could never really understand why he didn't take part in any competition himself, they spent nights awake in their dormitory, putting the finishing touches on Alan's work, ready to hand it in minutes before the deadline with dark circles around their eyes, testimony to all their sleepless nights.

Almost unconsciously, his gaze strayed again over to Marin and Alan and he felt a painful stab of guilt. He'd never told them. Even after everything they had gone through together, he'd never told them the truth. He didn't know if they would understand. Maybe they would. Maybe they wouldn't. But it was better this way. He'd once learned the hard way what damage the truth could inflict. And he knew that he never wanted to go through it again.

Numbly, his gaze dropped again down at his hands – and the PADD he held. Slowly, he closed his eyes.

Brigs was groaning irritatedly next to him, and Alan's foot tabbing had become more persistent. Marin was still fidgeting nervously with her pen.

_Start all over again. A new beginning. A new life where you're no different from everybody else._

Slowly, he opened his eyes again. The room seemed quieter than before, everything just a little farther away. Reluctantly, almost reverently, he took up the pen one more time. His hand hovered indecisively inches above its glassy surface.

_A new life where you're no different from everybody else._

He brought down the pen, hesitantly erasing his last answer. His hand moved almost automatically until the line was filled again.

Then, almost gently, he put the pen aside. He stared at the words for another long moment. And finally he stood.

Without haste, he collected his things – before he finally took the PADD and strode through the rows of students until he reached the group of teachers in front of the room. He handed his answers to Dr. Jennsen, and shortly inclined his head toward Edwards who responded with one of his rare smiles.

_It was an end and a new beginning at the same time. _

Then he squared his shoulders – and with a long, deep breath he left the exam room.

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**=/\= To be continued... =/\=**

**=/\= ... in Star Trek - Deep Space Nine =/\=**

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_Notes from the author:_

Here it is… the story I suddenly came up with while I was working on a completely different story^^ It was never meant to become so long. In fact, I just had that scene with Amos and Jules in my mind – and then the last scene where Julian is writing his medical finals. And somehow the rest just developed automatically. And yes, if you've wondered where the name of Amos' character came from, it's an allusion to Amoros, the initial name the writers gave the character of Julian Bashir in the first scripts of DS9. (It's only the name I borrowed, though. No other allusions intended;)

This story is my first that doesn't have a Happy End. It's sad and I almost ended up in tears while writing the last chapter… Because after all the things Julian went through, he sees all his friends – and he just wants to be like everybody else. He once got the chance to be who he really is and use his abilities to their full potential – just to see everything blows up in his face. So he's desperately trying to fit in again. Trying to be like everyone else. And it's in the last scene where he finally makes a decision. He gives up who he could be, in order to be who everyone wants him to be. (Yeah, if you've wondered what exactly he is writing on that PADD in the last scene, just go back to the beginning of the story and read the quotation of Altovar there^^)

I also wanted to make this a story about friendship, about growing up and finding out who you really are. And I guess there's a lot of my own experience here and there in the story... (No, I never had a teacher quite like Edwards and I never had to hide who I really am... though I did have a teacher who really knew how to be intimidating;)

Why it took me so long to post the final chapter? Well, give me some more days and you'll see!^^

Thank you so much for reading this story!

Love,

Mijra (July 2013)


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